83 Jokes: The 1999 Millennium Bug Protocol

1999: The Party at the End of the World.
Welcome to the final year of the millennium. We are currently living in a simulation (The Matrix), hating our printers (Office Space), and withdrawing all our cash because we’re 95% sure the elevators will turn into guillotines at midnight on December 31st. Technology is at its peak: we have the Nokia 3210, Napster is letting us “borrow” music from the entire world, and the Dreamcast is proving that 128 bits is enough power to actually see a character’s eyelashes.

The 1999 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Matrix Realization: I took the red pill this morning. Turns out, the “Construct” looks exactly like my cubicle, but with slightly worse coffee and no Keanu Reeves.
2. Office Space Energy: I’ve spent my entire day “planning to plan.” If my boss asks, I’m working on the TPS reports. If the printer jams one more time, I’m taking it to a field with a baseball bat.
3. The Nokia 3210 Status: My phone fell down three flights of stairs, hit a concrete floor, and bounced into a puddle. I picked it up, and the only thing broken was the floor. My high score on Snake is still intact.
4. The Napster Struggle: I’ve been downloading “Smooth” by Santana for three days. I’m at 98%. If someone picks up the landline phone now, I am legally allowed to start a riot.
5. The Phantom Menace Hype: I waited in line for six weeks to see Jar Jar Binks. I’ve never felt more betrayed by a fictional amphibian in my entire life.
6. Y2K Anxiety: My dad just bought 50 gallons of water and a manual can opener. He’s convinced that on January 1st, the toaster is going to become sentient and demand a sacrifice.
7. The Blair Witch Effect: I spent $10 to watch a shaky camera in the woods for 90 minutes. I could have just gone to my backyard with a flashlight and a head cold for free.
8. The Sixth Sense Spoiler: I just found out Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. Now I’m looking at my coworkers and wondering if they’re also dead, or just really, really bored.
9. The Britney vs. Christina War: You have to choose a side. It’s the law. One wears pigtails, the other has a genie in a bottle. The future of pop music depends on your decision.
10. The “Party like it’s 1999” Irony: Prince was right. We are partying like it’s 1999, mostly because we’re terrified that in 2000, our bank accounts will reset to zero and we’ll have to trade Beanie Babies for bread.

The Full 1999 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the Y2K bug cross the road? Because it couldn’t figure out what century it was on the other side.
12. My hard drive is 10GB. I have reached the end of technology. There is physically nothing else left to store.
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
14. Why did the man bring a red pill and a blue pill to work? He wanted to see if the “breakroom” was actually a glitch in the Matrix.
15. I tried to explain “WiFi” to my roommate. He told me to stop making up words and help him untangle the 50-foot phone cord.
16. Why did the 1999 hacker cross the road? To find an unsecured port on the other side.
17. What’s the difference between a printer and a hostage situation? You can actually negotiate with a kidnapper.
18. I bought a “Silver” puffy jacket. I look like a baked potato, but I’m “Future-Ready.”
19. Why did the man put his Nokia in the safe? Because he heard it’s the only thing that will survive the apocalypse.
20. What do you call a group of people waiting for 12:00 AM? The “Last Seconds” Club.
21. Why did the skeleton go to the Fight Club premiere? Because he wanted to talk about it (Wait, rule #1!).
22. I asked Google what happens in 2000. It gave me a list of “404 Not Found.” That’s not comforting.
23. Why did the computer squeak? It was terrified of the “Millennium Bug.”
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he didn’t own a computer).
26. I saw a guy with a “Blackberry.” He’s checking emails on a tiny screen. He looks like he’s playing a very boring game of Tetris.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one (The final 90s iteration).
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was “two-tired” of the apocalypse rumors.
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing (and the American Pie kitchen scene).
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems (mostly Y2K date conversions).
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet (and watch Deep Space Nine).
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Total Request Live” audience member.
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
70. Why did the duck cross the road? To prove to the T-Rex it could be done.
71. What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
72. Why did the athlete bring a ladder? To reach the “high” jump.
73. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
74. Why did the computer nerd get sunburnt? He left his “Windows” open.
75. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa? A Claustrophobic.
76. Why did the ghost go to the party? Because he heard it was going to be “dead” fun.
77. Why was the 1999 calendar so popular? Because it was the last of its kind.
78. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell (Wait, 1999 version: An Apple iBook).
79. My bank account is like the Millennium Falcon—it looks like junk, but it’ll get me where I need to go if I don’t hit an asteroid.
80. Why did the student bring a spoon to the exam? He wanted to “stir” up some trouble.
81. 1999 Wisdom: If the lights go out at midnight, don’t panic. Just find your Game Boy and keep playing Pokemon Yellow.
82. If you see a cat walk past twice, it’s a glitch in the Matrix. Or you’re just at a crazy cat lady’s house.
83. Final 1999 Thought: See you in the future. If the computers let us.