65 Observational One-Liners: The 2013 Viral Vortex

Step into 2013 – the year of the Frozen takeover, the launch of Vine, and the moment we all realized that a yellow foam finger could be a controversial prop. It was the era of the Harlem Shake in every office and the summer when Grand Theft Auto V became more profitable than most small countries. Here is the observational archive of 2013.

The 2013 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Let It Go Echo: I just spent six months trying to “let it go,” but my brain refuses to release this melody. I’m currently being held hostage by a snow queen and a talking snowman.
2. The Vine 6-Second Attention Span: I just watched a man drop a watermelon, a girl scream at a duck, and someone fail a backflip. My brain can no longer process anything longer than a sneeze.
3. The Miley VMA Shock: I’ve never seen a foam finger used that way. I think 2013 is the year we officially lost our collective innocence and our sense of “appropriate dancing.”
4. The Harlem Shake Office Crisis: Every Friday for a month, someone in the marketing department put on a motorcycle helmet and started vibrating. 2013 was a weird time for corporate team building.
5. The GTA V Reality: I just spent $60 to play a game where I can drive a car, go to the gym, and play golf. It’s exactly like my real life, except I’m actually good at the golf part.
6. The “What Does the Fox Say?” Mystery: We’ve solved the secrets of the universe, but we spent an entire year debating the vocal range of a forest mammal. 2013 was the peak of “internet nonsense.”
7. The Selfie Word of the Year: Oxford Dictionary just made “Selfie” an official word. I’ve never felt more validated and more ashamed of my front-facing camera at the same time.
8. The Flappy Bird Frustration: I just spent four hours trying to fly a pixelated bird through two pipes. I’ve never been so close to throwing my phone into a brick wall.
9. The Iron Man 3 Twist: Ben Kingsley isn’t the Mandarin? I’ve never felt so betrayed by a bathrobe-wearing actor in my entire life.
10. The Candy Crush Invite: If I get one more notification asking for “lives” in a game about exploding jellybeans, I’m unfriending my own mother.

