58 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2015 “Apple Watch & Hotline Bling” Edition

In 2015, we were all staring at our wrists and trying to figure out if that dress was blue and black or white and gold. It was the year of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the rise of TikTok’s predecessor (Musical.ly), and the “Hotline Bling” dance. For the mother-in-law, this meant her judgment was now haptic—she could literally make your arm vibrate with a distant, disapproving sigh.

The 2015 Top 10: The “Wrist-Mounted & Color-Coded” Classics

1. The Apple Watch: I bought my mother-in-law an Apple Watch. Now she can track my heart rate and call me the second she notices it’s too high, just to ask if I’m “actually doing something productive for once.”
2. The Dress: My mother-in-law and I argued about “The Dress.” She said it was white and gold; I said it was blue and black. She won the argument by saying, “It doesn’t matter what color it is—you’d still find a way to spill gravy on it.”
3. The Hotline Bling: My mother-in-law is like that Drake song. “You used to call me on my cell phone…” No, wait—she still calls me every ten minutes to ask why the lawn looks like a “neglected jungle.”
4. The Force Awakens: We saw the new Star Wars. My mother-in-law said, “The Force has finally awakened? Good, maybe it can wake up my son-in-law before noon on a Saturday.”
5. The Mad Max: We watched Mad Max: Fury Road. My mother-in-law said, “A world with limited resources and constant shouting? It’s exactly like when the son-in-law is in charge of the grocery budget.”
6. The Netflix & Chill: She asked me what “Netflix and Chill” means. I told her it’s when you watch a movie and relax. She said, “Oh, so what you do every day while my daughter works three jobs?”
7. The Selfie Stick (Part 2): She’s upgraded her selfie stick to a drone. Now she can get high-altitude footage of the mess in our backyard to show her bridge club.
8. The Slack: I told her I use Slack for work. She said, “I know you do. You’ve been ‘slacking’ since the day I met you.”
9. The Amazon Echo: She’s jealous of Alexa. She says, “Why would you ask a machine for the weather when I’m right here to tell you that it’s going to rain and you haven’t put the patio furniture away?”
10. The Google (Part 12): She asked Google, “How to transfer a mother-in-law’s consciousness into an Apple Watch?” Google replied, “That’s called a ‘haunting,’ and it’s already happening.”

The Full 2015 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Haptic Feedback: She loves her Apple Watch. Every time I make a sarcastic comment, her wrist vibrates to remind her to “stay strong against the son-in-law.”
12. The Periscope: She started using Periscope to live-stream my attempts at assembling IKEA furniture. The title of the stream was “A Tragedy in Three Parts.”
13. The Jurassic World: We saw the new Jurassic Park. She said the Indominus Rex was “just a mother-in-law who hadn’t had her morning tea yet.”
14. The Tinder (Part 2): She looked at my wedding photo and tried to “swipe left” on the actual physical frame.
15. The Fitbit (Part 2): Her Fitbit says she’s in “Peak Performance.” I told her that’s just the adrenaline she gets from criticizing my driving.
16. The E-mail Thread: She’s started using “Read Receipts.” Now she calls me the second she sees I’ve opened her e-mail about “Proper Napkin Folding.”
17. The Garden: She told the hydrangeas they were “too blue for this neighborhood.”
18. The iPhone 6s: She loves the “Live Photos” feature. She says it’s the only way to capture the “exact micro-second my eyes roll during her stories.”
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can be used to reanimate ancient mummies.
20. The Sitcom: She says Empire is about her family, and I’m the “extra who doesn’t have any lines because he has nothing to say.”
21. The Cleaning: She brought a laser level to check if the plates in the cupboard were “spiritually aligned.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s started “reaction videos” to our wedding footage on YouTube. Her most popular video is “Watch Me Cry When He Says the Wrong Vows.”
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his mailbox was “excessively optimistic.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “judgmental sensors.” I told her she’s sitting on them.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Average price of a one-way ticket to Mars for an annoying relative.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too convenient.” She misses the days when you had to wait for disappointment to develop.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The History of Silence.” She returned it and said it was “too loud.”
28. The Mirror: She doesn’t use a mirror; she uses the reflection in my terrified eyes.
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more drive” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a cornfield.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Thumbs Up” emoji look like a dismissal.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a pineapple because it was “too prickly for a Monday.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2015 is “too digital.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 3. The son-in-law tried to explain ‘The Cloud.’ I told him he’s been living in one for years—a cloud of confusion.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a threat.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s technically a mountain range.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car was “an insult to the neighborhood’s aesthetic.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “You missed a spot.” He’s officially her apprentice.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2016 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Indie Rock.” She says it sounds like “people who are sad about having to pay for their own hair gel.”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the haptic vibration rights.