79 Jokes: The 1995 Start Me Up Protocol

1995: The Year the Desktop Took Over.
Welcome to the year where Bill Gates spent millions on a Rolling Stones song just to tell us to “Start” our computers. It’s the year we realized toys have feelings (Toy Story), that “as if!” is a valid legal defense (Clueless), and that the Internet is finally a place where you can go to look at a picture of a cat for twenty minutes while your phone line is busy.

The 1990 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. Windows 95 Hype: I installed Windows 95 today. The “Start” button is great, but I’ve spent four hours “Starting” and I still haven’t finished a single task.
2. The Clueless Defense: I told my boss I’d have the report done by Friday. He asked why it wasn’t ready. I just looked at him and said, “Ugh, as if!” I’m currently looking for a new job.
3. Toy Story Reality: Ever since I saw Toy Story, I’ve been leaving my room very quickly and then peaking through the keyhole to see if my lamp is talking to my stapler.
4. The eBay Birth: Someone started a website where you can sell your broken laser pointer to a stranger in another state. Finally, a way to turn my trash into someone else’s shipping problem.
5. Coolio’s Paradise: I spent the whole year living in a “Gangsta’s Paradise,” which mostly involves wearing baggy pants and being slightly intimidated by my own shadow.
6. The DVD Reveal: They announced a new disc that can hold a whole movie without needing to be flipped over. I’ll believe it when I see it; my VHS player and I have a committed relationship.
7. Braveheart Vibes: I walked into the office with blue face paint and screamed “Freedom!” My manager reminded me that I still have thirty years left on my mortgage.
8. The Macarena Fever: It’s official. You can’t go to a wedding, a birthday, or a funeral without ten people doing the exact same arm movements. We are a hive mind now.
9. The Starbucks Explosion: Suddenly, there is a coffee shop on every corner. I asked for a “tall” coffee and they gave me a small one. 1995 is the year English died.
10. The Alanis Morissette Irony: Isn’t it ironic? I bought a CD about irony, and the only irony is that none of the situations in the songs are actually ironic.

The Full 1995 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “Windows” pane.
12. My hard drive is 500MB. I’m basically a god. I could host the entire library of Alexandria and still have room for a pixelated photo of a pizza.
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
14. Why did the man bring a ladder to the Windows 95 launch? He heard the software was “high-end.”
15. I tried to use a “Java” programming joke, but it didn’t have enough “grounds.”
16. Why did the 1995 businessman cross the road? To get better reception on his brick-sized Motorola.
17. What’s the difference between a computer and a piece of chocolate? A computer has “chips” but you can’t eat them when the system crashes.
18. I bought a “Wonderbra.” I don’t even have breasts, but I figured in 1995, anything is possible if you believe the commercials.
19. Why did the man put his pager in the freezer? He wanted a “cool” page.
20. What do you call a group of toys that tell jokes? A “Funny Story.”
21. Why did the skeleton go to the GoldenEye premiere? He wanted to see a “bone-afide” secret agent.
22. I asked my fax machine if it liked the new Internet. It just made a screeching sound that lasted for three minutes. I’ll take that as a “no.”
23. Why did the computer squeak? Because it was trying to “click” with the mouse.
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he wasn’t replaced by a CGI version).
26. I tried “Zima” again. It still tastes like water that’s trying too hard to be popular.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one (Traditional 90s humor).
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was “two-tired” of waiting for the images to load on Netscape.
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing (and the Seven ending).
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems (mostly about how many AOL minutes I have left).
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Cyber-punk” but my hardware is “Pre-historic.”
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
70. Why did the duck cross the road? To prove to the T-Rex it could be done.
71. What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
72. Why did the 1995 athlete bring a ladder to the Olympics? He wanted to reach the “high” jump.
73. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
74. Why did the computer nerd get sunburnt? He left his “Windows” open.
75. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa? A Claustrophobic.
76. Why did the ghost go to the party? Because he heard it was going to be “dead” fun.
77. Why was the 1995 calendar so popular? Because it had a lot of dates.
78. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell (Wait, 1995 version: A Gateway).
79. Final 1995 Thought: If you didn’t spend at least an hour today choosing a “Screen Saver,” did you even use a computer?