67 Observational One-Liners: The 1999 Retro Edition

Welcome to 1999 – the year we partied like it was, well, 1999. It was the era of The Matrix, the height of TRL, and the Great Y2K Panic where we all feared our toasters would lead a global revolution at midnight. From the debut of Napster to the neon glow of the new millennium, here is the observational archive of the final year of the 20th century.

The 1999 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Y2K Hoard: I’ve spent my life savings on canned beans and bottled water because I’m 60% sure my PC’s clock is going to trigger a nuclear winter at midnight.
2. The Matrix Fashion: Suddenly, every guy in the suburbs owns a floor-length leather trench coat and tiny sunglasses, convinced they can dodge bullets while working at a Cinnabon.
3. The Napster Revolution: I’m currently “sharing” music with a guy named MetallicaFan42. It only takes four hours to download one song that might actually be a virus or a recording of a dial-up modem.
4. The Jar Jar Mystery: I waited in line for 12 hours to see The Phantom Menace, and I’ve spent the last three months trying to explain to my brain why the comic relief is a CGI lizard-rabbit.
5. The Blair Witch Hype: I paid ten dollars to watch 90 minutes of shaky footage and a close-up of a guy’s nose, and now I’m afraid of sticks in the woods.
6. The Nokia 3210 Pride: My phone no longer has an external antenna. I feel like I’m living in the year 3000, even though I still only use it to play Snake.
7. The Fight Club Rule: Everyone is talking about Fight Club, which is weird because the first rule is that we aren’t supposed to talk about Fight Club.
8. The Britney vs. Christina War: You have to choose a side. There is no middle ground in the great pop princess battle of 1999.
9. The SpongeBob Debut: There’s a cartoon about a sponge living in a pineapple under the sea, and for some reason, it’s the most relatable thing on television.
10. The iMac Blueberry Fever: We’ve reached peak aesthetic: everything in my house, from my computer to my toothbrush, is now made of translucent blue plastic.

