79 Observational One-Liners: The 2016 Reality Shift

Step into 2016 – the year of the Pokémon GO phenomenon, the launch of TikTok (as Douyin), and the moment we all realized that a gorilla named Harambe would become a permanent internet martyr. It was the era of the Mannequin Challenge and the summer when we all walked into traffic trying to catch a virtual Pikachu. Here is the observational archive of 2016.

The 2016 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Pokémon GO Exodus: I just saw three hundred people sprinting through a public park at midnight because a virtual Charizard appeared near a fountain. 2016 is the year we finally got exercise, but only because a Japanese video game told us to.
2. The Bottle Flip Obsession: I just spent two hours trying to land a half-full plastic bottle upright on a table. I’ve never felt more like a failure and a champion at the same time.
3. The Deadpool Fourth Wall: A superhero who knows he’s in a movie and spends the whole time making fun of the studio’s budget. Finally, a hero who represents my level of sarcasm.
4. The Mannequin Challenge: I just stood perfectly still in a coffee shop for three minutes while “Black Beatles” played in the background. 2016 is the year we decided that pretending to be statues is a valid form of entertainment.
5. The Stranger Things Nostalgia: I just watched eight hours of kids on bikes fighting monsters in the 80s, and now I’m convinced that my suburban childhood was incredibly boring.
6. The Harambe Legacy: A gorilla became the biggest meme on the planet, and now I can’t look at a zoo without thinking about internet justice.
7. The iPhone 7 Headphone Jack: Apple just told me that removing the hole for my headphones is “courage.” I call it “I just lost my expensive dongle for the third time this week.”
8. The Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar: He finally got the gold statue! Now we have to find a new celebrity to feel sorry for every February.
9. The Suicide Squad Hype: I spent six months looking at posters of Harley Quinn, and then two hours wondering why the Joker was only in the movie for ten minutes.
10. The “Work” Lyrics: Rihanna is just saying “work-work-work-work-work” and I’m just “der-der-der-der-der” because I have no idea what the rest of the words are.

The Full 2016 Archive (Extended List)

