57 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2018 “Infinity War & Alexa” Edition

In 2018, we were all asking “Why is Gamora?” and trying to figure out how to stop our smart speakers from eavesdropping on our private thoughts. It was the year of Black Panther, the Royal Wedding of Harry and Meghan, and the “Floss” dance craze. For the mother-in-law, this meant her “Snap” was far more terrifying than Thanos’s, and her “Smart Home” integration meant she could criticize you through the refrigerator door.

The 2018 Top 10: The “Infinity & Intelligence” Classics

1. The Infinity War: My mother-in-law saw Infinity War and said Thanos was “weak.” She said, “He only got rid of half the people. I could clear out this entire living room just by mentioning my vacation photos.”
2. The Alexa: I bought an Amazon Echo. My mother-in-law spent three hours arguing with Alexa about the “correct” way to make a pot roast. Alexa eventually just played “The Sound of Silence” and muted itself.
3. The Royal Wedding: She watched the Royal Wedding and said, “A prince marrying a commoner? It gives me hope that one day my daughter might find someone with a title… or at least a job.”
4. The Floss: My son tried to show her how to do the “Floss” dance. She said, “I’ve been ‘flossing’ through your excuses for years—I’m a natural.”
5. The Face ID: She hates Face ID on the new iPhone. She says, “The phone refuses to unlock because it thinks I’m a different person every time I see you—it’s called ‘shock,’ and the camera can’t process it.”
6. The Fortnite (Part 2): She asked why everyone is obsessed with “Victory Royales.” I told her it’s about being the last one standing. She said, “So it’s exactly like a visit to your house—I survive, everyone else flees.”
7. The Black Panther: She saw Black Panther and asked where she could buy some Vibranium. She says she needs it to build a “son-in-law proof” shield around the guest room.
8. The Smart Fridge: Our new fridge tells us when we’re out of milk. My mother-in-law said, “Great, now the appliances are as judgmental as I am about your shopping habits.”
9. The Tesla Space Car: I told her the car in space is still orbiting the sun. She said, “If we send you up next, will you at least send a postcard, or will you be ‘too busy’ for that too?”
10. The Google Assistant: She told Google Assistant to “fix my life.” Google replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t have the permissions to delete your son-in-law.”

The Full 2018 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Snap: She doesn’t need Infinity Stones to make me disappear. She just starts talking about “family traditions” and I vanish into the garage.
12. The Instagram TV: She started an IGTV channel. It’s a 24-hour live feed of her looking at my unwashed car and sighing.
13. The GDPR: She sent me an e-mail saying she has updated her “Privacy Policy.” I am no longer allowed to know when she’s leaving.
14. The Crypto Crash: I told her Bitcoin lost half its value. She said, “Just like your credibility when you told me you’d fix the fence by July.”
15. The Bird Box: We watched Bird Box. My mother-in-law said, “Wearing a blindfold to avoid seeing something terrifying? I’ve been doing that every time I walk past your laundry room.”
16. The E-mail Priority: She’s started using “Read Receipts” and “Delivery Confirmations.” She treats every text like a legal summons.
17. The Garden: She told the lawn it was “lacking a competitive spirit.”
18. The Screen Time: She checked my “Screen Time” report and said, “3 hours on games? That’s 3 hours you could have spent being 10% less of a disappointment.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually starting to corrode the ceramic mug from the inside out.
20. The Sitcom: She says Succession is about her life, and I’m “the cousin no one actually wants to talk to.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a high-speed camera to the kitchen. She said she’s trying to “capture the exact moment the dust settles on the counters you claim to have cleaned.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “4K Ultra-HD Remaster” of our wedding, now with “Fact-Checking” subtitles for my vows.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his birdbath was “encouraging the wrong kind of pigeons.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “Side-Impact Protection” for when I’m driving her crazy with my “lack of ambition.”
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to trade a son-in-law for a year’s supply of high-end yarn.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She wants a filter that makes me look like “a responsible adult” but says “the technology isn’t there yet.”
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of War.” She returned it saying, “I’ve already mastered the ‘passive-aggressive silence’ chapter.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the lighting was “conspiring with the son-in-law.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more ambition” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Smile” emoji look like a subpoena.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a grapefruit because it “had a bad attitude.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2018 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “The son-in-law tried to floss today. I told him he should start with his teeth, not his dancing.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “End Call” feel like a life sentence.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own escort vehicle.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his shoes were “a cry for help.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 69 degrees is “the temperature of a lukewarm soul.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” He’s a natural.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2019 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the smart-home automation rights.