60 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2008 “Iron Man & App Store” Edition

In 2008, we saw Tony Stark build a suit in a cave and learned that “there’s an app for that.” It was the year of the Beijing Olympics, the launch of Wall-E, and the beginning of the smartphone obsession. For the mother-in-law, this meant her “system updates” were now mandatory, and her ability to detect a flaw in your character became as fast as a 3G connection.

The 2008 Top 10: The “Super-Suit & Software” Classics

1. The Iron Man: My mother-in-law saw Iron Man and said, “A man who can fly and fix things? Clearly, this is a work of pure science fiction, especially the fixing things part.”
2. The App Store: I told her I found an app that tracks your sleep. She said, “I don’t need an app for that. I just check if you’re still breathing on the sofa at 2 PM.”
3. The Wall-E: She watched Wall-E and said the robot was “okay,” but he spent way too much time collecting trash when he could have been scrubbing the baseboards.
4. The GPS (Part 8): My mother-in-law doesn’t use the App Store. She says her internal “Disappointment Compass” is more accurate than any satellite.
5. The Olympic Torch: During the 2008 Olympics, she said the torch was a great metaphor for our marriage: “A lot of running around just to keep a tiny spark from going out.”
6. The Facebook Wall: She’s started “tagging” me in photos of organized closets and healthy salads. It’s her version of a digital intervention.
7. The Dark Knight: We saw the new Batman. My mother-in-law said the Joker was “a bit too organized and polite compared to my son-in-law.”
8. The Tesla: I told her about the new electric cars. She said, “A car that runs on electricity? Perfect, maybe it can recharge your work ethic while it’s at it.”
9. The Hulu: She discovered Hulu. Now she can watch 40-year-old soap operas and find 40-year-old reasons why I’m not good enough for her daughter.
10. The Update: My mother-in-law is like a mandatory software update. She always arrives at the most inconvenient time and makes everything run slower.

The Full 2008 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Kindle 2: She got the new Kindle. She says it’s the only thing in the house she can “turn off” with one button.
12. The 3G Speed: She says her judgment now travels at 3G speeds. It used to take her an hour to find a flaw; now she sees it from the driveway.
13. The Blu-ray: She says Blu-ray is “too honest.” It shows the wrinkles in the curtains that I’ve been ignoring for three years.
14. The Netbook: She thinks a “Netbook” is a book of instructions on how to catch me in a lie.
15. The Twitter: She’s reached 1,000 followers. They’re all other mothers-in-law waiting for her to drop the “Top 10 Failures of the Week.”
16. The E-mail Thread: She’s started “starring” my e-mails in her inbox. Only the ones where I admit I was wrong.
17. The Garden: She told the tomatoes they were “lacking a sense of urgency.”
18. The Ringtone: I set her ringtone to the sound of a ticking time bomb. She found out and set mine to the sound of a foghorn.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can restart a dead car battery.
20. The Sitcom: She says Mad Men is a show about her era, but with “fewer people listening to her advice.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a laser level to the living room to prove the picture frames were “leaning toward laziness.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “10th Anniversary Special Edition” of our wedding, featuring a 2-hour interview with her about what she would have changed.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his lawn was “spiritually exhausted.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has a “Mother-in-law” setting where the AC stays at exactly 62 degrees and the radio is muted.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Can you return a son-in-law if the original packaging (his parents) is still around?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too convenient.” She misses the days when you had to wait for disappointment to develop.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of Negotiation.” She returned it saying, “I don’t negotiate; I dictate.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the glass was “making a face” at her.
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more personality” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Thumbs Up” emoji look like a dismissal.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a pineapple because it was “too prickly for a Monday.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2008 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “The son-in-law bought a new gadget. Another thing for me to explain how to use correctly.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a threat.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s technically a mountain range.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car was “an insult to the neighborhood’s aesthetic.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “You missed a spot.” He’s officially her apprentice.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2009 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The iPhone 3G: She says the “3G” stands for “3 Generations of disappointment,” which is how she describes our family tree.
60. The Status Update: She changed her status to “Visiting the son-in-law.” Within five minutes, three people sent her “Get Well Soon” cards.