77 Jokes: The 1994 Pulp Fiction Protocol

1994: The Year of the Royale with Cheese and the Box of Chocolates.
Welcome to the year where we learned that “Life is like a box of chocolates” and that a “Royale with Cheese” is how they call a Quarter Pounder in Paris. It’s the year Jim Carrey owned the box office with three massive hits, The Lion King broke our hearts, and a little show called Friends started, making everyone think they could afford a massive Manhattan apartment by working part-time in a coffee shop. Technology-wise, we just got the PlayStation, and Netscape Navigator is finally letting us “surf” the web without a surfboard.

The 1990 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Pulp Fiction Effect: I spent twenty minutes explaining to my grandma what a “Royale with Cheese” is. She just looked at me and said, “In my day, we called that a heart attack with a side of fries.”
2. The Forrest Gump Philosophy: Life is like a box of chocolates—mostly full of those weird coconut ones that nobody actually wants but you eat anyway because you’re bored.
3. The Lion King Trauma: I’m still not over Mufasa. I tried to explain the “Circle of Life” to my cat, and he just bit me. I guess the circle is complete.
4. The Friends Reality Check: I’ve been sitting in this coffee shop for four hours waiting for my quirky group of attractive friends to arrive. So far, it’s just me and a guy named “Murph” who is talking to his muffin.
5. The Jim Carrey Takeover: I tried to do The Mask impression at a wedding. “Smokin’!” I yelled. They thought I was pointing out a kitchen fire. We had to evacuate.
6. The PlayStation Arrival: I told my dad the new console has “3D graphics.” He looked at the TV and said, “It still looks like a bunch of triangles trying to have a fight.”
7. The O.J. Simpson Bronco Chase: 1994 is the year we all learned that the most exciting thing on TV is a white car driving very slowly down a highway for several hours.
8. The Woodstock ’94 Disaster: It’s like the original Woodstock, but with more mud, more corporate sponsors, and everyone wondering where they parked their minivans.
9. The “Web” Navigator: I installed Netscape. It took 10 minutes to load a picture of a sunset. I could have driven to the actual beach and seen the real sunset faster.
10. The Ace Ventura Vibe: I started talking out of my rear end like Jim Carrey. My boss didn’t find it funny. Apparently, “Alrighty then!” is not a valid excuse for missing the quarterly targets.

The Full 1994 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? To get to the Pulp Fiction screening—he heard the dialogue was prehistoric.
12. My computer has 8MB of RAM now. I feel like I can literally see into the future (or at least open two files at once).
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer (Still a 90s staple).
14. Why did the man go to the Forrest Gump premiere? He wanted to run… for a seat.
15. I tried to use a “Royale with Cheese” pickup line at a bar. The girl told me she was a vegetarian and that I had “Big Kahuna Burger” energy.
16. Why did the 1994 software go to the doctor? It had a “cache” flow problem.
17. What’s the difference between a coffee shop and the set of Friends? In a real coffee shop, people actually leave.
18. I bought a flannel shirt to look “Grunge,” but I accidentally bought it at the Gap, so now I just look like a very organized lumberjack.
19. Why did the man put his pager in the blender? He wanted to hear some “mixed signals.”
20. What do you call a group of lions watching a movie? A “Pride” of Cinema.
21. Why did the skeleton go to the rave? He heard the beat was “bone-shaking.”
22. I asked my fax machine if it liked The Mask. It just spat out a piece of paper that said “P-P-P-Party!” (or maybe it was just jammed).
23. Why did the computer squeak? Because it was trying to “mouse” around the World Wide Web.
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he didn’t get a haircut like Jennifer Aniston).
26. I tried “Crystal Pepsi” again. It still tastes like disappointment wrapped in a clear lie.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one (Still here, still classic).
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired of hearing about the “Information Superhighway.”
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing (and the “Seven” trailer).
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems (mostly related to calculating O.J.’s speed).
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Pulp Fiction suit” but on a “Gas Station attendant” budget.
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
70. Why did the duck cross the road? To prove to the T-Rex it could be done.
71. What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
72. Why did the 1994 athlete bring a ladder to the Olympics? He wanted to reach the “high” jump.
73. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
74. Why did the computer nerd get sunburnt? He left his “Windows” open.
75. 1994 Wisdom: If a guy in a suit asks you about a briefcase, don’t ask what’s inside. It’s probably just a glowing lightbulb.
76. Forrest Gump’s secret: He didn’t actually like running; he was just trying to find a bathroom with a shorter line.
77. Final 1994 Thought: “Stupid is as stupid does,” which explains why I just bought another pair of LA Gear Light-up sneakers.