64 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2009 “Avatar & Bitcoin” Edition

In 2009, we were all trying to figure out how to mine Bitcoin and whether we looked cool in plastic 3D glasses. It was the year of Parks and Recreation, the death of Michael Jackson, and the launch of Windows 7. For the mother-in-law, this meant her presence was no longer just a “visit”—it was an immersive, high-definition experience where every flaw in your character was projected in stunning 3D.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Blue Aliens & Blockchain” Classics

1. The Avatar: My mother-in-law saw Avatar and said, “A world where everyone is blue and complains about their environment? Finally, a place where I’d fit in.”
2. The Bitcoin: I told my mother-in-law I’m investing in Bitcoin. She said, “Digital money that doesn’t exist? Sounds like your chances of ever becoming the ‘Man of the House’.”
3. The 3D Glasses: We went to a 3D movie. My mother-in-law took her glasses off and said, “I don’t need these to see that your haircut is a disaster in every dimension.”
4. The Windows 7: I told her Windows 7 was my idea. She said, “Windows 7 is stable, fast, and helpful. You must be thinking of a different operating system… or a different son-in-law.”
5. The Unmanned Drone: She asked me what a drone is. I told her it’s something that hovers over you and records everything you do wrong. She said, “Oh, so I’m a pioneer in the field!”
6. The FarmVille: My mother-in-law is obsessed with FarmVille on Facebook. She spends eight hours a day tending to digital cows because “at least they don’t talk back when I tell them they’re standing in the wrong spot.”
7. The Kindle 2: She got the new Kindle. She says it’s much better than a son-in-law because it actually “stores useful information” and has an “instant-off” button.
8. The Hangover: We watched The Hangover. My mother-in-law said, “Losing a friend in Vegas? Amateur. I’ve been trying to lose this son-in-law in the grocery store for years.”
9. The Twitter (Part 2): She’s now using hashtags. Her favorite is #BlessedButNotByMySonInLaw.
10. The Kanye West: My mother-in-law is like Kanye at the VMAs. She’ll let me finish a sentence, but first, she has to tell everyone that her daughter had one of the “best ex-boyfriends of all time.”

The Full 2009 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Blockchain: She thinks “Blockchain” is the new high-security lock she wants me to install on the guest room door so I can’t “accidentally” interrupt her naps.
12. The Blue-Ray (Part 2): She says Blu-ray is “too honest.” It shows the crumbs on the carpet that I’ve been ignoring since the 2008 election.
13. The GPS (Part 9): I bought her a new GPS. It now has a “Recalculating Career Path” setting specifically for me.
14. The Netbook: She uses her Netbook as a tray for her tea. She says it’s the only way to get a “stable connection.”
15. The E-mail Thread: She’s started “cc-ing” the entire neighborhood on her “suggestions” for our front lawn.
16. The Garden: She told the sunflowers they were “trying too hard to be the center of attention.”
17. The Ringtone: I set her ringtone to a dial-up modem sound. She found out and set mine to the sound of a foghorn.
18. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually starting to develop its own gravitational pull.
19. The Sitcom: She says Modern Family is “unrealistic” because the son-in-law (Phil) is “occasionally likable.”
20. The Cleaning: She brought a digital level to the house to prove the bookshelves were “spiritually slanted.”
21. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Blu-ray Remastered” version of our wedding, now with 3D subtitles explaining what she was thinking in every scene.
22. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his sprinklers were “lacking a sense of purpose.”
23. The Airbag: She asked if the car has a “Mother-in-law” setting where the AC stays at exactly 62 degrees and the radio is muted.
24. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to trade a son-in-law for a half-decent lawnmower.”
25. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too convenient.” She misses the days when you had to wait for disappointment to develop.
26. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of Negotiation.” She returned it saying, “I don’t negotiate; I dictate.”
27. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the glass was “making a face” at her.
28. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more personality” than I do.
29. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
30. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Thumbs Up” emoji look like a dismissal.
31. The Supermarket: She tried to return a pineapple because it was “too prickly for a Monday.”
32. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
33. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
34. The Rain: She says the rain in 2009 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
35. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 3. The son-in-law tried to explain ‘The Cloud.’ I told him he’s been living in one for years—a cloud of confusion.”
36. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a threat.
37. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s technically a mountain range.
38. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car was “an insult to the neighborhood’s aesthetic.”
39. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
40. The Bird: My parrot started saying “You missed a spot.” He’s officially her apprentice.
41. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
42. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
43. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
44. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
45. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
46. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
47. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
48. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
49. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2010 Failures” for me.
50. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
51. The Radio: She hates “Indie Rock.” She says it sounds like “people who are sad about having to pay for their own hair gel.”
52. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
53. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
54. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
55. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
56. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
57. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
58. The iPhone 3GS: She says the “S” stands for “Still Disappointed.”
59. The Status Update: She changed her status to “Visiting the son-in-law.” Within five minutes, three people sent her “Get Well Soon” cards.
60. The Wii Fit (Part 2): She uses the Wii Fit board as a bathroom scale. She says it’s the only thing that “speaks her language.”
61. The Nook: She bought a Nook and complained that it “didn’t have enough corners.”
62. The Glee: She watched Glee and said the singing was “unnecessary.” “I can deliver a lecture on his failures without needing a backup choir,” she noted.
63. The Unmanned Vehicle: She thinks my career is like an unmanned vehicle—moving forward, but no one is actually steering.
64. The 2009 Wrap-Up: She said 2009 was a year of “heightened awareness.” Mostly awareness of how much I still need to fix in the guest bathroom.