The Full 2013 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Blurred Lines” Bassline: It’s the catchiest song of the year, but the lyrics make me feel like I need to call a lawyer just to be safe.
12. The Breaking Bad Finale: Walter White is done. I spent five years watching a chemistry teacher break bad, and now I’m just a guy with a Netflix account and an empty soul.
13. The “Royals” Lorde: A 16-year-old from New Zealand just told us we’ll never be royals, and honestly, looking at my bank account, she’s 100% right.
14. The Gravity Panic: I spent 90 minutes watching Sandra Bullock spin in space. I’ve never been so grateful for oxygen and the fact that I’m sitting on a stationary chair.
15. The “Wrecking Ball” Video: Miley is swinging on construction equipment and licking sledgehammers. I’m just worried about the OSHA violations.
16. The Wolf of Wall Street Energy: Leonardo DiCaprio made me want to sell pens and buy a yacht, but I’m currently just selling my old stuff on eBay to pay for a latte.
17. The “Get Lucky” Summer: Daft Punk and Pharrell created the song of the summer. I spent 4 months “up all night to get lucky” but I mostly just got a lack of sleep.
18. The Man of Steel Collateral Damage: Superman just saved the world by destroying every single building in Metropolis. Thanks, Clark. Very helpful.
19. The “Roar” Katy Perry: She’s a champion and you’re gonna hear her roar. Usually while I’m trying to focus at the gym.
20. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: Katniss is back in the arena. 2013 is the year we realized that Jennifer Lawrence is the actual queen of Hollywood.
21. The “Counting Stars” OneRepublic: I’m not counting money; I’m counting stars. Mostly because I’m a millennial and I can’t afford the money part yet.
22. The World War Z Sprint: Zombies don’t walk anymore; they swarm like angry bees. 2013 is the year I realized I really need to start doing cardio.
23. The “Stay” Rihanna: She’s in a bathtub again. Rihanna is officially the most hydrated person in the music industry.
24. The American Hustle Hair: Every actor in this movie has hair that looks like it was designed by a committee that loves the year 1978.
25. The “Suit & Tie” JT: Justin is back with a tuxedo and Jay-Z. 2013 is a very “classy” year for pop-soul.
26. The Despicable Me 2 Minions (Still): They’re everywhere. They’re on my bananas, they’re on my socks, they’re in my nightmares.
27. The “Wake Me Up” Avicii: Country-EDM? I didn’t know I needed a banjo-drop in my life, but 2013 has provided.
28. The 12 Years a Slave Intensity: A movie that everyone says is “important” but nobody wants to watch twice.
29. The “Timber” Pitbull & Ke$ha: Mr. Worldwide and the glitter queen. It’s the ultimate 2013 “shouting in a bar” anthem.
30. The Pacific Rim Kaiju: Giant robots punching giant monsters. 2013 is the year my inner 10-year-old finally felt seen.
31. The “Radioactive” Imagine Dragons: I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones. Mostly because my bed is cheap and my back is 30 years old.
32. The Frozen “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?”: The only question that can make a grown man cry in the middle of a grocery store aisle.
33. The “Talk Dirty” Jason Derulo: He’s traveling the world and apparently he needs a translator for everything except the beat.
34. The Now You See Me Trick: A movie that convinced me that magicians could rob banks. I tried it; I just lost a card and got banned from the credit union.
35. The “Best Song Ever” One Direction: They know it’s the best song ever. They’re very confident for five guys with great hair.
36. The Insidious: Chapter 2 Fear: I’m still afraid of red faces and old ladies in rocking chairs. 2013 is a bad year for my sleep schedule.
37. The “Holy Grail” Jay-Z: Justin Timberlake is on the hook. 2013 is the year of the “Legend of the Summer” tour.
38. The Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch is Khan. Or is he? Yes, he is. We all knew.
39. The “Applause” Gaga: She’s living for the applause. I’m living for the moment my boss stops asking for “one more thing.”
40. The Her Movie: Joaquin Phoenix fell in love with his operating system. I can’t even get Siri to set an alarm correctly.
41. The “The Monster” Eminem & Rihanna: They’re back for the third time. They are the official musical therapists of 2013.
42. The Evil Dead Remake: I’ve never seen so much fake blood in my life. I think they bought out the world’s supply of corn syrup.
43. The “Happy” Pharrell: I’ve been happy for 24 hours straight. My face hurts from smiling. Please, Pharrell, let me be slightly annoyed for five minutes.
44. The Purge Premise: For one night, all crime is legal. In 2013, that just means everyone would probably just download movies illegally and not pay for parking.
45. The “Can’t Hold Us” Macklemore: We’re looking for a ceiling that isn’t there. 2013 is a very high-energy year for independent rap.
46. The Anchorman 2 Hype: I’ve been waiting 9 years to see Ron Burgundy again, and he’s currently living in a lighthouse. 10/10.
47. The “We Can’t Stop”: Miley just told us that it’s her party and she can do what she wants. I’m just here for the giant teddy bears.
48. The Conjuring Claps: If I hear two claps in a dark room, I’m moving to another country.
49. The “Dark Horse” Katy Perry: Juicy J is on this. 2013 is a very “Trap-Pop” year.
50. The We’re the Millers “No Ragrets”: I have zero “ragrets” about watching this movie. Not even a single letter.
51. The “Burn” Ellie Goulding: She’s still got the fire. 2013 is a very combustible year for pop stars.
52. The Thor: The Dark World: Tom Hiddleston as Loki is the only reason I’m still watching these movies. He’s the real hero.
53. The “Sail” AWOLNATION: The official song for every GoPro video of someone doing something dangerous in 2013.
54. The Captain Phillips “I’m the Captain Now”: I’ve said this to my dog three times today. He still hasn’t listened.
55. The “Just Give Me a Reason”: Pink and Nate Ruess. The official song for every couple that is currently “it’s complicated.”
56. The This Is the End Cameos: Michael Cera getting hit by a lamppost is the peak of 2013 cinema.
57. The “Demons” Imagine Dragons: My demons are hiding in my closet. Next to my old trucker hats and my cargo shorts.
58. The Prisoners Intensity: Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal. I’ve never felt so stressed about a missing person in a rainy town.
59. The “Love Me Again” John Newman: The official song for when you’re playing a soccer video game in 2013.
60. The About Time Time-Travel: A movie that made me realize I’d use time travel just to have a better first date and not to save the world.
61. The “Animals” Martin Garrix: The song that proved you only need one wood-block sound to have a global EDM hit.
62. The 2013 iPhone 5S: It has a fingerprint scanner! I’m currently unlocking my phone with my toe just to prove I can.
63. The 2013 PS4 vs Xbox One: The console wars are back. I’ve chosen a side and I’m ready to defend it on an internet forum for the next decade.
64. The 2013 Netflix Binge: I just watched 13 hours of House of Cards in one sitting. I feel like a political genius and a physical disaster.
65. The 2013 Optimism: We’ve got Vine, we’ve got Frozen, and we’ve got GTA V. Surely the next year will be just as fun and 6-seconds long.