82 Jokes: The 1997 Unsinkable Protocol

1997: The Year of the King of the World and the Men in Black.
Welcome to the year where we all learned that there was definitely enough room for Jack on that door, and that if you see a flash of light, you probably just forgot the last ten minutes of your life. It’s the year of the Titanic taking over the box office, the tragic loss of Princess Diana, and the debut of the Harry Potter books in the UK. On the tech front, Deep Blue finally beat Garry Kasparov, proving that computers are officially smarter than us—unless they’re trying to connect to AOL.

The 1990 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Titanic Debate: I’ve spent more time this year arguing that Rose could have shifted six inches to the left to save Jack than I have on my actual job. It wasn’t a tragedy; it was a lack of spatial awareness.
2. Men in Black Logic: I saw a bright flash in the sky last night. I didn’t report it; I just assumed Will Smith wanted me to forget that I accidentally ate an entire bag of chips before dinner.
3. The Spice World Takeover: The Spice Girls movie came out. It’s the only film where the plot is thinner than the platform shoes, and yet, I’ve seen it twice.
4. The Deep Blue Victory: A computer beat the world chess champion. Great. Now I’m not just losing to my boss; I’m losing to a gray box that doesn’t even enjoy a victory coffee.
5. The Teletubbies Invasion: There are four colorful aliens on TV with screens in their stomachs and a sun that is a baby’s head. I think 1997 is just one big collective fever dream.
6. The Verve Reality: Life is a “Bittersweet Symphony.” You spend all day trying to make ends meet, and then a guy in a suit sues you for walking down the street too confidently.
7. The South Park Debut: My parents think it’s the end of morality. I think it’s the first time a cartoon character has actually spoken like my friends at recess.
8. The DVD Transition: I bought my first DVD player. No more rewinding! I feel like I’ve traveled forward in time, but I still have 400 VHS tapes that I’m too emotionally attached to throw away.
9. The Harry Potter Spark: A book about a boy wizard just came out. It’ll probably be a nice little niche story for kids who like owls. Nothing major.
10. The “Celine Dion” Earworm: If I hear “My Heart Will Go On” one more time, I’m going to personally hunt down every flute player in the northern hemisphere.

The Full 1997 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the Titanic survivor cross the road? To get to the other “side” of the iceberg.
12. My computer’s processor is now 200MHz. I’m pretty sure I can now calculate the meaning of life, or at least play Diablo without it lagging for five minutes.
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
14. Why did the man bring a life jacket to the Titanic premiere? He didn’t want to get “carried away” by the emotions.
15. I tried to use a “Neuralyzer” on my wife after I forgot our anniversary. Now she just thinks I’m a weirdo holding a silver pen.
16. Why did the 1997 intern cross the road? To get a latte for a boss who is still using a typewriter.
17. What’s the difference between a computer and a piece of ice? One melts under pressure, the other just displays a “Blue Screen of Death.”
18. I bought a “Furby.” It’s currently in my closet because it started talking at 3 AM in a language that sounds like it’s summoning a demon.
19. Why did the man put his pager in the bathtub? He wanted to have a “fluid” conversation.
20. What do you call a group of people waiting for a website to load? A “Buffering” party.
21. Why did the skeleton go to the Men in Black screening? To see some “No-body” aliens.
22. I asked AltaVista a question today. It gave me 4 million results, and not one of them was the answer I needed. The future is weird.
23. Why did the computer squeak? Because the “cache” was full of old cheese.
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he didn’t get a haircut like the Hanson brothers).
26. I saw a guy with a “Digital Camera.” It holds 10 photos and takes 30 seconds to save one. Truly, we are at the peak of human convenience.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one (1997: Tiger Woods is making this joke relevant again).
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was “two-tired” of hearing “Tubthumping” on the radio.
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing (or the Austin Powers outfit).
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems (mostly calculating the interest on my credit card after buying a PlayStation).
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet (and make sure there are no Facehuggers).
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Men in Black” but my budget is “Men in Beige.”
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
70. Why did the duck cross the road? To prove to the T-Rex it could be done.
71. What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
72. Why did the athlete bring a ladder? To reach the “high” jump.
73. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
74. Why did the computer nerd get sunburnt? He left his “Windows” open.
75. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa? A Claustrophobic.
76. Why did the ghost go to the party? Because he heard it was going to be “dead” fun.
77. Why was the 1997 calendar so popular? Because it had a lot of “dates” (and zero Y2K bugs yet).
78. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell (Wait, 1997 version: A Compaq).
79. My bank account is like the Titanic—it looked great at the start, but then it hit an “unexpected expense” and now it’s at the bottom of the ocean.
80. Why did the student bring a spoon to the exam? He wanted to “stir” up some trouble.
81. 1997 Wisdom: If the boat is sinking and there’s a door, just push the guy off. You’ll thank me later.
82. Final 1997 Thought: I’ll never let go, Jack… but I will let go of this dial-up connection because it’s costing me $2.00 an hour.