61 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2013 “Frozen & Candy Crush” Edition

In 2013, the world was divided between people who couldn’t stop singing “Let It Go” and people who were stuck on level 65 of Candy Crush. It was the year of the Harlem Shake, the birth of Prince George, and the launch of Vine. For the mother-in-law, this meant her critiques were now limited to 6-second loops and her “sweetness” was as artificial as a digital lollipop.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Ice Queen & Sugar Crush” Classics

1. Frozen: I told my mother-in-law she’s exactly like Elsa from Frozen. Not because of the magic, but because “The cold never bothered her anyway”—mostly because she’s the one generating it.
2. Candy Crush: My mother-in-law is obsessed with Candy Crush. She says it’s the only place where she can get a “Sugar Crush” without having to look at my face across the dinner table.
3. Let It Go: I started singing “Let It Go” when my mother-in-law brought up a mistake I made in 2004. She said, “The only thing I’m letting go is my hope for your future.”
4. The Selfie: She learned what a “selfie” is. Now she sends me photos of herself pointing at the weeds in my garden with the caption: “Just me and some other things that shouldn’t be here.”
5. Vine: She tried using Vine to record 6-second videos of my failures. She complained it wasn’t nearly enough time to list why I shouldn’t have bought a boat.
6. The Pope: We got a new Pope in 2013. My mother-in-law said, “White smoke? That’s what usually happens when my son-in-law tries to check the oil in his car.”
7. Harlem Shake: She saw a video of the Harlem Shake and said, “That’s what the living room looks like every time I walk in and catch you trying to hide the pizza boxes.”
8. The Royal Baby: When Prince George was born, she said, “Finally, a baby with a real career path—unlike some people I could mention.”
9. The Netflix Binge: She discovered “binge-watching.” Now she can watch 14 hours of courtroom dramas in a row to prepare for our next “family discussion.”
10. The Google (Part 10): She asked Google, “How to beat level 147 in Candy Crush?” Google replied, “Ask your son-in-law—he’s clearly not doing anything else with his life.”

The Full 2013 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Facebook Invitation: She’s sent me 400 Candy Crush lives. I haven’t accepted one. Now she’s accusing me of “digital neglect.”
12. The Smartwatch: I bought her a smartwatch. It told her her heart rate was high. She said, “That’s because I’m standing in a room with a 50% humidity level and a 100% disappointing son-in-law.”
13. The Pinterest Board: She has a board called “Things I’d Buy If My Son-In-Law Had A Real Job.” It has 4,000 pins.
14. The GTA V: My son got Grand Theft Auto V. My mother-in-law said, “A game about stealing cars and causing chaos? Or as I call it: ‘What happens when I let the son-in-law drive my Buick’.”
15. The Instagram Direct: She sends me direct messages of “Helpful Cleaning Tips” that are clearly just insults wrapped in emojis.
16. The E-mail Filter: She found out I put her e-mails in a separate folder. She said, “Is that where you keep all the things you’re too afraid to read?”
17. The Garden: She told the petunias they were “looking very mid-2000s” and needed a rebrand.
18. The iPad Air: She got the iPad Air. She says it’s “as light as my son-in-law’s bank account.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually starting to erode the enamel on my teeth from across the room.
20. The Sitcom: She says Orange Is the New Black is what I’ll be wearing if I don’t stop being “sarcastic about her visits.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a high-powered flashlight to the guest room. She said she’s looking for “dust, or a reason to stay another week.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started “live-streaming” our wedding video to her church group with a “Where are they now?” commentary.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his dog was “barking with a regional accent.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “judgmental sensors.” I told her the car is beeping because she hasn’t buckled her seatbelt. She said, “It’s beeping because it knows you’re speeding.”
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Is it possible to donate a son-in-law to science?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too clean.” She misses the days when you could blame a bad photo on “the lighting” instead of “the subject’s lack of charisma.”
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Joy of Being Right.” She said it was a “biography.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the glass was “making a face” at her.
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more drive” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through 1978.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Sparkle” emoji look like a threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a head of lettuce because it “looked like it was judging her.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2013 is “too mainstream.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 5. The son-in-law tried to explain ‘The Cloud.’ I told him he’s been living in one for years.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a disappointment.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s affecting the Earth’s rotation.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car was “an insult to the neighborhood’s aesthetic.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “You missed a spot.” He’s officially her apprentice.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2014 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Indie Rock.” She says it sounds like “people who are sad about having to pay for their own hair gel.”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The Twitter: She only has one follower—me—but she tweets as if she’s addressing the United Nations.
60. The Vine (Part 2): She recorded a Vine of me sleeping on the sofa. It went viral in her knitting circle.
61. The 2013 Wrap-Up: She said 2013 was a year of “chilling realizations.” Mostly about my ability to ignore the lawn.