72 Observational One-Liners: The 2014 Viral Freeze

Step into 2014 – the year of the Ice Bucket Challenge, the launch of Guardians of the Galaxy, and the moment we all realized that Kim Kardashian’s paper magazine cover was actually trying to “break the internet.” It was the era of the Flappy Bird deletion and the summer when we all realized that Matthew McConaughey was no longer just the rom-com guy, but a space-time genius. Here is the observational archive of 2014.

The 2014 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Ice Bucket Challenge: I just watched my boss, my aunt, and Bill Gates pour a bucket of ice on their heads for “awareness.” 2014 is the year we decided that being cold is the ultimate form of social activism.
2. The Guardians of the Galaxy Tape: Chris Pratt just made me want to buy a Walkman and a cassette of 70s hits. I’m currently dancing in my kitchen like a space outlaw while my cat judges me.
3. The Interstellar Time-Dilation: I spent three hours in a theater and when I came out, my kids had graduated college and I’ve forgotten how to use a microwave. Love is the only thing that transcends dimensions, apparently.
4. The Kim Kardashian “Break the Internet”: A photo of a champagne glass on a very specific part of the anatomy. The internet didn’t break, but my faith in physics certainly did.
5. The Flappy Bird Deletion: The developer deleted the game because it was “too addictive.” I’m currently looking for a used iPhone on eBay for $2,000 just so I can tap a bird between two pipes.
6. The “Happy” Overload (Still): Pharrell is still happy. I’ve been happy for 14 months straight. I’m starting to think this is a permanent medical condition.
7. The LEGO Movie “Everything is Awesome”: It’s a catchy song, but it’s also a terrifying look at a corporate dystopia where everyone wears the same pants. 10/10.
8. The John Wick Realization: Don’t touch the dog. If 2014 taught us anything, it’s that Keanu Reeves can take out an entire mob with a pencil over a beagle.
9. The “Shake It Off” Mantra: Taylor Swift told me that the haters gonna hate, hate, hate. I’ve been shaking it off since August, and my shoulders are actually quite sore.
10. The Godzilla Scale: I spent two hours watching humans talk just to see a giant lizard’s tail for thirty seconds. Worth it for the roar alone.

