71 Jokes: The 1993 Genetic Park Protocol

1993: The Year Life Found a Way.
Welcome to the year when Steven Spielberg convinced us that bringing back dinosaurs was a great idea (until the fence went down), Whitney Houston’s high note in “I Will Always Love You” stayed on the radio for what felt like three decades, and Doom taught us that a chainsaw is a valid IT troubleshooting tool. Technology is evolving—we now have the Pentium processor, which is fast enough to make us realize how slowly we actually type.

The 1993 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. Jurassic Park Logic: I spent $8.00 at the cinema to watch a lawyer get eaten by a T-Rex while sitting on a toilet. Honestly, it’s the most satisfying legal fee I’ve ever paid.
2. The Meat Loaf Mystery: He said he would do “Anything for Love,” but he “Won’t Do That.” I’ve spent the whole year trying to figure out what “That” is. Is it the dishes? I bet it’s the dishes.
3. The Pentium Power: I got a computer with a Pentium chip. It’s so fast that I can now get a “System Error” message in half the time it used to take.
4. Mrs. Doubtfire Realization: Robin Williams taught me that if you want to see your kids, you don’t need a lawyer—you just need a wig, a prosthetic face, and a very convincing British accent.
5. The Beavis and Butt-head Effect: I said “Huh-huh” to my boss today. He didn’t find it cool. Apparently, “fire” is something you get from your job, not just something you watch on TV.
6. The Beanie Baby Fever: My aunt told me these stuffed beans will pay for my college education. I’m currently holding a purple bear and wondering if Harvard accepts plushies as tuition.
7. The X-Files Vibe: I want to believe. Mostly, I want to believe that my dial-up connection will finish downloading this one grainy photo of a “UFO” before I turn 40.
8. Got Milk?: The most successful ad campaign of the year is just a question about a beverage. I tried it at a bar. The bartender did not give me a free cow.
9. Sleepless in Seattle: This movie proves that if you’re Tom Hanks, stalking is just “destiny,” but if you’re anyone else, it’s a restraining order.
10. The Macarena (Early Warning): A song just came out in Spain. It involves a specific dance. I have a feeling this is going to be the soundtrack to every wedding nightmare for the next ten years.

The Full 1993 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the T-Rex cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet to show him how it’s done.
12. My new pager has a “silent” mode. Finally, I can be ignored by my friends without the annoying beeping sound.
13. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus (Still extinct, still wordy).
14. Why don’t dinosaurs ever forget? Because they never had a 1993 PC to crash on them.
15. I tried to play Doom at work. My boss said I was wasting time; I told him I was performing a “security audit” on the basement demons.
16. Why did the 1993 laptop go to the gym? It wanted to become a “notebook.”
17. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a T-Rex? One is a cold-blooded prehistoric scavenger, and the other is a dinosaur.
18. I bought a “Starter” jacket. I’m still waiting for the rest of the outfit to arrive so I can actually start something.
19. Why did the man put his 3.5-inch floppy disk in the fridge? He wanted to save his “cool” files.
20. What do you call a group of rappers in a circle? A “Coolio.”
21. Why did the skeleton go to the Jurassic Park premiere? He wanted to see if he had any famous relatives.
22. I asked my crush out via a “pager code.” I sent “143.” She sent back a signal for help. I think I’m in trouble.
23. Why did the computer squeak? Because someone left a “cookie” in the drive.
24. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he didn’t get eaten by raptors).
26. I saw a commercial for “Zima.” It tastes like someone tried to describe a lemon to a glass of water from across the street.
27. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one (The joke that refuses to die, much like the dinosaurs).
28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
29. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired of the early 90s recession.
30. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain.
31. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing (or the Indecent Proposal poster).
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
33. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
34. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
35. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
36. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
37. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
38. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
39. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
40. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
42. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
43. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
44. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
45. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
47. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
48. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
49. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
50. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
51. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
52. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
53. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
54. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a “hard drive” problem.
55. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
56. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
57. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
58. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
59. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
60. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
61. My fashion sense is “Grunge Lumberjack,” even though I’ve never seen a forest.
62. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
63. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
64. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
65. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
66. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
67. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
68. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
70. 1993 Wisdom: Don’t enter a kitchen if there are velociraptors nearby.
71. Final 1993 Thought: “I’ll be back”… wait, wrong movie. “Must go faster!”