78 Observational One-Liners: The 2006 Social Shift

Step into 2006 – the year when Twitter launched with its 140-character limit, Nintendo Wii turned our living rooms into accidental disaster zones, and Pluto was brutally demoted to a “dwarf planet.” It was the era of the BlackBerry Pearl, the rise of High School Musical, and the moment we all realized that Borat was going to dominate every conversation for the next twelve months. Here is the observational archive of 2006.

The 2006 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Wii Remote Casualty: I just threw a plastic controller through my TV screen while trying to play tennis. 2006 is the year we realized that “motion control” requires a wrist strap and a lot of insurance.
2. The Twitter Limit: There’s a new site where I can only type 140 characters. I’m sure I’ll never run out of space to tell the world exactly what I had for breakfast.
3. The Pluto Heartbreak: Scientists just told me that Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. My third-grade science project is officially “historical fiction.”
4. The Borat Voice: “Very nice!” If I hear one more person say “My wife!” in a Kazakh accent, I’m going to personally ban gray suits and oversized mustaches.
5. The Casino Royale Reboot: Daniel Craig walked out of the ocean in blue trunks and suddenly every man in the world felt the need to go to the gym and order a Vesper.
6. The High School Musical Fever: I’m a grown adult and I have “We’re All In This Together” stuck in my head. Disney has successfully infiltrated my brain.
7. The Facebook Open Door: Facebook is no longer just for college kids. Now my mom is on it, and she just “poked” me. The end of the world is near.
8. The Snakes on a Plane Hype: We spent six months obsessed with the title, and then realized the movie is exactly what it says on the box: snakes, on a plane.
9. The Devil Wears Prada Reality: I now know that “cerulean” is not just blue, and I’m terrified of Anne Hathaway’s boss even though I work in a warehouse.
10. The Justin Timberlake “SexyBack”: Justin is bringing sexy back. I didn’t know it was gone, but I’m glad he found it and brought it to the radio.