The Full 1999 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Office Space Truth: I watched a movie about guys smashing a printer, and now I can’t look at my boss without thinking about “TPS reports.”
12. The Ricky Martin Liver: 1999 is the year we all decided to start “Livin’ la Vida Loca,” even if our version just means staying up until 11 PM.
13. The Sixth Sense Spoiler: I spent the whole movie confused, and then spent the next six months making sure everyone else’s movie was ruined too.
14. The Dreamcast “Thinking”: My new console is so powerful it “thinks,” but mostly it just makes a loud whirring sound while I try to play Sonic Adventure.
15. The Bluetooth Naming: Still waiting for my “Blue Tooth” to arrive. I’m starting to think this wireless thing is just a dentist’s prank.
16. The American Pie Pact: Every teenage boy in 1999 is now terrified of warm pastries and awkward conversations with their dad.
17. The Lou Bega Count: I’ve got a little bit of Monica, Erica, and Rita in my life, and a whole lot of this song stuck in my head forever.
18. The All Star Anthem: Smash Mouth has officially created the song that will play at every graduation, wedding, and sporting event until the end of time.
19. The Family Guy Start: A cartoon that’s basically just a talking dog and a baby trying to kill its mother. Finally, a show for me.
20. The Pokémon Movie: I’m 25 years old and I’m crying in a theater because a CGI Pikachu is slapping another Pikachu.
21. The “What’s My Age Again?” Question: Blink-182 has made it socially acceptable for grown men to run through the streets in their underwear.
22. The Red Bull Arrival: I just drank a tiny silver can of liquid that tastes like crushed vitamins and battery acid. I think I can see through time now.
23. The “Believe” Auto-Tune: Cher is still at the top of the charts, and her voice still sounds like a very soulful radiator.
24. The Austin Powers Sequel: “I shall call him… Mini-Me.” If I hear this one more time at the water cooler, I’m calling HR.
25. The “Smooth” Santana: Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana have successfully taken over every radio station on the planet. You cannot escape the hat or the guitar solo.
26. The Tony Hawk Pro Skater: I just did a 900-degree flip over a half-pipe. Well, my thumbs did. My actual body can’t even do a push-up.
27. The Futurama Prediction: Matt Groening says the year 3000 will be full of suicide booths and delivery lobsters. Sounds about right.
28. The “Genie in a Bottle”: Christina Aguilera’s voice is so big it’s a miracle it fits inside a standard CD player.
29. The Mummy Hype: Brendan Fraser is fighting CGI sand. This is the peak of action cinema.
30. The “No Scrubs” Policy: TLC has officially defined the 1999 dating scene: if you’re hanging out the passenger side of your best friend’s ride, don’t even bother.
31. The eBay Addiction: I just spent $40 on a “rare” Pez dispenser from a guy in Ohio. I love the future.
32. The “My Name Is” Intro: A blond guy from Detroit just started yelling at his mom on the radio, and I think music is about to get very angry.
33. The Jar Jar Tongue: Why did they give him a 2-foot long tongue? Was the slapstick not enough?
34. The “Wild Wild West” Budget: They spent $170 million on a giant mechanical spider, and I’m still not sure why.
35. The Notting Hill Dream: I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to stop downloading MP3s and pay attention to me.
36. The “Steal My Sunshine” Vibe: This song is just two people talking over a catchy beat, and somehow it’s the sound of the whole summer.
37. The Sega vs. Sony: The Dreamcast is out, the PS2 is coming, and my wallet is already crying in anticipation.
38. The Eyes Wide Shut Confusion: I watched a Tom Cruise movie that was three hours of masks and piano music. I still don’t know what happened.
39. The “I Want It That Way” Mystery: Tell me why… no, seriously, tell me why this song is so catchy despite the lyrics making zero sense.
40. The Hot Cheetos Boom: My fingers are permanently stained red. This is my life now.
41. The “Bawitdaba” Chant: Kid Rock is combining rap, metal, and fur coats. 1999 is a very confused year.
42. The 10 Things I Hate About You: I learned that Shakespeare is much better when it’s set in a high school and involves Heath Ledger singing.
43. The Unreal Tournament: My nights are now spent getting “fragged” by strangers over a 56k connection.
44. The “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” Anthem: Shania Twain has successfully united every bachelorette party in the Western world.
45. The Big Brother Debut: A show where people just sit in a house and talk? Who would ever watch that?
46. The “Learn to Fly” Video: Dave Grohl dressed as a flight attendant is the only thing keeping me going this Tuesday.
47. The Cruel Intentions Moral: If I’ve learned anything, it’s never to trust anyone with a cello case or a secret journal.
48. The “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” Madness: If I hear this song one more time, I will actually turn blue from the sheer frustration.
49. The Deep Blue Sea Logic: LL Cool J is a chef fighting super-intelligent sharks. 1999 was a wild time for scriptwriters.
50. The “Summer Girls” Lyrics: LFO just rhymed “Abercrombie & Fitch” with “Chinese food makes me sick.” Poetry is dead.
51. The Rollerball Mouse: I have to take the ball out of my mouse every week to clean out the gray lint. This is the “high tech” maintenance of the future.
52. The “Last Kiss” Cover: Pearl Jam made a depressing 60s song a hit again, because 1999 wasn’t sad enough with the Y2K threat.
53. The Big Daddy Philosophy: Adam Sandler taught me that you can raise a child as long as you have enough newspaper to cover the floor.
54. The “Waiting for Tonight” J-Lo: Jennifer Lopez is dancing in a laser jungle, which is exactly how I imagine the Y2K New Year’s Eve will look.
55. The Age of Empires II: I’ve spent the last 72 hours “wololo-ing” my enemies into joining my religion.
56. The “Bug a Boo” Destiny: Destiny’s Child just reminded us that if a guy is paging you too much, he’s a bug.
57. The South Park Movie: “Bigger, Longer & Uncut”—my parents are 100% sure this movie is the reason for the downfall of society.
58. The “If You Had My Love” Video: J-Lo is watching us through a webcam? That’ll never be a real thing.
59. The Tarzan Soundtrack: Phil Collins went way harder on this soundtrack than he actually needed to.
60. The “Higher” Creed: Scott Stapp is singing with his arms wide open, and I’m pretty sure he’s trying to hug the entire atmosphere.
61. The Galaxy Quest Truth: This is the best Star Trek movie that isn’t actually a Star Trek movie.
62. The “Mambo No. 5” Spread: My dad is doing a mambo in the kitchen. 1999 has claimed another victim.
63. The Everquest Divorce: People are losing their real lives to a game that looks like a collection of pointy brown triangles.
64. The “Save Tonight” Eagle-Eye: One more song about saving the night before the world ends. We get it, it’s 1999.
65. The Toy Story 2 Tears: Why did Pixar make me care so much about a cowgirl’s abandonment issues?
66. The Millennium Countdown: Every news channel has a clock in the corner. I’m staring at it like it’s a ticking time bomb.
67. The 1999 Optimism: In two days, it’ll be 2000. We’ll finally have silver jumpsuits, robot maids, and no more dial-up noise. Right?