61 Jokes: The 1991 Reality Patch

1991: The Year the World Changed Channels.
We’ve officially hit the year where flannel becomes a fashion statement, the USSR hits “Unsubscribe,” and the T-1000 makes us all terrified of silver paint. It’s the year of Nevermind, Terminator 2, and the final realization that “The Fresh Prince” might actually be the coolest guy on TV. Technology is still a loud, beeping box in the corner, and “Global Positioning” is just asking a gas station attendant for a map.

The 1991 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Grunge Paradox: I bought a brand new pair of jeans today, then spent three hours sandpapering the knees so people would think I’m “authentic” and “distraught.”
2. The T-1000 Panic: I saw my mom cleaning the kitchen with a silver spray bottle and I immediately jumped out the window. You can’t be too careful these days.
3. The Super Nintendo War: My friend got a SNES and I still have a Sega Genesis. Our friendship is officially over; we are now legally required to fight in the streets over “Blast Processing.”
4. The Silence of the Lambs: I tried to order a “nice Chianti” at the Sizzler. The waitress just gave me a Diet Coke and asked if I wanted the salad bar.
5. The Soviet Union Breakup: Russia is like that one band that breaks up and suddenly everyone has a solo project. “I’m not in the USSR anymore, I’m Uzbekistan—check out my new demo!”
6. The Pager Evolution: I got a new pager that shows the actual phone number instead of just a code. I feel like I’m living in Star Trek, except I still have to find a quarter to call anyone back.
7. Beauty and the Beast: Disney made a movie about a girl with Stockholm Syndrome and a library. It’s the most relatable thing I’ve seen all year.
8. The Bryan Adams Curse: If I hear “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You” one more time, I’m going to start doing things specifically not for you.
9. The Car Phone Struggle: My dad’s car phone is so heavy it lowered the gas mileage of his Buick by five miles per gallon. It’s not a phone; it’s a localized anchor.
10. The Freddie Mercury Legacy: We lost a legend, but we gained the realization that nobody—absolutely nobody—will ever look that good in a yellow jacket again.

The Full 1991 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the grunge musician cross the road? It doesn’t matter, man… nothing matters.
12. My computer’s hard drive is 40MB. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill that much space in my entire lifetime.
13. Why was the 1991 calendar so stressed? Because its days were numbered.
14. What do you call a Terminator who just retired? An Ex-terminator.
15. I asked a girl for her number at the mall. She gave me her “Home,” “Work,” and “Car” numbers. I need a dedicated filing cabinet just to go on a date.
16. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school in 1991? Because he wanted to go to high school.
17. I tried to explain the “Internet” to my grandpa. He thought I was talking about a new type of fishing equipment.
18. What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? “Look Ma, no hands!”
19. My favorite 1991 hobby is rewinding VHS tapes for 10 minutes just to see the last 2 minutes of a show I missed.
20. Why don’t skeletons watch The Addams Family? They don’t have the stomach for it.
21. Why did the businessman carry a briefcase to the beach? He was doing “shore” business.
22. What’s the difference between a 1991 PC and a rock? The rock doesn’t take 5 minutes to boot up.
23. Why did the golfer wear two shirts? In case he got a “hole in one” (still a classic, still hurts).
24. I saw a commercial for a “Palm Pilot.” Finally, a computer for people who want to look like they’re checking their pulse constantly.
25. Why did the CD player break up with the Cassette deck? Because she found him too “reeling.”
26. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the “Fresh” prints.
27. Why did the chicken join a grunge band? To get to the “Other Side” (of the mosh pit).
28. My mom thinks “The Simpsons” is the downfall of Western Civilization. I think it’s just the only family on TV that’s honest about eating donuts.
29. What do you call a dinosaur with a wide range of vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
30. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.
31. I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention, let alone pay for a long-distance call.
32. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
33. Why did the 1991 software go to therapy? It had too many “internal conflicts.”
34. My hair is so big right now that I’m responsible for 40% of the hole in the ozone layer.
35. What do you call a cold computer? A Dell (Wait, no—1991 version: An AC-er).
36. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
37. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
38. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize? Because he was out-standing in his field (1991 edition: and he wore a flannel shirt).
39. What do you call a fish with a tie? Sophist-fished.
40. Why did the picture go to the police? Because it was “framed” during a riot.
41. Office life: Our printer is so loud it sounds like a machine gun firing in slow motion.
42. Why did the computer squeak? Because someone forgot to grease the mouse.
43. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
44. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
45. I’m currently saving up for a “Discman” so I can walk 5 feet and have the music skip every time my heel touches the ground.
46. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing (and the price of gas).
47. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
48. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
49. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
50. Why did the bike fall over? Because it was “two-tired” of the recession.
51. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
52. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
53. My fashion sense is “Lazy Lumberjack,” which is very trendy this year.
54. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
55. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the stadium get hot? All the fans left after the half-time show.
61. 1991 Wisdom: If you don’t have a “Hypercolor” shirt that changes color when you sweat, are you even living?