77 Observational One-Liners: The 2012 End of Days

Step into 2012 – the year of the Curiosity rover landing on Mars, the London Olympics, and the moment we all realized that Grumpy Cat was the perfect mascot for our collective mood. It was the era of the Gangnam Style global takeover and the summer when we all wondered if Tinder would actually make us meet people or just give us a thumb workout. Here is the observational archive of 2012.

The 2012 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Mayan Calendar Panic: I spent my entire life savings on 20th of December because the Mayans ran out of stone in the year 900. Waking up on the 22nd was the most expensive “oops” in human history.
2. The Gangnam Style Horse: A man in a blue tuxedo from Korea just taught the entire planet how to ride an invisible horse. I’ve seen my boss do it, I’ve seen my grandma do it, and I think I need a vacation from the internet.
3. The Avengers Assemble: We finally saw six superheroes standing in a circle while New York got destroyed. It was the most satisfying 12 seconds of cinema since the invention of popcorn.
4. The Tinder Swipe: There’s a new app where you judge people’s entire soul based on one blurry photo of them holding a fish. 2012 is the year romance became a card game.
5. The Skyfall Bond: Daniel Craig is back, Adele is singing the theme, and Bond finally has a beard and a drinking problem. It’s the most relatable 007 has ever been.
6. The Grumpy Cat Spirit: Finally, an animal that accurately represents how I feel during a Monday morning PowerPoint presentation.
7. The Curiosity Mars Landing: We put a car-sized robot on Mars using a giant space crane. I still can’t get my printer to connect to my laptop via Wi-Fi.
8. The “Call Me Maybe” Overload: I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, and please stop playing this song every four minutes before I lose my mind.
9. The Dark Knight Rises Voice: I spent the whole movie trying to figure out if Tom Hardy was talking through a mask or if he just had a very loud radiator in his throat.
10. The London Olympics Spice Girls: The only thing more impressive than the athletes was seeing five women on top of black cabs proving that 1996 will never truly die.

