74 Observational One-Liners: The 1998 Retro Edition

Welcome to 1998 – the year of the Furby craze, the launch of Google, and the “Blue Screen of Death” heard ’round the world. While we all sang “Believe” through Cher’s Auto-Tune and watched The Big Lebowski, the digital world was preparing for Y2K and the iMac G3 made beige computers look like relics of the Stone Age. Here is the observational archive of 1998.

The 1998 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Furby Nightmare: I bought a toy that speaks a fake language, wakes up at 3 AM to scream, and has no “off” switch. I think I just moved in with a tiny, fuzzy demon.
2. The Windows 98 Launch: Bill Gates tried to show off his new OS and got a Blue Screen of Death on live TV. It’s nice to know that even billionaires get rejected by their own technology.
3. The iMac G3 Glow: Apple made a computer that looks like a giant blue jolly rancher, and suddenly my beige tower looks like a filing cabinet from the 1950s.
4. The Google Debut: A new search engine called “Google” launched. It’s just a white page with a box. It’ll never last—where are all the blinking banner ads?
5. The Armageddon vs. Deep Impact: 1998 is the year we had to decide if we wanted an asteroid to be stopped by Bruce Willis’s grit or Morgan Freeman’s presidential voice.
6. The Cher Auto-Tune: After hearing “Believe,” I’m convinced that by 2005, actual human voices will be replaced by very talented robots.
7. The Big Lebowski Philosophy: I’ve started calling everyone “Dude” and wearing a bathrobe to the grocery store. My family calls it a “crisis,” I call it “abiding.”
8. The Saving Private Ryan Shock: The first 20 minutes of that movie made me realize that my “hard day at the office” involves a stapler that jams occasionally.
9. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: I’ve spent 12 hours straight playing a flute for a digital horse. This is what peak 1998 productivity looks like.
10. The Britney Spears Uniform: Every school in the country is currently having a crisis because one music video made “schoolgirl chic” a fashion requirement.

