56 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2004 “Facebook & Flip Phone” Edition

In 2004, the social media revolution began, and the “Snap” of a flip phone was the ultimate punctuation mark. It was the year of Mean Girls, Lost, and the first time we realized that “poking” someone online could be a form of communication. For the mother-in-law, this meant her social circle expanded to include everyone she could find online to complain to about your yard work.

The 2004 Top 10: The “Social Network” Classics

1. The Facebook: My mother-in-law joined Facebook. She didn’t post any photos, she just changed her “Relationship Status” with me to “It’s Complicated… and mostly his fault.”
2. The Motorola Razr: My mother-in-law loves her flip phone. She says snapping it shut is the only way she can feel like she’s actually winning an argument with me.
3. The Lost: I told my mother-in-law she’s like the show Lost. I’m four seasons in, I have no idea what’s happening, but I’m pretty sure it’s all going to end in a disaster.
4. The Mean Girls: She watched Mean Girls and took notes. She said the “Burn Book” was a great idea, but she’s going to need a much bigger binder for my failures.
5. The iPod Mini: I bought her an iPod Mini. She said it was “cute, but not quite large enough to hold the weight of her disappointment.”
6. The Friend Request: She sent me a friend request. I ignored it. Now she’s standing in the living room asking me if “the internet is broken again.”
7. The Shrek 2: We saw Shrek 2. My mother-in-law said the Fairy Godmother was “the only sensible person in the movie—she actually cared about property values.”
8. The Poke: She found the “Poke” button on Facebook. Now she pokes me digitally every hour to remind me that the gutters need cleaning.
9. The Nintendo DS: My son got a DS. My mother-in-law asked if there’s a game called “Grandma Is Always Right.” I told her it’s not a game, it’s a lifestyle.
10. The Google (Part 5): She asked Google, “How to uninstall a son-in-law?” Google redirected her to a moving company.

The Full 2004 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Wall: She doesn’t post on my Facebook Wall. She just stands next to the actual wall in my house and stares at me until I feel guilty.
12. The Blue-Ray: I explained Blue-Ray to her. She said, “High definition? Great, now I can see the dust on your shelves from across the room.”
13. The Ringtone: I set her ringtone to the Jaws theme. She found out and changed mine to a recording of a crying baby.
14. The Flash Drive: She asked for a flash drive. She wanted to “back up” all the times I’ve forgotten her birthday.
15. The Laptop: She thinks the “Caps Lock” is the “Screaming at the Son-in-law” button.
16. The E-mail Attachment: She sent me a photo of a clean house with the caption: “Just a suggestion.”
17. The Garden: She told the hydrangea it was “lacking a work ethic.”
18. The Flip Phone snapping: She snaps her phone shut so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t create a sonic boom.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually starting to speak a dead language.
20. The Sitcom: She says Desperate Housewives is about her life, and I’m the “reason for the desperation.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a white glove to the house. I told her we don’t do magic tricks here. She said, “The only magic trick here is how you’ve kept a job this long.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started “live-tweeting” our wedding video to her bridge club.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his cat was “unnecessarily judgmental.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has a “Mother-in-law mode” where the radio only plays 1940s radio plays.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Is it possible to return a son-in-law to the factory for a refund?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too forgiving.” She wants a camera that captures “the true essence of my laziness.”
27. The Library: She asked for a book on “The Joy of Being Right.” The librarian said, “You could have written that book, ma’am.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and told the reflection to “get it together.”
29. The Vacuum: She says our vacuum is “pretending to be tired.”
30. The Map: I bought her a GPS. She told the GPS it had a “bad attitude” and she hasn’t used it since.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Wink” emoji look like a death threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a cucumber because it was “too green.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “an optimist.”
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the chicken had a “clear career path before it ended up on her plate.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2004 is “trying too hard to be dramatic.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 5. The son-in-law still doesn’t realize the ‘check engine’ light is actually my disapproval manifest.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make a “text message sent” sound like a slap.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s technically a tectonic plate.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy that his crust was “spiritually bankrupt.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 72 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that what we’re wearing?” He’s been listening to her again.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “competitive sighing.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a gargoyle.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost to “put on some proper clothes and stop lounging around the hallway.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent $2,000 on “meaningless hobbies” like eating.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s being tracked by weather satellites.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her first car that somehow proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “hiding something.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “Opportunities for Growth” for me for 2005.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard we’re using it as a foundation for the new shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a protective circle… around her, so they don’t get yelled at.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.