66 Observational One-Liners: The 2017 Spinner Revolution

Step into 2017 – the year of the Fidget Spinner obsession, the global launch of Nintendo Switch, and the moment we all realized that Salt Bae was the only way to properly season a steak. It was the era of the “Despacito” takeover and the summer when we all tried to remember if we were “Team Moonlight” or “Team La La Land.” Here is the observational archive of 2017.

The 2017 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Fidget Spinner Mania: I just saw a grown man in a business suit spinning a piece of plastic between his fingers during a board meeting. 2017 is the year we officially admitted we have the collective attention span of a goldfish on caffeine.
2. The Oscar Mix-up: I’ve never seen a room go from “Yay, we won!” to “Wait, this is a mistake” so fast. 2017 is the year I realized that even accounting firms can have a “bad day at the office.”
3. The Fortnite Drop: My son just told me he can’t do the dishes because he’s “dropping in Tilted Towers.” I don’t know what that means, but he’s currently doing a dance called “The Floss” and I’m concerned for his joints.
4. The Salt Bae Aesthetic: I just paid $50 for a steak because a man in a white t-shirt let salt bounce off his forearm into the meat. It’s the most expensive seasoning I’ve ever tasted.
5. The Nintendo Switch Freedom: I can play Zelda on my TV, then take it to the bathroom, then take it on a plane. 2017 is the year my social life officially died so Link could find his memories.
6. The “Despacito” Summer: I don’t know 98% of the lyrics, but I’ve been singing “Burrito, Dorito, mosquito” for four months and nobody has corrected me yet.
7. The iPhone X Notch: Apple removed the home button and gave me a “notch.” Now I have to stare at my phone to unlock it, which is awkward because even my phone looks disappointed in me at 2 AM.
8. The It (Pennywise) Fear: A dancing clown in a sewer just made me terrified of red balloons and yellow raincoats. 2017 is a bad year for plumbing.
9. The Wonder Woman Power: Gal Gadot just proved that a shield and a lasso are the only things you need to fix the 1910s. Also, Chris Pine is still great in a plane.
10. The “Look What You Made Me Do”: The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because she’s busy being the queen of the 2017 charts with a giant snake.

