59 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2005 “YouTube & Guitar Hero” Edition

In 2005, the phrase “Broadcast Yourself” became a reality, and we all thought we could be rock stars with five plastic buttons. It was the year of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and the launch of the Xbox 360. For the mother-in-law, this meant a new era of “on-camera” judgment and comparing your career path to a video game—one where you’re stuck on the “Tutorial” level forever.

The 2005 Top 10: The “Viral & Virtual” Classics

1. The YouTube: My mother-in-law asked me what YouTube is. I told her it’s a place where people upload videos of things no one wants to watch. She said, “Oh, so it’s like a CCTV feed of your life?”
2. The Guitar Hero: I was playing Guitar Hero on “Expert” level. My mother-in-law walked in and said, “It’s nice to see you finally holding a job… even if it’s a plastic one.”
3. The Revenge of the Sith: We watched the new Star Wars. My mother-in-law said Anakin’s transformation into a villain was “too slow.” She says she managed to turn into a nightmare for me in under five minutes.
4. The Xbox 360: She asked if the “360” in Xbox 360 stands for the number of degrees she has to turn to find something wrong with our house.
5. The Wedding Crashers: We saw Wedding Crashers. My mother-in-law said the movie was unrealistic because “no one has to sneak into a wedding to ruin it—they usually just invite me.”
6. The iPod Nano: I bought her an iPod Nano. She complained it was so small it was “easy to lose, just like my respect for your decorating skills.”
7. The Viral Video: I told her she’s going viral. She asked if that’s a medical condition or if the neighbors finally saw her chasing the mailman.
8. The Nintendogs: My wife got Nintendogs. My mother-in-law said, “Finally, a pet you can’t forget to feed—though you’ll probably find a way.”
9. The Google Earth: She spent three hours on Google Earth looking at our roof. She called to tell me there’s a leaf in the gutter that’s “looking very unmotivated.”
10. The Sitcom: She says The Office is a comedy for me, but a “to-do list” for her.

The Full 2005 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Buffer: She’s like a YouTube video on dial-up—she stops every ten seconds to make sure you’re still paying attention.
12. The Avatar: She asked if she can have an “Avatar.” I told her she already has one—it’s the storm cloud that follows her into the room.
13. The Flat Screen: She says the TV is so thin it’s “lacking the moral fiber of a CRT.”
14. The Flash Drive: She thinks a “Flash Drive” is how I drive when I hear her car pulling into the driveway.
15. The Bluetooth: She got a Bluetooth headset. Now she looks like she’s arguing with the air, which honestly isn’t that much different from usual.
16. The E-mail Filter: I set up a filter for her e-mails. Now they all go to a folder labeled “The Final Boss.”
17. The Garden: She told the petunias they were “living beyond their means.”
18. The Ringtone: She set her ringtone to a siren. She says it “matches the urgency of her needs.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can solve complex differential equations.
20. The Podcast: She started a podcast. It’s just 40 minutes of her stirring tea and sighing at my graduation photo.
21. The Cleaning: She brought a UV light to the guest room. She said she’s looking for “traces of effort.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Director’s Cut” of our wedding video, where she’s the narrator.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his lawn mower was “crying for help.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “judgmental sensors.” I told her she’s sitting on them.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to teach a son-in-law basic human functions.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too clean.” She misses the red-eye; she says it was “more honest.”
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The History of Grudges.” She told the librarian it was “a bit light on the details.”
28. The Mirror: She doesn’t use a mirror; she uses the back of a spoon so she can see me looking distorted in the background.
29. The Vacuum: She says the Roomba is “the only member of this family with a work ethic.”
30. The Map: I bought her a new GPS. It now refuses to turn on when she’s in the car.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can win an argument in a “Read-Only” forum.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a loaf of bread because it “lacked a sense of purpose.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “a liar.”
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the steak had “aspirations” before it met me.
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2005 is “too digital.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “The son-in-law attempted to cook. The fire department was unimpressed. So was I.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a disappointment.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own zip code.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car smelled like “unfulfilled dreams.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 68 degrees is “the temperature of a lukewarm apology.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that your best?” He’s definitely on her payroll.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon complaining.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s actually blocking the light.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “transparency was a sign of a weak character.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a solar eclipse in the garden.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the beach. She said the sand was “too unorganized.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2006 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the coconuts are judging me.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The Status Update: She changed her status to “Visiting the son-in-law.” Within five minutes, three people sent her “Get Well Soon” cards.