59 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2012 “End of the World” Edition

In 2012, we were all half-expecting the world to end on December 21st, but the only thing that actually crashed was the internet from too many people watching Psy dance. It was the year of the London Olympics, the rise of the “Selfie Stick,” and the moment we realized that “The Avengers” could save New York, but they couldn’t save you from a Sunday brunch with your mother-in-law.

The 2012 Top 10: The “Apocalypse & Olympus” Classics

1. The Mayan Calendar: I asked my mother-in-law if she’s worried about the world ending in 2012. She said, “I’ve survived two world wars, the disco era, and your attempts at cooking. The Mayans are amateurs.”
2. The Gangnam Style: My mother-in-law tried to do the Gangnam Style dance. I told her she looked like she was trying to fight off a swarm of invisible bees. She said, “At least I’m moving—you look like a statue of ‘Procrastination’.”
3. The Curiosity Rover: NASA put a rover on Mars to look for signs of life. My mother-in-law said, “They should have just sent me. I can find signs of a ‘lack of life’ just by looking at your social calendar.”
4. The Selfie Stick: She bought a selfie stick. Now she can take photos of her “disappointed face” from a much wider angle, capturing me failing in the background in full panoramic view.
5. The Avengers: We watched The Avengers. My mother-in-law said, “A group of unstable individuals with too much power who never listen to anyone? Sounds like my daughter’s in-laws.”
6. The London Olympics: She watched the opening ceremony and complained that the Queen “didn’t look judgmental enough” while jumping out of the helicopter.
7. The Skyfall: We saw the new Bond movie. My mother-in-law said, “James Bond always has an escape plan. Why don’t you have one for when the mortgage is due?”
8. The Pinterest: She joined Pinterest. She has a board called “Dream Homes.” None of them look like ours, and one of them is just a picture of a very nice, very far away retirement community for me.
9. The iCloud: I explained the cloud to her. She said, “So all my grievances are stored in the sky now? Good, let the heavens know I’m right.”
10. The End of Days: I told her if the world ends, I want to be with her. She asked why. I said, “Because ten minutes with you feels like an eternity.”

The Full 2012 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Facebook Timeline: She hates the new Timeline feature. She says it makes it too easy to track exactly when I started losing my hair and my ambition.
12. The Instagram Filters: She says the “1977” filter is the only one she likes because it reminds her of the last time I made a sensible decision.
13. The Siri (Part 2): She argued with Siri for twenty minutes about the fastest way to the mall. Siri eventually just turned itself off.
14. The Hunger Games: She watched The Hunger Games and said, “A competition where everyone tries to eliminate each other while being watched by millions? So, basically, a family Thanksgiving.”
15. The Smart TV: She asked if the TV is “Smart” enough to tell me to get a haircut.
16. The E-mail: She’s started “pinning” my e-mails to her fridge. Specifically the ones where I apologized for the “Thanksgiving Incident.”
17. The Garden: She told the birdfeeder it was “encouraging a handout culture” among the local sparrows.
18. The iPad Mini: She got the Mini. She says it’s “perfectly sized for hitting me on the back of the head when I’m being sarcastic.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can be used to strip paint off a battleship.
20. The Sitcom: She says Girls is a show about people who are “confused.” I told her she’s a show about people who are “certain… and wrong.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a blacklight to the living room. She said she’s looking for “residue of a personality.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Doomsday Edition” of our wedding video, which features her predicting the end of our marriage every five minutes.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his garden gnome was “lacking a clear moral compass.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “proximity sensors for people with bad attitudes.” I told her the car was beeping at her the whole time.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to survive the apocalypse with a son-in-law who can’t even change a tire.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too fast.” She prefers the ones that take a week to develop, just like her grudges.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The History of Everything.” She returned it because she wasn’t mentioned in the “Most Influential People” section.
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the glass was “acting so superior.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more drive” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Thumbs Up” emoji look like a dismissal.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a pineapple because it was “too prickly for a Monday.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2012 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “December 21st. The world didn’t end. I guess I’ll have to finish that lecture on the son-in-law’s posture after all.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a threat.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own zip code.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car was “an insult to the neighborhood’s aesthetic.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “You missed a spot.” He’s officially her apprentice.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2013 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Indie Rock.” She says it sounds like “people who are sad about having to pay for their own hair gel.”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The 2012 Wrap-Up: She said 2012 was a good year, mostly because the Mayan prophecy gave her a great excuse to tell me everything I’d done wrong in case we all “blew up.”