The Full 2006 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Hips Don’t Lie” Truth: Shakira says her hips don’t lie, which is great because my back is definitely telling some painful truths after trying to dance like her.
12. The Pan’s Labyrinth Eyes: I’ve never been so terrified of a man with eyes in the palms of his hands. I’m sleeping with my gloves on.
13. The “Crazy” Gnarls Barkley: This song is everywhere. It’s the official soundtrack to my 2006 existential crisis.
14. The 300 Abs: I just watched 300 men with airbrushed abs shout “THIS IS SPARTA!” for two hours. I’m going to go eat a salad and cry.
15. The “Umbrella” Rihanna (Wait, that’s 2007): I’m so ahead of my time I’m already anticipating the rain.
16. The Little Miss Sunshine Van: A movie that made me realize that every family is a disaster, but at least we don’t have to push our car to start it.
17. The “Fergalicious” Definition: Fergie just taught me that “Fergalicious” means “make the boys go loco,” and I’m still trying to find that in the dictionary.
18. The Departed “Rat” Mystery: I spent the whole movie trying to figure out who the mole was, and I still can’t look at Matt Damon without being suspicious.
19. The “Irreplaceable” To the Left: Beyoncé just gave us the ultimate directions for getting an ex-boyfriend out of the house.
20. The Night at the Museum Dream: I’ve started visiting museums at night hoping the dinosaur will play fetch with me. So far, I’ve just been asked to leave by security.
21. The “SOS” Rihanna (Still): This Soft Cell sample is the only thing keeping me sane during my morning commute.
22. The Prestige vs. The Illusionist: 2002 was the year of the volcano, 2006 is the year of the turn-of-the-century magician wars.
23. The “Chasing Cars” Snow Patrol: The official song for when something sad happens in a hospital on a TV show.
24. The Happy Feet Dancing: First penguins walked in a line, now they’re tap dancing. 2006 is a great year for bird-based entertainment.
25. The “Promiscuous” Nelly Furtado: Timbaland is on this track, which means it’s a hit. Timbaland owns the year 2006.
26. The Da Vinci Code Controversy: Tom Hanks has a mullet and everyone is suddenly an expert on secret religious symbols in 15th-century paintings.
27. The “Unfaithful” Rihanna: She’s playing the piano and feeling guilty. It’s a very dramatic year for R&B.
28. The Talladega Nights “Shake and Bake”: I’ve started trying to “shake and bake” with my coworkers. They don’t get it.
29. The “Welcome to the Black Parade”: My Chemical Romance has officially turned every teenager in America into a Goth marching band member.
30. The Cars “Ka-chow!”: Owen Wilson is a talking car, and I’m 100% here for the “life is a highway” metaphor.
31. The “Rehab” Amy Winehouse: She said “no, no, no,” and we all said “yes, yes, yes” to her incredible voice.
32. The Click Remote: Adam Sandler has a remote that can skip through life. I’d use it to skip every Tuesday afternoon until 2010.
33. The “Put Your Records On”: Corinne Bailey Rae is making me want to wear a summer dress and ride a bike through a meadow.
34. The Superman Returns Hair: Brandon Routh has the most perfect hair in the history of superheroes. It didn’t move once during the whole movie.
35. The “SexyBack” Timbaland Whispers: Why is Timbaland whispering in the background of every song? It’s like he’s telling me a secret about the beat.
36. The Blood Diamond Intensity: Leonardo DiCaprio has a Rhodesian accent and I’m suddenly very concerned about where my watch came from.
37. The “Smack That” Akon: Akon is still using the high-pitched voice, and it’s still working. He’s the king of the 2006 club scene.
38. The Borat Swimsuit: I’ve seen the “mankini.” I can never un-see the mankini. My brain is scarred.
39. The “How to Save a Life” The Fray: Another song for when things go wrong in a medical drama. My life feels like a season finale.
40. The Eragon Disappointment: I read the book, I saw the movie, and I’ve decided that dragons are better on paper.
41. The “Glamorous” Fergie: G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. First bananas, now this. The mid-2000s are great for spelling.
42. The Rocky Balboa Comeback: He’s 60 years old and he’s back in the ring. If Rocky can do it, I can definitely get off the couch.
43. The “Wind It Up” Gwen: She’s yodeling over a Sound of Music sample. Gwen Stefani is officially in her “experimental” phase.
44. The Saw III Surgery: I had to close my eyes for ten minutes. 2006 is getting way too intense for my stomach.
45. The “About Us” Brooke Hogan: Hulk Hogan’s daughter has a pop song. 2006 is the year that reality TV spawned a thousand music careers.
46. The Dreamgirls Transformation: Jennifer Hudson just sang the house down. Beyoncé is there too, but this is Hudson’s world.
47. The “Suddenly I See” KT Tunstall: Every time I hear this, I feel like I’m walking through New York with a Starbucks cup and a dream.
48. The Crank Adrenaline: Jason Statham has to keep his heart rate up or he dies. It’s like me trying to stay awake in a Friday meeting.
49. The “Buttons” Pussycat Dolls: Snoop Dogg is on this track. Is there any song Snoop won’t guest on? The man is a legend.
50. The Babel Confusion: Brad Pitt is in a desert, and I’m confused by the non-linear timeline. It’s “high art.”
51. The “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”: Panic! At The Disco has a circus-themed video and a very long title. I love it.
52. The Jackass Number Two: They’re back, they’re older, and they’re still doing things that make me want to hide under my seat.
53. The “A Public Affair” Jessica Simpson: She’s roller skating and trying to be the new Dolly Parton. It’s very 2006.
54. The Apocalypto Subtitles: Mel Gibson made a movie where everyone speaks Mayan. It’s intense, bloody, and I have no idea what they’re saying.
55. The “Grace Kelly” Mika: He can be brown, he can be blue, he can be violet sky. He’s the new Freddie Mercury for the digital age.
56. The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: Johnny Depp has a compass that doesn’t point north, and I have a headache from the plot.
57. The “Too Little Too Late” JoJo: She’s still the queen of the breakup anthem. 15 years old and she’s already seen it all.
58. The World Trade Center Movie: Nicolas Cage and Oliver Stone. It was quiet, respectful, and very, very sad.
59. The “Me & U” Cassie: The most minimalist R&B beat of the year, and it’s stuck in my head like glue.
60. The Rocky Balboa Training: He’s eating raw eggs again. I tried it; I just got salmonella.
61. The “Valerie” Zutons (Wait, Mark Ronson did it better): 2006 is the year of the indie-pop crossover.
62. The Marie Antoinette Soundtrack: Converse shoes in 18th-century France? Kirsten Dunst is the coolest queen in history.
63. The “Walk Away” Kelly Clarkson: She’s still the American Idol, and she’s still telling guys to get lost.
64. The Step Up Dancing: Channing Tatum just danced his way into our hearts. And into a long-term career.
65. The “Over It” Katharine McPhee: Another American Idol runner-up trying to make it in the pop world.
66. The Holiday Expectations: I want to swap houses with a stranger in England, but I’m worried I’ll end up with Jude Law’s brother instead.
67. The “Waiting on the World to Change”: John Mayer is being political, but in a very “mellow guitar” kind of way.
68. The Invincible Mark Wahlberg: A movie about a guy who makes the NFL at age 30. There’s hope for my sports career yet!
69. The “Lips of an Angel” Hinder: The official song for when you’re calling your ex and your current girlfriend is in the other room.
70. The Idiocracy Prediction: I just watched a movie about the future where everyone is stupid. It’s starting to feel like a documentary.
71. The “Cupid’s Chokehold” Gym Class Heroes: They sampled Supertramp and made it a hip-hop hit. 2006 loves a good sample.
72. The Children of Men Long Take: That car scene is the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen in a cinema. No cuts!
73. The “Money Maker” Ludacris: Pharrell is on this one. Pharrell and Timbaland are basically the managers of 2006.
74. The Ghost Rider News: Nicolas Cage is a flaming skeleton on a motorcycle. This is what cinema was made for.
75. The “Call Me When You’re Sober”: Amy Lee is back, and she is done with your excuses.
76. The 2006 BlackBerry Pearl: It has a trackball! I’m rolling my way through my emails like a pro.
77. The 2006 Digital Camera: It’s 8 megapixels. I can see the pores on my face. I’m not sure I like this much detail.
78. The 2006 Optimism: We’ve got the Wii, the MacBook Pro, and Twitter. We are more connected than ever. What could go wrong?