The Full 1998 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Sex and the City Standard: Suddenly, every group of four friends has to decide which one is the “Samantha,” even if they all work in mid-level accounting.
12. The MP3 Discovery: I just downloaded a song called “Song1.mp3.” It took three hours and sounds like it was recorded underwater, but I feel like a digital pirate.
13. The Furby Battery Surgery: Trying to find the batteries in a Furby while it’s screaming “Hungry!” is the most stressful thing I’ve done since the 1996 Macarena.
14. The Titanic Video Release: The double-VHS set is here! It’s so heavy it can actually be used as a structural support for my TV stand.
15. The Blade Coolness: Wesley Snipes made wearing a leather trench coat in a nightclub look cool, but when I do it, people just ask if I’m there to fix the plumbing.
16. The Dawson’s Creek Vocabulary: No 15-year-old speaks like this. They’re using words like “idiosyncratic” to describe a crush.
17. The Game Boy Color: I can finally see Mario in green and red, provided I’m sitting directly under a 100-watt lightbulb.
18. The “That ’70s Show” Irony: We’re watching a show about the 70s in the 90s, realizing that the hairstyles haven’t actually improved that much.
19. The Nokia Ringtone Composer: I spent three hours “composing” a beeping version of Mission: Impossible on my phone keypad. I am Mozart now.
20. The Dr. Dolittle Effect: Eddie Murphy is talking to a guinea pig, and somehow this is the biggest movie of the summer.
21. The Half-Life Fear: I played a game where a scientist hits aliens with a crowbar, and now I never look at a ventilation shaft the same way.
22. The “You’ve Got Mail” Movie: Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks made me fall in love with the sound of a 56k modem connecting. It’s pure propaganda.
23. The Godzilla Disappointment: They spent $130 million on a giant lizard that looks like a very angry iguana. I’ll stick to the guy in the rubber suit.
24. The TRL Obsession: Carson Daly is the most powerful man in America because he decides which 30 seconds of a Backstreet Boys video we get to see.
25. The StarCraft Addiction: “Construct additional pylons” is a sentence that is currently ruining my sleep schedule.
26. The Rugrats Movie: 1998 is the year we realized that babies have more interesting social lives than we do.
27. The Viagra Launch: Suddenly, every commercial break during the evening news has become very awkward for the whole family.
28. The Disposable Razor Phone: My new flip phone is so small that if I sneeze, I might accidentally call my boss and delete my contacts.
29. The Harry Potter US Launch: American kids are finally getting the book, and we’re all trying to figure out what a “crumpet” or “platform 9 3/4” is.
30. The “Iris” Overplay: Goo Goo Dolls have been singing “I just want you to know who I am” for six months straight. We know, Johnny. We know.
31. The Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Watching Johnny Depp do drugs in a bucket hat has made every college dorm room smell like incense and regret.
32. The Bluetooth Naming: They named a new wireless technology after a Viking king. I’m sure this won’t be confusing at all in the future.
33. The Mulan Soundtrack: “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” is the only song that can actually make me want to go to the gym.
34. The 1998 French World Cup: Everyone is suddenly a soccer expert, even if they can’t find France on a map.
35. The “The Parent Trap” Trick: Lindsay Lohan is two people! I spent the whole movie trying to find the “seam” on the screen.
36. The Rush Hour Chemistry: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are the duo I didn’t know I needed, mostly because I can only understand half of what either of them says.
37. The Giga Pet vs. Tamagotchi War: The battle for my pocket’s attention is getting intense. I have a digital dog and a digital alien, and they’re both starving.
38. The Liquid Water on Europa: NASA says there’s water on a moon of Jupiter. I’m still just trying to find a water fountain that works in this office.
39. The Antz vs. A Bug’s Life: 1998 is the year of the insect wars. Do I want my ants to be neurotic Woody Allen types or colorful Pixar characters?
40. The “One Week” Rap: Bare Naked Ladies just taught me that it’s possible to cram 500 words into a three-minute pop song.
41. The Snake II Upgrade: My Nokia now has Snake II. It has mazes! Life will never be the same.
42. The Practical Magic: Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock made me believe that being a witch just involves drinking margaritas and looking fabulous.
43. The Sega Dreamcast News: 128 bits? My brain can’t even process that many bits. The future is too fast.
44. The “Truly Madly Deeply” Wedding: If I hear this song at one more wedding, I’m going to personally object during the vows.
45. The Truman Show Paranoia: I’ve started looking for hidden cameras in my bathroom mirror. Thanks, Jim Carrey.
46. The Spice Girls Breakup: Geri Halliwell left the group, and my 12-year-old sister is acting like it’s the fall of the Roman Empire.
47. The iMac USB Panic: Apple removed the floppy drive! How am I supposed to save my 400kb Word document now? What is “USB”?
48. The “Intergalactic” Video: The Beastie Boys dressed as Japanese construction workers fighting a giant robot is the peak of 1998 aesthetics.
49. The Parent Teacher Conference: My teacher said I spend too much time “wandering the halls.” I told her I’m just “exploring the open-world environment.”
50. The Mask of Zorro: Antonio Banderas made me want to carve a “Z” into my desk, but I just ended up getting detention.
51. The “Fly Away” Lenny Kravitz: I also want to fly away, Lenny, but I’m currently stuck in a 14.4k download loop.
52. The “Brimful of Asha” Remix: Everyone’s got a “brimful of Asha on the 45,” and nobody has any idea what that actually means.
53. The Pleasantville Shift: I’m waiting for my life to turn from black and white to color, but so far it’s just staying a very dull shade of cubicle-gray.
54. The “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” Paradox: The Offspring just described 80% of the guys in my suburban neighborhood.
55. The Drudge Report: I’m getting my news from a guy with a fedora on a website that looks like a ransom note. This is the future of journalism.
56. The “Slide” Goo Goo Dolls: Another song about sliding into someone’s life. 1998 is very concerned with friction-based metaphors.
57. The Belly Movie: The most visually stunning movie I’ve ever seen, even if the plot is just “looking cool in neon lights.”
58. The “Miami” Will Smith: Welcome to Miami! I’ve never been there, but I feel like I know exactly what the humidity feels like now.
59. The Pokemon Red/Blue Release: I’m a grown adult and I’m trying to decide if I’m a “Charmander” or a “Squirtle.” (I’m a Bulbasaur, but don’t tell anyone).
60. The “Ghetto Supastar” Loop: I’ve had this chorus stuck in my head for six months. Pras, Mya, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard are my new inner voice.
61. The Titanic VHS Rewind: It takes 15 minutes to rewind both tapes. That’s enough time to contemplate my mortality.
62. The “Ray of Light” Madonna: Madonna is a techno-yogi now. I tried yoga once; I just fell over and hit my Discman.
63. The Everlast “What It’s Like”: A song that reminds me that everyone is suffering, which is exactly what I need to hear while waiting for my bus.
64. The Six Days Seven Nights: Harrison Ford is grumpy in a plane. So, it’s basically just a documentary of his real life.
65. The New York City “Cleaning Up”: Times Square is starting to look like a giant Disney Store. I miss the grit, but I like the giant M&Ms.
66. The “Bitter Sweet Symphony” Lawsuit: The Rolling Stones took all the money from the song. That’s the most “bittersweet” thing I’ve ever heard.
67. The Buffalo Platform Shoes: Every girl at the mall is currently four inches taller and walking like they’re on stilts.
68. The “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”: Steven Tyler is screaming about not wanting to sleep, and frankly, after seeing that asteroid movie, I don’t blame him.
69. The DVD “Special Features”: I can see the director’s commentary! I’ve always wanted to hear a guy talk over the movie I’m trying to watch.
70. The “Goodbye” Spice Girls: It’s the end of an era. The girl power is dimming, and the boy bands are waiting in the wings like hungry wolves.
71. The Yahoo! IPO: People are becoming millionaires overnight because they own a website that lists other websites. I should have bought more “Yahoo.”
72. The “Cruel Summer” Cover: Ace of Base is back to remind us that summer is hard, but synth-pop makes it better.
73. The Millennium Fear: Every time the clock strikes midnight, I check to see if my microwave has become self-aware yet.
74. The 1998 Optimism: We’ve got Google, we’ve got iMacs, and we’ve got Britney. What could possibly go wrong in the next two years?