The Full 2017 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Get Out Teaspoon: I can’t hear a spoon hitting a teacup without worrying that I’m about to enter “The Sunken Place.” Thanks, Jordan Peele.
12. The “Shape of You” Loop: Ed Sheeran is in love with the shape of you. And the radio is in love with playing this song every 12 minutes.
13. The Logan Sadness: A superhero movie that felt like a western and made me cry over a man with metal claws. 2017 is getting deep.
14. The “Bodak Yellow” Queen: Cardi B just arrived to tell us that she makes “bloody moves.” I’m still just making “moves toward the fridge.”
15. The Spider-Man: Homecoming: Tom Holland is finally a kid in high school. 2017 is the year we realized that Peter Parker’s biggest enemy is actually his girlfriend’s dad.
16. The “Havana” Camila: Half of her heart is in Havana, and the other half is currently stuck in my head. Un-na-na.
17. The Thor: Ragnarok Glow-up: Taika Waititi turned Thor into a comedian and Jeff Goldblum into a DJ. 2017 is the peak of the Marvel “fun” era.
18. The “Believer” Imagine Dragons: I’m a believer! Mostly in the power of a heavy drum beat to make me feel like I can lift a car.
19. The Lady Bird Realization: A movie that made me realize that my mom was right about everything, but I’m still going to argue with her about my outfit.
20. The “New Rules” Dua Lipa: One: Don’t pick up the phone. I failed rule number one immediately because I thought it was my pizza delivery.
21. The Baby Driver Soundtrack: I’ve started timing my walking to the beat of my playlist. I’m not a getaway driver; I’m just late for a bus.
22. The “Thunder” Imagine Dragons (Still): Just a young gun with a quick fuse. 2017 is a very “electric” year.
23. The Jumanji Reboot Surprise: It was actually good? The Rock, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black as a teenage girl is the comedy trio I didn’t know I needed.
24. The “Stay” Zedd & Alessia: Another clock-ticking beat. 2017 is very concerned with time management.
25. The Dunkirk Silence: I spent two hours in a theater without any dialogue, just the sound of ticking and planes. It’s the most stressful beach trip ever.
26. The “Wild Thoughts” Rihanna: She sampled Santana and now I’m back in 1999 but with better eyeliner.
27. The Coco “Remember Me”: Disney/Pixar just made me cry over a skeleton and a guitar. 2017 is the year of the “emotional gut-punch.”
28. The “Attention” Charlie Puth: He’s just calling me because he wants attention. He’s the most relatable pop star of 2017.
29. The Star Wars: The Last Jedi: Porgs, salt planets, and everyone on the internet fighting. 2017 is a very loud year for Star Wars fans.
30. The “Slow Hands” Niall Horan: The “chill” member of One Direction is making me want to wear a linen shirt and drink a mojito.
31. The Beauty and the Beast CGI: Emma Watson sang with a teapot. 2017 is the year of the “Live-Action Remake” juggernaut.
32. The “Mi Gente” J Balvin: Beyoncé joined the remix and suddenly I’m an expert in reggaeton (I’m not, I just like the beat).
33. The Greatest Showman Energy: This is the greatest show! I’ve been singing “The Other Side” in my cubicle for three days.
34. The “Sorry Not Sorry” Demi: She’s not sorry, and looking at her 2017 success, she shouldn’t be.
35. The Shape of Water Romance: A movie about a woman who falls in love with a fish-man. 2017 is the year we decided that “it’s complicated” is an understatement.
36. The “Rockstar” Post Malone: He’s feeling like a rockstar, and I’m feeling like a guy who really needs a nap and a haircut.
37. The Kingsman: The Golden Circle: Pedro Pascal with a lasso. 2017 is the year of the “action-sequel-overload.”
38. The “Something Just Like This”: The Chainsmokers and Coldplay. The ultimate “I want a simple life” anthem from two of the least simple bands.
39. The John Wick Chapter 2: He’s still mad about the dog, and now he’s in Rome. Don’t touch his suits.
40. The “That’s What I Like” Bruno: Strawberry champagne on ice? I’ll settle for a lukewarm soda and a nap, Bruno.
41. The Blade Runner 2049 Visuals: It’s orange, it’s raining, and Ryan Gosling is still quiet. It’s a 163-minute masterpiece of “cool staring.”
42. The “Perfect” Ed Sheeran: The official wedding song for every couple that thought “Thinking Out Loud” was too 2014.
43. The Guardians Vol. 2 Baby Groot: He’s tiny, he’s dancing, and he’s the only reason I’m buying a new keychain this year.
44. The “I Feel It Coming” Weekend: Daft Punk is back again. 2017 sounds like a very soulful space station.
45. The Girls Trip “Grapefruit”: I’ll never look at citrus fruit or Tiffany Haddish the same way again.
46. The “Sign of the Times” Harry: Harry Styles is flying in a music video and sounding like David Bowie. 2017 is the year of the “Serious Solo Harry.”
47. The Justice League “Mustache”: I spent the whole movie trying to look at Superman’s upper lip. CGI is a cruel mistress.
48. The “Malibu” Miley: She’s back to being a beach girl. 2017 is a very “natural” year for Miley.
49. The Wind River Chill: A movie that made me want to buy a heavy parka and never go to Wyoming.
50. The “DNA.” Kendrick: I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA. I just got a bill for my internet and some pizza crust in mine.
51. The Three Billboards Intensity: Frances McDormand is the most intimidating person in 2017.
52. The “Issues” Julia Michaels: I’ve got issues, you’ve got them too. 2017 is the year of “Emotional Transparency.”
53. The Murder on the Orient Express: Everyone is a suspect, and everyone has a very impressive mustache.
54. The “2U” David Guetta & Bieber: The Victoria’s Secret models are in the video, and I’m just trying to figure out the lyrics.
55. The Atomic Blonde Neon: Charlize Theron fighting in a stairwell to 80s music. 2017 is a very “neon-bruised” year.
56. The “Feel It Still” Portugal. The Man: I’m a rebel just for kicks now. I just wore mismatched socks to work. I’m out of control.
57. The War for the Planet of the Apes: The trilogy is over. I’ve never been so sad about a CGI chimpanzee named Caesar.
58. The “Symphony” Clean Bandit: Zara Larsson’s voice is the official sound of every 2017 pop-radio hour.
59. The Call Me By Your Name Peach: I will never eat fruit in a garden in Italy without feeling slightly awkward.
60. The “What Lovers Do” Maroon 5: SZA is on this! 2017 is the year SZA officially became the queen of features.
61. The 2017 Bitcoin Peak: It just hit $20,000! I’m a genius! (Wait, it just dropped to $13,000. I’m a disaster).
62. The 2017 HQ Trivia: I’m currently waiting for Scott Rogowsky to tell me if I won 42 cents from a trivia game on my phone.
63. The 2017 Tesla Roadster in Space: Elon Musk put a car on a rocket. 2017 is the year of “Why? Because I can.”
64. The 2017 Face ID: I’m making weird faces at my phone in the dark just to see my bank balance.
65. The 2017 Instagram Slime: Why am I watching 40 minutes of people poking neon-colored slime? It’s oddly satisfying.
66. The 2017 Optimism: We’ve got the Switch, Fidget Spinners, and Black Panther is coming. Surely 2018 will be a calm, quiet year.