57 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2001 “Odyssey & iPod” Edition

In 2001, we were putting “1,000 songs in our pocket” with the first iPod and watching Frodo begin his long walk to a volcano. It was a year of epic journeys and digital organization. For the mother-in-law, this meant new ways to store her grievances and more analogies comparing her visits to an unexpected journey through Middle-earth—only with more luggage and fewer Orcs.

The 2001 Top 10: The “Odyssey” Classics

1. The iPod: I bought my mother-in-law an iPod. She complained it didn’t have enough storage for her “Top 5,000 Things My Son-in-Law Does Wrong” playlist.
2. The Lord of the Rings: My mother-in-law is like the One Ring. She’s powerful, ancient, and if you keep her around too long, you start losing your mind.
3. The Wikipedia: She’s like a human Wikipedia. If she doesn’t know a fact about your failures, she’ll just make one up and cite it as “common knowledge.”
4. The Harry Potter: She watched Harry Potter and asked why the Dementors were so “cheerful and easy-going.”
5. The Windows XP: My mother-in-law updated her personality to “XP.” It stands for “eXtra Pressure” and it crashes every time I try to relax.
6. The Odyssey: Why is a visit from my mother-in-law like 2001: A Space Odyssey? It’s long, confusing, and ends with a giant baby (me) crying in a corner.
7. The Xbox: I got an Xbox for the kids. My mother-in-law asked if it had a “Mute Son-in-Law” button.
8. The Wikipedia Edit: I tried to tell her she was wrong once. She said, “I’m like Wikipedia—if I say it happened, it’s basically history.”
9. The Shrek: We watched Shrek. My mother-in-law said, “I don’t get it. Why is the ogre the hero? He’s clearly not doing enough yard work.”
10. The Digital Camera: She bought a 2-megapixel camera. She says it’s “just enough resolution to capture the lack of polish in your life.”

The Full 2001 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Playlist: She has a playlist for her visits. It’s mostly just the sound of a heavy sigh on repeat.
12. The Mordor: She says my garage looks like Mordor, but with “less organized storage.”
13. The Cell Phone: She finally learned how to send a text. It just said: “I CAN SEE YOU SITTING DOWN.”
14. The Flat Screen: She thinks the flat-screen TV is a “flat-out lie” because it doesn’t show me looking productive.
15. The Laptop: She asked if my laptop has “the Google” on it. I told her it does. She asked it, “Why is my son-in-law like this?”
16. The E-mail: She started using “Reply All” for every tiny criticism. Now the whole family knows I forgot to buy 2% milk.
17. The Garden: She told the roses they were “over-dramatic” for wilting in the heat.
18. The Pager: She finally threw away her pager. She says she prefers “telepathy and screaming” now.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually starting to eat through the ceramic mug.
20. The Sitcom: She says Friends is over. I told her I wish her visits followed the same schedule.
21. The Cleaning: She brought her own “industrial strength” soap. She says our house needs an “exorcism of grime.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started selling tickets to our wedding video, but only to people who want to see her “looking brave in the face of tragedy.”
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his lawn was “an insult to the concept of green.”
24. The Airbag: She thinks the “Passenger Airbag” light is a scorekeeper for how many times she’s right.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to fix a broken son-in-law.” The internet suggested “Return to Sender.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says my digital photos are “too convenient.” She prefers the ones that take a week to develop, like her grudges.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “Patience.” She returned it ten minutes later saying it was “too slow.”
28. The Mirror: She doesn’t use a mirror; she uses the shiny surface of my new car to check if I’ve waxed it properly.
29. The Vacuum: She says the vacuum is “lazy” because it won’t go under the sofa by itself.
30. The Map: I bought her an atlas. She pointed to a remote island and said, “Is this where you’re planning to send me, or just where your brain goes during dinner?”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can win an argument with a “Bot.”
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a pineapple because it was “unnecessarily prickly.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “optimistic.” “You’re never going to be that productive,” she noted.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the chef if the soup had any “integrity” or if it was just “water with an identity crisis.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2001 is “too commercial.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Son-in-law smiled today. I suspect he’s hiding something or he’s finally lost it.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make a “Low Battery” beep sound like it’s my fault.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s technically a permanent structure.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy that his crust was “spiritually vacant.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 68 degrees is “the temperature of a tomb.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that your final answer?” He’s been watching too much TV with her.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite yoga pose is “The Pointing Finger.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window, she’s registered as a local landmark.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost to “stand up straight or don’t bother being dead.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to count how many seconds I’ve spent blinking.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big, it has its own weather system.
47. The Story: She tells a story about the Great Depression that somehow proves I’m spending too much on paper towels.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room bed has “no ambition.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the mountains. She said the peaks were “a bit jagged for her taste.”
50. The New Millennium: She says 2001 is the “real” start of the century, and she’s spending it making sure I know it.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard, we’re using it as a stepping stone in the garden.
52. The Radio: She hates “Nu-Metal.” She says it sounds like “a tractor having a nightmare.”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot, it’s creating its own steam engine.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the woods, the trees stop rustling. They don’t want to get a “talk.”
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a spa. It said: “I’m relaxing. You should try it, but you’d probably do it wrong.”
56. The Camera: She thinks “Red Eye” in photos is just her “true self” coming through.
57. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the DVD commentary and the “Making Of” featurette.