69 Jokes: The 1998 Search Engine Protocol

1998: The Year We Started Googling Everything.
Welcome to the year when two guys in a garage launched a search engine called Google, making us realize that “Ask Jeeves” was just a butler with limited knowledge. It’s the year of the Big Lebowski (the rug really tied the room together), the debut of the iMac (the translucent blue egg), and the world collectively holding its breath as we realized Y2K was only two years away. 1998 is the peak of the “Information Superhighway” actually having a speed limit of 56kbps.

The 1998 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Google Launch: I tried this new “Google” thing. I searched for “happiness” and it gave me 4 million results in 0.2 seconds. I still haven’t clicked on any, but I feel much more informed about my lack of it.
2. The iMac Aesthetic: Apple released a computer that looks like a giant blue jellybean. It doesn’t have a floppy drive. How am I supposed to save my 40-word essay? Magic?
3. The Big Lebowski Philosophy: My boss told me I was being lazy. I told him, “The Dude abides.” He told me, “The Dude is fired.”
4. The Armageddon vs. Deep Impact: 1998 is the year Hollywood decided that the only way to save Earth is to send oil drillers into space. Because apparently, astronauts don’t know how to use a giant drill.
5. The Furby Menace: My Furby started speaking “Furbish” at 2 AM. I’m 90% sure it’s plotting a coup with my toaster.
6. The Britney Spears Debut: A girl in a school uniform just sang “…Baby One More Time.” I have a feeling the 2000s are going to be very loud and very choreographed.
7. The Clinton Scandal: I’ve spent the whole year learning more about the definition of the word “is” than I ever did in English class.
8. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: I haven’t seen the sun in three days. I’m too busy trying to figure out how to get a horse to jump over a fence in Hyrule.
9. The MP3 Revolution: I downloaded a song today. It took 4 hours and it sounds like a swarm of bees singing in a tunnel. The future of music is here!
10. The Y2K Panic: I saw a guy at the store buying 400 cans of beans. I asked him why, and he said, “The clocks, man… the clocks are going to kill us all.”

The Full 1998 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the search engine cross the road? To get to the “Other Side” (Top Result).
12. My computer has a 4GB hard drive. I am literally a digital hoarder. I will never, ever be able to fill this up.
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
14. Why did the man bring a rug to the Big Lebowski premiere? Because it really tied the theater together.
15. I tried to “Google” why my car won’t start. It told me I have “Internal Server Error.” I didn’t know my Honda had a server.
16. Why did the 1998 web designer cross the road? To fix the “Under Construction” GIF on the other side.
17. What’s the difference between a Furby and a nightmare? You can eventually take the batteries out of a Furby.
18. I bought a “Bondi Blue” iMac. It’s so pretty I almost forgot that I can’t play any of my games on it.
19. Why did the man put his pager in the trash? Because he just got a “Nokia 5110” and he’s currently playing Snake.
20. What do you call a group of people panicking about a calendar? A Y2K convention.
21. Why did the skeleton go to the Saving Private Ryan premiere? To find his “funny bone” (Too soon?).
22. I asked my modem to be quiet. It just screamed back in 56k.
23. Why did the computer squeak? Because it was trying to “Snake” its way through the motherboard.
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he didn’t fear the millennium bug).
26. I saw a guy with a “Discman” that has “10-second Anti-Skip.” He’s basically a god of stability.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was “two-tired” of waiting for Titanic to leave the theaters.
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems (mostly Y2K related).
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet (and hire Bruce Willis).
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Matrix leather coat” but my environment is “Suburban Ohio.”
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. 1998 Wisdom: If you can’t find it on Google, it probably doesn’t exist… or you just spelled it wrong.