The Full 2014 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Uptown Funk” Arrival: Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars just released the song that will play at every wedding until the year 2099.
12. The Maleficent Cheekbones: Angelina Jolie’s face is so sharp in this movie I’m pretty sure I got a papercut just looking at the poster.
13. The “All About That Bass”: Meghan Trainor has officially banned “treble” in 2014. It’s a very bold acoustic policy.
14. The Birdman Long Take: A movie that looks like one continuous shot. It made me feel like I was floating behind Michael Keaton for two hours.
15. The “Fancy” Iggy Azalea: I’m in the fast lane, from L.A. to Tokyo. Well, I’m actually in a traffic jam on the way to a dentist appointment.
16. The Grand Budapest Hotel Colors: Wes Anderson just made a movie that looks like a very expensive box of macarons.
17. The “Stay with Me” Sam Smith: The official anthem for when you’ve had one too many lattes and you’re feeling deeply emotional about a stranger.
18. The Gone Girl Twist: I will never trust a “cool girl” again. Or anyone who owns a diary and a blender.
19. The “Take Me to Church” Hozier: I still don’t know if it’s about religion or a breakup, but the bass makes me want to repent for something.
20. The Whiplash Intensity: I’ve never been so stressed about a drum kit and a guy in a black t-shirt shouting about “tempo.”
21. The “Chandelier” Sia: I’m 1-2-3, 1-2-3 drink… but I’m definitely not swinging from a chandelier. My ceiling fan can barely handle a lightbulb.
22. The Boyhood Commitment: It took 12 years to make. I spent two hours watching a kid grow up and realized I’ve done nothing with my life since 2002.
23. The “Blank Space” Taylor: She’s got a blank space, and she’ll write my name. I’m flattered, but also a little terrified of her golf club skills.
24. The X-Men: Days of Future Past: Quicksilver just moved so fast that the 70s actually looked cool for a second.
25. The “Rude” Magic!: Why you gotta be so rude? I’m just trying to marry your daughter, man. 2014 is a very polite year for reggae-pop.
26. The Nightcrawler Creepiness: Jake Gyllenhaal hasn’t blinked once in this entire movie. I’m sleeping with the lights on and my camera covered.
27. The “Problem” Ariana Grande: She’s got one less problem without you, and I’ve got one more problem because this song is stuck in my head.
28. The Mockingjay Part 1: We spent two hours in a bunker. 2014 is the year of “Part 1 of 2” movie fatigue.
29. The “Thinking Out Loud”: Ed Sheeran just wrote the first dance song for the next three decades.
30. The Dawn of the Planet of the Apes: The monkeys have horses and guns now. I’m officially moving to a desert island with no trees.
31. The “Anaconda” Cover: Nicki Minaj just broke the internet’s neck. Sir Mix-A-Lot is somewhere smiling.
32. The Neighbors Airbag: I’ll never look at an office chair or Seth Rogen the same way again.
33. The “Sugar” Maroon 5: Adam Levine is crashing weddings. If he crashes mine, I hope he brings a better cake.
34. The Fault in Our Stars Tears: “Okay? Okay.” No, it’s not okay. I’m a puddle of 2014 emotions.
35. The “Dark Horse” (Still): Katy Perry in Egypt. 2014 is very concerned with magical pop-trap.
36. The Kingsman Umbrella: I just bought a sturdy umbrella and I’m disappointed it doesn’t shoot stun rounds or work as a shield.
37. The “Summer” Calvin Harris: It’s the official sound of every pool party where everyone is just looking at their phones.
38. The Theory of Everything Brain: Eddie Redmayne is so good I forgot he’s not actually Stephen Hawking.
39. The “Black Widow” Iggy & Rita: They’re Kill Bill style assassins, but in 2014, their main weapon is a very catchy hook.
40. The Lucy Brain Myth: We only use 10% of our brains? Scarlett Johansson used 100% and turned into a USB stick. I’ll stick to my 10%.
41. The “Habits (Stay High)” Tove Lo: The official song for when you’re eating Twinkies in a bathtub to get over someone.
42. The 22 Jump Street “My Name is Jeff”: The peak of 2014 comedy is two guys pretending to be foreign exchange students.
43. The “A Sky Full of Stars”: Coldplay went EDM. It’s a very bright and loud era for Chris Martin.
44. The Imitation Game Code: Benedict Cumberbatch solved the Enigma code and I still can’t figure out my own Netflix password.
45. The “Maps” Maroon 5: Adam Levine is looking for you. He’s followed the map that leads to your radio.
46. The Unbroken Resilience: A movie about a guy who survived everything. I complained because my Uber took 6 minutes.
47. The “Waves” Robin Schulz Remix: The chillest song of the year. I feel like I’m at a beach club even though I’m in a cubicle.
48. The Maleficent Dragon: She’s not the villain, she’s just a misunderstood godmother with great wings.
49. The “Cool Kids” Echosmith: I wish that I could be like the cool kids. In 2014, that just means wearing a hat indoors.
50. The Noah Boat: Russell Crowe built a giant wooden box. 2014 is a very “biblical” year for CGI.
51. The “Jealous” Nick Jonas: He’s still got a crush on you, and he’s very buff about it now.
52. The Big Hero 6 Fist-Bump: “Balalalala.” Baymax is the only healthcare provider I trust in 2014.
53. The “Centuries” Fall Out Boy: You’ll remember them for centuries. Or at least until the next sports montage plays.
54. The American Sniper Tension: Bradley Cooper and a fake baby. I’m still stressed about the sniper part, though.
55. The “Trumpets” Jason Derulo: Every time she walks in the room, he hears trumpets. I just hear my ears ringing from the volume.
56. The Into the Woods Singing: Meryl Streep as a witch. 2014 is the year of the “dark fairy tale” musical.
57. The “Rather Be” Clean Bandit: No place I’d rather be… than home, in bed, with no notifications.
58. The Divergent Factions: I’m a “Pizza-Eater,” which isn’t one of the five factions, but it should be.
59. The “L.A. Love” Fergie: She’s back and she’s traveling the world again. La-la-la-la-la.
60. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: They’re huge, they’re green, and they look like they’ve been going to the same gym as the Hulk.
61. The “Amm I Wrong”: Nico & Vinz. 2014 is the year that Norwegian pop-folk took over the world.
62. The 2014 iPhone 6 Plus: It’s huge. It’s so big it’s bending in my pocket. “Bendgate” is the most 2014 tech scandal ever.
63. The 2014 Tinder Super Like: I just accidentally told someone I really, really like them because my thumb slipped.
64. The 2014 Sony Hack: Everyone in Hollywood’s emails are public. It’s the most entertaining thing I’ve read all year.
65. The “Heart Want What It Wants”: Selena Gomez is getting emotional. 2014 is a very “vulnerable” year for pop stars.
66. The Wild Trek: Reese Witherspoon hiked the Pacific Crest Trail with one boot. I get a blister walking to the mailbox.
67. The “Prayer in C”: Lily Wood & The Prick. 2014 is 40% deep-house remixes of indie songs.
68. The Foxcatcher Ears: Steve Carell is unrecognizable and terrifying. 2014 is the year of the “funny guy goes dark.”
69. The “Loyal” Chris Brown: “These girls ain’t loyal.” 2014 is a very cynical year for dating.
70. The John Wick Pencil: I’ll never look at a Ticonderoga #2 the same way again.
71. The “Love Me Harder”: Ariana and The Weeknd. The most 2014 collaboration of the year.
72. The 2014 Optimism: We’ve got Guardians, we’ve got Interstellar, and we survived the Ice Bucket Challenge. Surely 2015 will be a very calm year.