The Full 2012 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Somebody That I Used to Know” Body Paint: Gotye and Kimbra just stood there and turned into a painting while telling us about their breakup. It’s the artiest way to be sad.
12. The Hunger Games Braids: Suddenly, every girl in the world wants to hunt with a bow and wear a side-braid. Katniss is the new CEO of survival.
13. The “Diamonds” Rihanna: Shine bright like a diamond! Rihanna is the only person who can make coal sound luxury.
14. The Magic Mike Experience: I went to the cinema for the “plot” and left realizing that Channing Tatum has more moves than a Swiss watch.
15. The “Starships” Nicki Minaj: Starships were meant to fly, and my brain was meant to hold more than just these neon-pop lyrics.
16. The 50 Shades of Grey Phenomenon: Every woman on the subway is reading a book with a gray tie on the cover and blushing. 2012 is a very awkward year for public transport.
17. The “Locked Out of Heaven”: Bruno Mars sounds like The Police now. I’m okay with it; my dad is confused by it.
18. The Ted Talking Bear: A movie that proved that if your teddy bear came to life, he’d probably just be a bad influence and a liability.
19. The “Thrift Shop” Macklemore: I’m wearing your granddad’s coat and I look incredible. 2012 is the year $20 became a fashion budget.
20. The Brave Red Hair: Pixar gave us a princess with hair that has more physics than most action movies.
21. The “I Knew You Were Trouble”: Taylor Swift is in her “dubstep-lite” phase, and the goats on YouTube are helping her hit the high notes.
22. The Wreck-It Ralph Nostalgia: A movie that made me feel bad for the bad guys in video games. Zangief has feelings too.
23. The “Feel So Close”: Calvin Harris is the official DJ of 2012. If you aren’t listening to a synth-drop, are you even alive?
24. The Les Misérables Singing: They sang it live on set! I can tell because I can hear every tear and every snotty nose in high definition.
25. The “One More Night” Maroon 5: Adam Levine is still having relationship issues. At this point, it’s a lifestyle choice.
26. The Looper Brain-Twist: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a young Bruce Willis. I spent two hours looking at his prosthetic nose instead of the plot.
27. The “Titanium” Sia (Still): This song is the indestructible wall of 2012 radio.
28. The Life of Pi Tiger: I just watched a boy and a CGI tiger on a boat for two hours and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
29. The “Beauty and a Beat”: Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj. The Bieb is growing up and his hair is getting higher.
30. The Pitch Perfect “Cups”: I’ve been hitting a plastic cup on my desk for three hours. My boss is not impressed, but my rhythm is 10/10.
31. The “Die Young” Ke$ha: She wants us to live like we’re gonna die young, which is a terrible financial advice but a great party hook.
32. The Silver Linings Playbook: A movie that proved that being a little crazy is fine as long as you can dance and Bradley Cooper is involved.
33. The “Hall of Fame” The Script: Will.i.am is here to tell us we can be the greatest. 2012 is very motivational.
34. The Django Unchained “D” is Silent: Jamie Foxx and Christoph Waltz. It’s the bloodiest history lesson ever recorded.
35. The “Scream & Shout”: Will.i.am and Britney Spears. “Britney bitch!” is the official catchphrase of the winter.
36. The Prometheus Mystery: I have so many questions for Ridley Scott. Why did she run in a straight line? Why?
37. The “Wide Awake” Katy Perry: She’s out of the candy world and into a dark labyrinth. 2012 is getting serious.
38. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: We’re back in Middle-earth, and it’s going to take us nine hours to read one small children’s book.
39. The “Girl on Fire” Alicia Keys: This girl is on fire! (Metaphorically, luckily).
40. The Sinister Tape Fear: I am never watching old home movies ever again. Thanks, Ethan Hawke.
41. The “Payphone” Maroon 5: A song about a payphone in 2012? That’s like singing about a dinosaur in a space suit.
42. The Flight Landed Upside Down: Denzel Washington proved that you can land a plane inverted, but you probably shouldn’t do it after a liquid lunch.
43. The “Don’t You Worry Child”: Swedish House Mafia is saying goodbye with the biggest drop of the year.
44. The Hotel Transylvania: Dracula is a dad who just wants to protect his daughter. It’s basically every dad, but with more bats.
45. The “Home” Phillip Phillips: The American Idol winner just gave us the official song for every Olympics montage ever.
46. The 21 Jump Street Reboot: I didn’t expect Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill to be the funniest duo of the decade, but here we are.
47. The “Some Nights” Fun.: I still don’t know what I stand for, but I know I love this choir-pop sound.
48. The Men in Black 3 Time Jump: They actually made a good sequel! Josh Brolin does a better Tommy Lee Jones than Tommy Lee Jones.
49. The “Whistle” Flo Rida: I’m 90% sure this song isn’t actually about sports officiating.
50. The Perks of Being a Wallflower: A movie that made me want to stand in the back of a pickup truck while driving through a tunnel (I didn’t, for safety reasons).
51. The “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)”: Pink is back to remind us that she’s the queen of the high-energy breakup.
52. The Taken 2 Logic: They took his wife this time. Liam Neeson needs to start booking vacations in safer locations.
53. The “Lights” Ellie Goulding: The official song of every strobe-light-filled dance floor in 2012.
54. The Chronicle Found Footage: A movie that proved that if teenagers got superpowers, they’d mostly just use them to pull pranks and then accidentally destroy a city.
55. The “Too Close” Alex Clare: Dubstep-pop is the official sound of my 2012 coffee shop experience.
56. The Total Recall Remake: It has Colin Farrell but it’s missing the three-breasted lady… wait, no, she’s there. Okay, 10/10.
57. The “Spectrum” Zedd: EDM is officially taking over the world, one laser beam at a time.
58. The Seven Psychopaths: A movie about a dog, a group of killers, and a lot of meta-humor. 2012 was a weird year for crime.
59. The “Want U Back” Cher Lloyd: That “ugh!” sound she makes is the official noise of 2012 annoyance.
60. The Bourne Legacy: No Bourne: Jeremy Renner is a spy who needs his meds. It’s a very different kind of tension.
61. The “We Are Young”: We set the world on fire, and we’re glowing brighter than the sun. The anthem of every 2012 graduation.
62. The Battleship Movie: They made a movie about a board game where you just guess coordinates. And there are aliens. 2012 was wild.
63. The “Mercy” Kanye: Lambo-Mercy! The most expensive sounding song of the year.
64. The Resident Evil: Retribution: They’re still making these, and Alice is still the coolest person in the apocalypse.
65. The “Suit & Tie” (Wait, that’s early 2013): JT is already getting his tuxedo ready.
66. The Snow White and the Huntsman: Two Snow White movies in one year? 2012 is the year of the mirror on the wall.
67. The “Beauty and a Beat” Rap: Nicki Minaj just rhymed “Biel” with “Zellweger.” 2012 poetry.
68. The Cloud Atlas Complexity: I watched six movies at the same time and I think I’m my own grandfather now.
69. The “Carry On” Fun.: More epic anthems. 2012 is the year of the emotional choir.
70. The Dredd 3D: A movie that finally gave us the Judge Dredd we deserved. It’s just 90 minutes of justice in a tower block.
71. The “Good Time” Owl City & Carly Rae: It’s always a good time when you have two of the catchiest people in the world on one track.
72. The 2012 iPhone 5: It’s longer! I can see one more row of apps! The future is vertical!
73. The 2012 Nintendo Wii U: A controller with a screen. I’m playing a game on my remote while the TV is on. It’s “Screen-ception.”
74. The 2012 Tesla Model S: A car that is basically a giant iPad on wheels. I’m sure this won’t change the world at all.
75. The 2012 Facebook IPO: Mark Zuckerberg is officially a billionaire. I’m officially still looking at photos of my ex’s new dog.
76. The 2012 Curiosity Selfie: A robot on another planet just took a better photo than I’ve ever taken in my life.
77. The 2012 Optimism: The world didn’t end, the Avengers won, and we’ve all got Gangnam Style in our hearts. Surely 2013 will be a quiet, normal year.