62 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2014 “Ice Bucket Challenge” Edition

In 2014, your Facebook feed was 90% people getting wet and 10% people complaining about Interstellar being too confusing. It was the year of the “Selfie” song, the rise of the smart home, and the world’s most famous “Oscar Selfie.” For the mother-in-law, this meant her “coldness” was finally on-trend, and her ability to “hover” like a drone reached new heights of precision.

The 2014 Top 10: The “Frozen Water & Flying Birds” Classics

1. The Ice Bucket Challenge: I asked my mother-in-law if she was going to take the Ice Bucket Challenge. She said, “Why? I already give everyone around me a cold shower just by entering the room.”
2. The Flappy Bird: My mother-in-law said my career is like Flappy Bird. “A lot of flapping around, very little progress, and eventually, you just crash into a pipe you should have seen coming.”
3. The Oscar Selfie: She tried to recreate the Ellen DeGeneres Oscar selfie with the family. She told me to move out of the frame because I was “ruining the lighting and the property value.”
4. The GoPro: I bought a GoPro to record our vacation. My mother-in-law said, “Finally, a camera that can keep up with how fast you run away when I start talking about your retirement fund.”
5. The Smart Home: We got a Nest thermostat. My mother-in-law hates it because it keeps turning the heat up. She says, “I prefer a house that matches my heart—55 degrees and strictly regulated.”
6. The Interstellar: We watched Interstellar. My mother-in-law said the concept of “time dilation” was perfect: “It explains why five minutes of listening to you feels like 40 years on a water planet.”
7. The Uber: She tried to order an Uber to our house. The driver cancelled when he saw her standing on the porch with a clipboard and a “Pre-Ride Inspection” form.
8. The Phablet: She got one of those massive “Phablets.” She says it’s the only screen big enough to display all the “Red Flags” she’s noticed in our marriage.
9. The Kim Kardashian: She saw the “Break the Internet” photo and said, “If I wanted to break the internet, I’d just upload a video of my son-in-law trying to build a birdhouse. The world would stop from sheer disbelief.”
10. The Google (Part 11): She asked Google, “Is there a ‘Mute’ button for a son-in-law?” Google replied, “We’re working on it, but for now, try moving to another continent.”

The Full 2014 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Fitbit: She got a Fitbit. It told her she took 10,000 steps. She said, “Most of those were me pacing around your kitchen wondering why you still haven’t fixed the leaky faucet.”
12. The Amazon Prime: She thinks Amazon Prime is a secret service designed to deliver her “emergency criticisms” within two hours.
13. The Tinder: She found out what Tinder is. She said, “If I had that in my day, I would have swiped left until my thumb fell off before I let my daughter meet you.”
14. The Maleficent: We saw Maleficent. My mother-in-law said the movie was “too soft on the protagonist.” She prefers villains with “more follow-through.”
15. The Netflix Binge (Part 2): She binged House of Cards and started calling me “Frank,” but only because she thinks I’m “plotting to do nothing.”
16. The E-mail Attachment: She sent me a digital “Voucher” for a personality transplant. It expires tomorrow.
17. The Garden: She told the sunflowers they were “excessively tall for no reason.”
18. The iPhone 6: She got the 6 Plus. She says the “Bendgate” issue is nothing compared to how I “bend the truth” about my salary.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can be used as fuel for a small aircraft.
20. The Sitcom: She says Big Bang Theory is unrealistic because “smart people would never hang out with someone like me.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a drone into the house. She says it’s the only way to check the dust on top of the ceiling fans without “risking her dignity.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started a YouTube channel dedicated to “Analyzing the Mistakes of My Daughter’s Wedding.” It has 3 subscribers, all her sisters.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his Christmas lights were “trying too hard to be the North Star.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “Side-Impact Protection” for when I’m driving her crazy with my “lack of direction.”
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Can you return a son-in-law to the hospital where he was born for a store credit?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She wants a filter that makes me look like “a responsible adult” but says “the technology isn’t there yet.”
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of War.” She returned it saying, “I’ve already mastered the ‘passive-aggressive silence’ chapter.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the lighting was “conspiring with the son-in-law.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more ambition” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Smile” emoji look like a subpoena.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a grapefruit because it “had a bad attitude.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2014 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 6. The son-in-law still doesn’t realize I’ve hidden the remote in the freezer.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “End Call” feel like a life sentence.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own escort vehicle.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his shoes were “a cry for help.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 69 degrees is “the temperature of a lukewarm soul.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” He’s a natural.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2015 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The Apple Watch (Early Adopter): She’s waiting for the Apple Watch so she can be disappointed in me “literally every second of the day.”
60. The Guardians of the Galaxy: She saw the movie and said, “A talking raccoon? Still more sensible than my son-in-law’s investment strategy.”
61. The Frozen (Part 2): She told me I should “Let It Go.” I asked “What?” She said, “Your dream of being the favorite child-in-law.”
62. The 2014 Wrap-Up: She said 2014 was a year of “fluidity.” Mostly because she kept moving the goalposts for when I’d be “good enough.”