11. The La La Land Ending: I went in for a happy musical and came out questioning every career and romantic choice I’ve ever made.
12. The “Closer” The Chainsmokers: This song is the official anthem of every 2016 road trip in a car you can’t afford.
13. The Arrival Linguistics: A movie that made me realize that talking to aliens is mostly just about drawing circles on a glass wall.
14. The “One Dance” Drake: Drake is the king of the “tropical-house” vibe that is currently playing in every elevator in the world.
15. The Rogue One Hallway Scene: Darth Vader just reminded everyone why he’s the boss. I haven’t been that scared of a breathing sound since my dad found my report card.
16. The “Cheap Thrills” Sia: I don’t need dollar bills to have fun tonight, but they definitely help when I’m trying to pay for this overpriced avocado toast.
17. The Moana Soundtrack: Lin-Manuel Miranda has officially taken over my brain. I’m currently singing about “How Far I’ll Go” while walking to the fridge.
18. The “Starboy” Weekend: He cut his hair, got a neon cross, and started hanging out with Daft Punk. 2016 is a very “intergalactic” year.
19. The Captain America: Civil War: Choosing between Iron Man and Cap is harder than choosing which Netflix show to watch on a Friday night.
20. The “Panda” Desiigner: I have broads in Atlanta. Well, I have a cousin in Atlanta, but the song makes me feel much cooler.
21. The Zootopia Sloth: I’ve never seen a more accurate representation of the DMV in my entire life.
22. The “Heathens” Twenty One Pilots: All my friends are heathens, take it slow. 2016 is the peak of the “Suicide Squad” aesthetic.
23. The Finding Dory Memory: I waited thirteen years to find out where Dory came from, and I’ve already forgotten what I was doing ten minutes ago.
24. The “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”: Justin Timberlake just released the “Happy” of 2016. It’s everywhere. Resistance is futile.
25. The Doctor Strange Visuals: It’s like Inception but with more capes and a very confused Benedict Cumberbatch.
26. The “7 Years” Lukas Graham: He’s eleven, then he’s twenty, then he’s sixty. 2016 is a very sentimental year for age-based storytelling.
27. The Sing Movie: Animals singing pop songs. 2016 is the year we realized we’ll watch literally anything if it has a catchy chorus.
28. The “Cold Water”: Major Lazer, Justin Bieber, and MØ. The official sound of every pool party where nobody actually swims.
29. The Hell or High Water Grit: A movie that made me want to rob a bank in Texas, but I’d probably just get a parking ticket.
30. The “Don’t Let Me Down”: The Chainsmokers are the official managers of the 2016 radio.
31. The Fantastic Beasts Suitcase: Eddie Redmayne has a zoo in his luggage. I can barely fit my gym clothes in mine.
32. The “Side to Side” Ariana: She’s on an exercise bike and she’s been there for four months. 2016 is a very “athletic” pop year.
33. The Sully Landing: Tom Hanks landed a plane in a river. Again. He is the only person I want flying my plane.
34. The “I Took a Pill in Ibiza”: Mike Posner made a depressing acoustic song into a club hit. 2016 irony at its best.
35. The Secret Life of Pets: My dog probably doesn’t have an adventure while I’m at work; he probably just sleeps on my pillow and farts.
36. The “Work from Home” (Still): Fifth Harmony is still in the construction site. 2016 is the year of the “hammer-based” dance move.
37. The Jackie Kennedy Style: Natalie Portman made me realize that being a First Lady is 90% grace and 100% pink suits.
38. The “Treat You Better”: Shawn Mendes is very concerned about your current boyfriend. He’s the “nice guy” of 2016.
39. The Hidden Figures Genius: A movie that proved that NASA was built on math and the brilliance of women the history books forgot.
40. The “This Is What You Came For”: Calvin Harris and Rihanna. 2016 is the peak of “laser-light” EDM.
41. The Hacksaw Ridge Bravery: Andrew Garfield went to war without a gun. I won’t go to the bathroom without my phone.
42. The “Scars to Your Beautiful”: Alessia Cara is here to tell us we’re perfect. 2016 is a very “self-love” year.
43. The Split Twist: M. Night Shyamalan is back! I didn’t see that ending coming, and now I need to re-watch a movie from 2000.
44. The “Black Beatles” Rae Sremmurd: The official song of every video where nobody is moving.
45. The Ghostbusters Reboot: Everyone on the internet is fighting about it, and I’m just here for the giant marshmallow man.
46. The “24K Magic” Bruno Mars: He’s back with a silk shirt and a lot of gold. 2016 is the year of “90s Funk” revival.
47. The Don’t Breathe Tension: I’ve never been so afraid of a blind man and a silent house in my life.
48. The “Hymn for the Weekend”: Beyoncé and Coldplay in India. It’s a very colorful and confusing collaboration.
49. The Central Intelligence Duo: Kevin Hart and The Rock. It’s the “Big and Small” comedy formula, and it still works.
50. The “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)”: Adele is done with you. She’s wearing a floral dress and she’s moving on.
51. The Lights Out Shadow: I’m never turning the lights off again. Every shadow is now a monster.
52. The “Love Yourself” Bieber: His mom doesn’t like you, and she likes everyone. 2016 is a very savage year for Justin.
53. The Mechanic: Resurrection: Jason Statham is still hitting people. It’s the most consistent thing in my life.
54. The “My House” Flo Rida: Welcome to his house. You don’t need a key to get in, but you probably need a drink.
55. The Nerve Game: A movie that made me realize that internet dares are a great way to end up in a neon-lit nightmare.
56. The “Controlla” Drake: More tropical vibes. Drake is the official travel agent of 2016.
57. The Bridget Jones’s Baby: She’s back, she’s pregnant, and she’s still a disaster. I’ve never felt so seen.
58. The “Sucker for Pain”: Every rapper in 2016 is on this track. It’s the “Avengers” of depressing hip-hop.
59. The Warcraft CGI: Orcs with feelings. 2016 is the year video game movies finally got a budget.
60. The “Just Like Fire” P!nk: She’s swinging from things again. P!nk is the most athletic person in pop music.
61. The X-Men: Apocalypse: Oscar Isaac is a blue god. I’m just a guy in a hoodie.
62. The “Cake by the Ocean”: DNCE. I still don’t know if they’re eating actual cake or if it’s a metaphor, but the bassline is 10/10.
63. The Batman v Superman Martha: One name changed everything. I’m naming all my future friends “Martha” just to be safe.
64. The “Starving” Hailee Steinfeld: She’s starving for you. 2016 is a very hungry year for pop stars.
65. The Jungle Book CGI: Everything is fake except the boy. My brain can’t handle how real the tiger looks.
66. The “Sit Still, Look Pretty”: Daya is not going to be a puppet. 2016 is the year of the “Independent Girl” anthem.
67. The 10 Cloverfield Lane: John Goodman is terrifying. I’m never going into a bunker with a stranger.
68. The “Let Me Love You”: DJ Snake and Justin Bieber. 2016 is the year of the “EDM-Bieber” era.
69. The Sausage Party Horror: I’ll never look at a hot dog or a bun the same way again. It’s a grocery store massacre.
70. The “Gold” Kiiara: I still don’t know what she’s saying in the chorus, but it sounds like a glitchy masterpiece.
71. The 2016 AirPods: They look like electric toothbrush heads in my ears. I’m 100% sure I’m going to lose them in a drain tomorrow.
72. The 2016 Samsung Galaxy Note 7: My phone is currently a fire hazard. I’m not allowed to take it on a plane or near flammable curtains.
73. The 2016 Instagram Stories: Snapchat is officially shaking. We can now do “z-list” reality TV directly on our profiles.
74. The 2016 Facebook Live: Everyone is a broadcaster now. I just watched a guy eat a large pizza for 40 minutes.
75. The 2016 Dyson Supersonic: A hair dryer that costs $400. 2016 is the peak of “over-engineering my morning routine.”
76. The 2016 Nintendo NES Classic: I just paid $60 for a tiny box that plays 30 games I already own on 5 other devices. Nostalgia is a drug.
77. The 2016 Uber Eats Boom: I’m now paying someone to bring me a single taco from a place two blocks away.
78. The 2016 Clowns: Remember when there were scary clowns in the woods for a month? 2016 was a fever dream.
79. The 2016 Optimism: We’ve got Pokémon, we’ve got Deadpool, and we’ve got AirPods. Surely 2017 will be a calm, quiet year of progress.