74 Jokes: The 1992 Dream Team Protocol

1992: The Year of the “Schwing!” and the Slam Dunk.
Welcome to the year where the “Dream Team” made basketball look like a video game, Wayne and Garth taught us how to headbang in a Pacer, and we all collectively realized that a “Bill Clinton” might actually be the next President. Technology is giving us Wolfenstein 3D, the first SMS is sent (and ignored), and everyone is trying to figure out if they’re a “Gen X-er” or just a person in a very baggy sweater.

The 1992 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. Wayne’s World Wisdom: I said “No way!” to my boss today. He said “Way!” We spent thirty minutes arguing until we both realized we were just quoting a movie and neither of us was getting a raise.
2. The Dream Team Effect: Watching the 1992 Olympic basketball team is like watching a group of professional chefs compete against a toddler with a plastic spatula. It’s not a game; it’s a public service announcement.
3. The “I Didn’t Inhale” Defense: I tried using Bill Clinton’s excuse when my wife found my hidden stash of Oreos. “I didn’t swallow, I just held them in my mouth for the flavor.” It didn’t work.
4. The C+C Music Factory: Everybody dance now! No, seriously. If you don’t dance, the 90s police will come and take away your neon windbreaker.
5. The Euro Disney Disaster: They opened a Disneyland in Paris. Apparently, the French are confused as to why Mickey Mouse doesn’t smoke or wear a beret.
6. The SMS Revolution: Someone sent the first “Text Message” this year. It said “Merry Christmas.” It took 45 minutes to type and the receiver had to carry a briefcase to read it.
7. Sir Mix-A-Lot Logic: I like big books and I cannot lie. You other nerds can’t deny. When a librarian walks in with an itchy skin and a hardback in your face, you get… well, you get a library card.
8. The Barney Factor: There’s a purple dinosaur on TV telling me he loves me. I don’t trust him. No one is that happy without a serious caffeine addiction.
9. The Basic Instinct Moment: I tried the Sharon Stone leg-cross in my office meeting. I’m a 45-year-old man named Gary. I am now talking to Human Resources.
10. The Sinead O’Connor Protest: I accidentally ripped a photo of my grocery list on Saturday Night Live. Nobody cared, but I felt very “alternative.”

The Full 1992 Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the grunge fan cross the road? To see if the other side was more “unplugged.”
12. My computer now has a 120MB hard drive. I’m basically NASA. I could store the entire history of the world and still have room for Minesweeper.
13. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
14. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.
15. Why did the 1992 politician cross the road? To get to the middle of the swing state.
16. I bought a “Super Soaker 50.” I am now the most powerful person in a three-block radius.
17. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
18. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
19. My new hobby is looking for the “Hidden Image” in those Magic Eye posters. So far, all I’ve seen is a headache and a blurry wall.
20. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
21. What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.
22. Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? To get some spare ribs.
23. I asked my fax machine for a joke. it just stared at me and made a screeching sound. Classic humor.
24. Why did the student eat his pencil? Because his teacher said it was #2.
25. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.
26. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
27. Why did the computer go to the dentist? Because it had Bluetooth. (Wait, too early! 1992 version: Because it had a “byte” problem).
28. My pager went off during a wedding. It wasn’t a doctor; it was my pizza delivery guy checking if I was still hungry.
29. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish (tunafish).
30. Why did the broom miss the meeting? It swept in.
31. Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because his mother was in a jam.
32. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
33. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field (and he was wearing a flannel shirt over his straw).
34. I tried to explain “Windows 3.1” to my cat. He seemed more interested in the mouse.
35. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
36. Why did the math book go to the doctor? It had too many problems.
37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
38. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
39. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
40. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
41. What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
42. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
43. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
44. Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two-tired.
45. What do you call a snowman with a tan? A puddle.
46. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
47. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
48. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
49. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
50. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
51. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
52. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
53. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
54. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
55. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
56. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
57. Why did the student throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
58. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
59. Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To body-pop.
60. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
61. What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
62. Why did the computer squeak? Because someone forgot to grease the mouse.
63. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
64. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
65. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
66. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
67. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
68. Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep.
69. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
70. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
71. My fashion sense is “Lazy Lumberjack,” which is very trendy this year.
72. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
73. 1992 Wisdom: If you don’t have a “Hypercolor” shirt that changes color when you sweat, are you even living?
74. Final 1992 Thought: “Party on, Wayne!” “Party on, Garth!”