65 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2020 “Quarantine & Zoom” Edition

In 2020, we all learned how to bake sourdough bread, wash our groceries, and explain to our mothers-in-law why they were still “muted” on the family call. It was the year of Tiger King, the rise of TikTok dances in the living room, and the realization that social distancing from your mother-in-law was the only “mandate” you actually enjoyed.

The 2020 Top 10: The “Lockdown & Low Bandwidth” Classics

1. The Zoom Call: I told my mother-in-law she was on mute during our family Zoom. She said, “I’m not on mute, I’m just giving you the silent treatment in 1080p.”
2. The Quarantine: My mother-in-law asked if she could spend the lockdown with us. I told her the government said “essential travel only,” and I’ve never considered her visits essential.
3. The Tiger King: We watched Tiger King. My mother-in-law said Carole Baskin was “on to something,” and now I’m afraid to go near the garden with a steak in my pocket.
4. The Social Distancing: I told my mother-in-law we need to stay six feet apart. She said, “Make it sixty, and I might finally be able to tolerate your presence.”
5. The Toilet Paper: She called to ask if I had enough toilet paper. I said yes. She said, “Good, maybe you can use it to wipe that ‘quarantine beard’ off your face—it looks like a cry for help.”
6. The Sourdough: I showed her my sourdough starter. She said, “It’s bubbly, sour, and needs constant attention. It’s the first thing you’ve owned that actually reminds me of myself.”
7. The Work From Home: She caught me working in my pajamas. She said, “I see your professional standards have finally caught up with your personal ones.”
8. The Animal Crossing: My wife is obsessed with Animal Crossing. My mother-in-law asked if there’s an island where she can send me that doesn’t have a return airport.
9. The Hand Sanitizer: She says her personality is like 99.9% hand sanitizer—it burns a little, and it’s designed to get rid of “pests” like me.
10. The Google (Part 14): She asked Google, “How to organize a virtual eviction?” Google replied, “Just change the Wi-Fi password and don’t tell the son-in-law.”

The Full 2020 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Mask: She said wearing a mask is great because “it’s the first time in ten years she hasn’t had to see my mouth moving.”
12. The Virtual Background: She used a photo of a clean house as her Zoom background. She said, “I wanted to show you what a ‘success’ looks like, even if it’s digital.”
13. The Contact Tracing: She says she’s doing her own “contact tracing”—tracking every time I contact the fridge instead of the lawnmower.
14. The Netflix Party: We tried a “Netflix Party” together. She spent the whole movie “typing” in the chat box about how the lead actor reminded her of her much-more-successful brother.
15. The Smart Home (Part 4): She told Alexa to “Order a new son-in-law with Prime delivery.” Alexa said, “I’m sorry, that item is out of stock and also morally questionable.”
16. The E-mail Priority: She’s started using “Urgent: Quarantine Protocol” as the subject line for her recipes for kale salad.
17. The Garden: She told the weeds they were “the only thing in the yard with any real ambition during the lockdown.”
18. The iPhone 12: She got the new iPhone. She says the 5G stands for “5 Generations of disappointment” if you count my side of the family.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually being used as a backup disinfectant.
20. The Sitcom: She says Schitt’s Creek is a documentary about what happens when she has to stay at our guest room for more than a weekend.
21. The Cleaning: She brought a bottle of bleach to the Zoom call. She said she was “spiritually disinfecting” the connection.
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started a “Podcast Series” where she breaks down our wedding video frame by frame to find where the “bad luck” started.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his social distancing was “insufficiently dramatic.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “Sanitized Sensors” for when I breathe too close to her.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Can you return a son-in-law during a pandemic if he’s still under warranty?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She want a filter that makes me look like “a person who has a savings account.”
27. The Library: She checked out an e-book on “The Art of War.” She returned it and said, “Sun Tzu is a bit of a softie compared to my Monday mornings.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the reflection was “not following the local guidelines.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Roomba is “the only essential worker in this household.”
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started “Recalculating” her life choices as soon as she opened the app.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Mask” emoji look like a threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a bag of flour because it was “unnecessarily dusty.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I have a reason to wake up before noon.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the Uber Eats driver if the fries were “socially acceptable or just sad.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2020 is “too dramatic.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 42. The son-in-law still thinks he’s an ‘Intermediate Sourdough Baker.’ The bread is a rock. So is his head.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make a “Low Battery” sound like a personal failure on my part.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is currently “indefinitely docked” in our guest room. It has its own area code.
39. The Pizza: She told the delivery guy his mask was “lacking a sense of style.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 72 degrees is “the temperature of a dying civilization.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Are you still in your robe?” He’s definitely her eyes and ears.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging from a distance of six feet.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s actually being used by the neighbors as a “Neighborhood Watch” camera.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “translucency was a sign of a weak character.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 60% of the lockdown looking at memes of cats.
46. The Hat: Her “Lockdown Hat” is so big it’s actually a form of social distancing in itself.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the drive-thru. She said the menu was “too demanding.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2021 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a doorstop for the garage.
52. The Radio: She hates “Lo-Fi Beats.” She says it sounds like “someone who has given up on ever finding a chorus.”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually creating its own microclimate in the kitchen.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her about the “bread quality.”
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from the living room to the kitchen. It said: “I can see you eating the good cookies. Wish I was there to stop you.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the password to the Zoom meeting and the “End Meeting for All” button.
59. The Peloton (Part 2): She says the instructor is “too happy.” She prefers to ride the bike while listening to a recording of herself listing my chores.
60. The Baby Yoda (Part 2): She saw Baby Yoda and said, “He’s cute, but he’s 50 years old and still doesn’t have a steady job. Remind you of anyone?”
61. The Ring Camera (Part 2): We got a Ring doorbell. My mother-in-law hates it. She says, “I prefer to surprise you with my disappointment—technology takes the fun out of the ambush.”
62. The Disney+ (Part 2): She asked if Disney+ has a movie called “The Son-In-Law Who Finally Cleaned the Gutters.”
63. The 2020 Wrap-Up: She said 2020 was a year of “heightened awareness.” Mostly awareness of how much I still need to fix in the guest bathroom.
64. The WiFi: She says our WiFi is like my work ethic—”unstable, slow, and cuts out whenever things get difficult.”
65. The Last Word (Lockdown Edition): My mother-in-law doesn’t need a mask to protect herself. She says her icy glare has been creating a “sterile environment” since 1974.