68 Observational One-Liners: The 2015 Reality Glitch

Step into 2015 – the year of the “What color is this dress?” debate, the launch of Apple Watch, and the long-awaited return to a galaxy far, far away with The Force Awakens. It was the era of the “Hotline Bling” dance moves and the summer when we all realized that Mad Max could be a two-hour car chase and still be the best movie of the decade. Here is the observational archive of 2015.

The 2015 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Dress Crisis: I just lost three friends and my dignity arguing whether a piece of fabric is white and gold or blue and black. 2015 is the year our eyes officially stopped working as a team.
2. The Hotline Bling Dance: Drake is dancing like a dad who just finished a very successful DIY project in the garage, and now I can’t stop doing the “cellphone hand” at every party.
3. The Apple Watch Launch: I just bought a tiny computer for my wrist so I can be notified that I’m sitting too much, while I’m sitting and looking at my phone. The cycle of productivity is complete.
4. The Force Awakens Hype: Han Solo said “Chewie, we’re home,” and I cried in a theater full of adults wearing plastic helmets. 2015 is the year nostalgia became a multibillion-dollar industry.
5. The Mad Max Fury: A two-hour car chase with a guy playing a flamethrower guitar on top of a truck. I’ve never felt so productive while doing absolutely nothing.
6. The Adele “Hello” Comeback: She said “Hello from the other side,” and 300 million people realized they haven’t called their grandmother in three years.
7. The Jurassic World Heels: Bryce Dallas Howard just ran away from a T-Rex in stilettos. I can’t even walk to the kitchen in socks without slipping.
8. The Netflix and Chill: A simple phrase that turned a quiet night of watching documentaries into a high-stakes social negotiation.
9. The Inside Out Tears: Disney made me feel bad for my own emotions. Now my “Sadness” is having an existential crisis about my “Joy.”
10. The Hoverboard Reality: It doesn’t actually hover, it has two wheels, and it’s currently exploding in someone’s living room. 2015 is the year of the “False Advertising” gadget.

