59 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2017 “Fidget Spinner & Bitcoin Peak” Edition

In 2017, you couldn’t enter a room without hearing the hum of a fidget spinner or someone talking about “The Blockchain.” It was the year of Wonder Woman, the launch of the Nintendo Switch, and the world’s obsession with “Despacito.” For the mother-in-law, this meant her critiques were now “high-frequency” and her mood was as volatile as a digital currency—but always with a downward trend for you.

The 2017 Top 10: The “Spinning & Speculation” Classics

1. The Fidget Spinner: I gave my mother-in-law a fidget spinner. She played with it for five seconds and said, “It’s nice to finally have something in this house that can actually complete a full rotation without needing a nap.”
2. The Bitcoin: I told my mother-in-law I’m investing in Bitcoin. She said, “A digital currency based on nothing but faith? Sounds like your plan to pay off the mortgage.”
3. The Despacito: She’s like the song Despacito. I don’t understand most of what she’s saying, but I know she’s going to keep repeating it until I lose my mind.
4. The Nintendo Switch: I bought a Nintendo Switch. My mother-in-law asked if it can “Switch” me for a son-in-law who knows how to fix a leaky faucet.
5. The Wonder Woman: We saw Wonder Woman. My mother-in-law said, “A woman saving the world while men stand around looking confused? So, basically, a Tuesday at my house.”
6. The iPhone X: She saw the new iPhone with Face ID. She said, “It’s a shame it only recognizes faces—if it recognized ‘failed potential,’ it would lock you out of your own phone.”
7. The Fortnite: My son is obsessed with Fortnite. My mother-in-law said, “Building forts and hiding from enemies? Your father has been doing that since the day we got married.”
8. The Smart Mirror: She saw a “Smart Mirror” at the store. She said, “I don’t need a mirror to tell me I’m the smartest person in the room—I just need you to stop talking so I can hear myself think.”
9. The Tesla Roadster: I told her about the car Elon Musk sent into space. She said, “Is there room for two? I’ve got a son-in-law who’d look great in orbit.”
10. The Google Home (Part 2): She asked Google, “Who is the boss of this house?” Google replied, “I found 1 result: Your mother-in-law. Would you like me to play her favorite lecture?”

The Full 2017 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Blockchain: She thinks the “Blockchain” is the series of locks she wants to put on her daughter’s bedroom door when I’m being “difficult.”
12. The Instagram Gallery: She’s started posting “Galleries.” It’s just 10 photos of the same dust bunny under our sofa from 10 different angles.
13. The Animoji: She sent me an Animoji of a pile of poop. No message, just the Animoji. I’m pretty sure it was a self-portrait of her opinion of me.
14. The Handmaid’s Tale: She watched the show and said, “Finally, a world with some proper discipline… although the outfits are a bit much for gardening.”
15. The AirPods (Part 2): She says AirPods are “the perfect invention.” “Now you have an excuse for not listening to me, instead of just pretending your ears are broken.”
16. The E-mail Priority: She’s started using “High Importance” flags for things like “Running out of Earl Grey.”
17. The Garden: She told the lawn it was “looking very 2016” and needed a “total disruption.”
18. The 4K TV: She says 4K is “dangerous.” “I can see the exact moment you give up on an argument in real-time.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can be used to dissolve small gemstones.
20. The Sitcom: She says The Good Place is unrealistic because “there’s no way my son-in-law would ever make the cut.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a thermal camera to the house. She said she’s checking for “cold spots in my heart.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Bitcoin Edition” of our wedding video—the value drops every time she speaks.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his solar panels were “too flashy for the neighborhood.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “Passive-Aggressive Protection.” I told her the car doesn’t, but I’ve been working on it for years.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to delete a son-in-law’s browser history and his ego.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She wants a camera that captures “the aura of disappointment” she feels when I enter the room.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Joy of Being Right.” She said it was “a short read, because for me, it’s just instinct.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why it was “giving her attitude.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Roomba is “the only member of this family who follows a schedule.”
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started “Recalculating” her life choices as soon as she sat in the car.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Sparkle” emoji look like a threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a head of broccoli because it “lacked a sense of symmetry.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “prepared with a sense of purpose.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2017 is “too mainstream.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 5. The son-in-law tried to explain ‘Crypto.’ I told him his bank account is already ‘cryptic’ enough.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a disappointment.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s starting to affect the local tectonic plates.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car smelled like “unfulfilled dreams.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 72 degrees is “the temperature of a dying empire.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that your final answer?” He’s definitely on her payroll.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “competitive sighing.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a gargoyle.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “translucency was a sign of a weak character.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2018 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the blockchain validation.
59. The Fidget Spinner (Part 2): She said my life is like a fidget spinner—it’s moving fast, making a weird noise, and is ultimately a pointless distraction.