The Full 2015 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Uptown Funk” (Still): It’s still playing. It’s at the gym, it’s at the dentist, it’s in my dreams. Bruno Mars is the landlord of 2015.
12. The Martian Science: Matt Damon grew potatoes in space using his own… well, science. I can’t even keep a cactus alive in my kitchen.
13. The “Lean On” Beat: Major Lazer and DJ Snake created a song that sounds like 2015 feels: a lot of neon lights and a slight headache.
14. The Creed Legacy: Sylvester Stallone is a coach now, and Michael B. Jordan just made me want to do 500 push-ups (I did 3 and ate a slice of pizza).
15. The “Sugar” Maroon 5 (Still): They’re still crashing weddings. At this point, if Adam Levine doesn’t show up at your nuptials, did you even get married?
16. The Revenant Bear: Leonardo DiCaprio spent two hours being cold, hungry, and attacked by a bear just to finally get that gold statue.
17. The “Can’t Feel My Face”: The Weeknd is on fire in the video, and I’m just trying to figure out if this song is about love or something you buy in a dark alley.
18. The Ant-Man Scale: A superhero movie where the final battle takes place on a Thomas the Tank Engine set. 2015 is the year Marvel got “small.”
19. The “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)”: I’ve seen 400 toddlers and 100 news anchors do this dance. I think I’m ready for the next viral trend now.
20. The Hateful Eight Snow: Three hours of people shouting in a room while it snows outside. It’s like a very intense family Thanksgiving.
21. The “What Do You Mean?”: Justin Bieber is back, he’s sorry, and he has a new haircut. 2015 is the year of the “Bieber-sance.”
22. The Sicario Tension: I didn’t breathe for the last 40 minutes of this movie. My lungs are officially retired.
23. The “See You Again”: The official song for every goodbye, every graduation, and every time someone finishes a bag of chips.
24. The Straight Outta Compton Style: Suddenly, everyone has a “Straight Outta [Insert Suburban Town]” t-shirt.
25. The “Stitches” Shawn Mendes: He’s getting beat up by an invisible ghost in the video, which is exactly how my 2015 feels.
26. The Spy (Melissa McCarthy): A movie that proved that a middle-aged woman is a better spy than Jason Statham.
27. The “Sorry” Dance: Justin Bieber is still apologizing, and the girls in the video are wearing more neon than a 1980s aerobics class.
28. The Big Short Logic: Margot Robbie explained subprime mortgages in a bathtub. I still don’t understand the economy, but I enjoyed the lesson.
29. The “Love Me Like You Do”: Ellie Goulding is the official soundtrack to every “50 Shades” fan’s daydream.
30. The Peanuts Movie: Charlie Brown is still trying to kick that football. 2015 is the year of “Consistency.”
31. The “Trap Queen” Fetty Wap: 1738! I don’t know what it means, but I’m ready to cook something in a kitchen with a girl I just met.
32. The Kingsman Umbrella (Still): I still look at my umbrella and wish it could hack a satellite.
33. The “Worth It” Fifth Harmony: They’re in an office, they have a saxophone, and they’re very confident about their value.
34. The Pitch Perfect 2 Riff-Off: More acapella, more Rebel Wilson, and more songs I’ll be humming in the shower.
35. The “Bad Blood” Squad: Taylor Swift recruited every famous person in the world for one video just to tell someone she’s mad at them.
36. The San Andreas Earthquake: The only movie that makes me want to move to a place where the ground never moves.
37. The “Where Are Ü Now”: Skrillex and Diplo turned Bieber into a work of art. 2015 is a very “distorted vocal” year.
38. The Bridge of Spies Style: Tom Hanks doing Tom Hanks things in a cold war setting. It’s the ultimate “Dad Movie.”
39. The “Cheerleader” Remix: OMI is telling us that he found a girl who is always there. 2015 is a very “Trumpet-Pop” year.
40. The Carol Longing: Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara staring at each other for two hours. It’s the most beautiful silence of the year.
41. The “Drag Me Down”: One Direction is down to four members and they’re in space. 2015 is a year of transitions.
42. The Minions Movie: They have their own movie now. The “Banana” language is officially the most spoken dialect of 2015.
43. The “How Deep Is Your Love”: Calvin Harris and Disciples. The official song of every 2015 road trip.
44. The Everest Fear: A movie that reminded me that I’m perfectly happy at sea level with a blanket and a remote.
45. The “Ex’s & Oh’s” Elle King: The official anthem for every girl who has a trail of broken hearts behind her.
46. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Suits: Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer. I don’t remember the plot, but I remember the tailored jackets.
47. The “Stressed Out” Twenty One Pilots: My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think. 2015 is the year of “Anxiety-Pop.”
48. The Trainwreck Comedy: Amy Schumer and Bill Hader. The only movie that made me think John Cena is actually a comedic genius.
49. The “Wildest Dreams” Taylor: She’s in Africa with a lion and a vintage camera. Taylor is living in a perpetual 1950s postcard.
50. The Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation: Tom Cruise is hanging off a plane. Again. I’m starting to think he just hates being inside aircraft.
51. The “Focus” Ariana: She’s got white hair and a lot of horns in the beat. 2015 is very “Jazz-Pop.”
52. The Fantastic Four Reboot: I’ve already forgotten this happened. Let’s move on to 2016.
53. The “Same Old Love” Selena: She’s sick of the same old love, and I’m sick of my phone battery dying at 2 PM.
54. The Goosebumps Nostalgia: Jack Black as R.L. Stine. 2015 is for the kids who grew up in the 90s.
55. The “Renegades” X Ambassadors: The official song of every car commercial that wants to look “rugged.”
56. The Sisters Party: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. 2015 is the year we realized that being an adult is just pretending to know what you’re doing.
57. The “Locked Away”: Adam Levine and R. City. If I got locked away, would you still love me? Probably not if you’re still crashing weddings.
58. The Walk (3D): I got vertigo just sitting in a cinema seat. 2015 is the year of “Why did he do that?”
59. The “Perfect” One Direction: They’re still perfect. They’re still in hotels. They’re still 2015.
60. The Black Mass Makeup: Johnny Depp looks like a scary egg. 2015 is the year of “Unrecognizable Actors.”
61. The “Adventure of a Lifetime”: Coldplay as monkeys. 2015 is a very “CGI Primate” year.
62. The Daddy’s Home Rivalry: Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. It’s the ultimate “Step-dad vs. Cool Dad” showdown.
63. The “Work from Home”: (Wait, that’s 2016). Fifth Harmony is already warming up.
64. The 2015 iPhone 6S: It has “3D Touch.” I’m pressing my screen really hard and nothing is happening except my thumb hurts.
65. The 2015 Microsoft HoloLens: I can see holograms in my living room! (Actually, I’m just seeing my cat looking at me with confusion).
66. The 2015 Pluto Photos: We finally saw Pluto and it has a heart on it! It’s still not a planet, but it’s a very cute dwarf.
67. The 2015 Amazon Dash Button: A physical button to buy laundry detergent. 2015 is the peak of “I’m too lazy to open an app.”
68. The 2015 Optimism: We’ve got Star Wars back, the Dress is solved (it was blue), and everything is digital. Surely 2016 will be a very quiet, predictable year.