66 Observational One-Liners: The 2005 Digital Explosion

Step into 2005 – the year when “Me at the zoo” started a video revolution and The Office brought the cringe of corporate life to our living rooms. It was the era of the iPod Nano, the rise of Guitar Hero in every basement, and the summer we all realized that a “penguin documentary” could be a blockbuster hit. From the debut of How I Met Your Mother to the final (at the time) Star Wars prequel, here is the observational archive of 2005.

The 2005 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The YouTube Birth: Someone just uploaded a 19-second video of an elephant’s trunk. I’m not sure why I’m watching this, but I have a feeling I’ll be doing this for the next twenty years.
2. The Tom Cruise Couch Incident: I just watched the world’s biggest movie star lose his mind on Oprah’s furniture. I’m not sure if he’s in love or if he’s trying to perform a vertical jump record.
3. The James Blunt Stare: He told me “You’re beautiful” in a high-pitched voice while taking his shirt off in the snow. It’s the most aggressive compliment I’ve ever received.
4. The Guitar Hero Ego: I just “played” a perfect solo on a plastic toy with five colored buttons. I’m currently considering quitting my job to become a fake rock star.
5. The iPod Nano Reveal: Steve Jobs pulled a computer out of his coin pocket. My wallet is currently thicker than my entire music library.
6. The Wedding Crashers Rules: I’ve spent the whole summer trying to “lock it up” and shouting “Ma! The meatloaf!” at my mother, who is deeply confused.
7. The Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: We finally saw the helmet go on. It only took three movies, ten hours, and a lot of dialogue about political maneuvers in the Senate.
8. The MySpace Glitter: My profile now has a background that sparkles, a song that plays automatically, and a cursor that is a tiny heart. It takes ten minutes to load, but it’s “art.”
9. The Batman Begins Realism: Batman is gritty now. He has a tank, he lives in a basement, and he talks like he’s been eating gravel for breakfast.
10. The Brokeback Mountain Impact: A movie about cowboys that made the entire world realize that “I wish I knew how to quit you” is the ultimate line for any toxic habit.

The Full 2005 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Gold Digger” Anthem: Kanye and Jamie Foxx reminded us that she ain’t messin’ with no broke men—which is bad news for my 2005 bank account.
12. The 40-Year-Old Virgin Scream: “KELLY CLARKSON!” is now the only acceptable thing to yell when you’re in physical pain.
13. The “Hollaback Girl” Spelling Bee: I’m still spelling B-A-N-A-N-A-S every time I buy fruit. Gwen Stefani has rewired my brain.
14. The Office (US) Cringe: I watched Michael Scott try to be funny for 20 minutes and I had to hide behind my sofa from the secondhand embarrassment.
15. The “Candy Shop” Stick: 50 Cent is back, and he’s very interested in taking us to a shop that apparently doesn’t sell actual candy.
16. The Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: The hair is longer, the dragons are bigger, and Robert Pattinson is here to break our hearts for the first time.
17. The “Sugar, We’re Goin Down”: I don’t know exactly what Patrick Stump is saying, but I know it involves a “loaded god complex” and a lot of pointing.
18. The March of the Penguins: I just paid ten dollars to watch birds walk in a line for two hours, and I’ve never been more emotionally invested in a flightless animal.
19. The “You’re Beautiful” Overplay: If I hear this song in one more elevator, I’m taking the stairs for the rest of the decade.
20. The Sin City Aesthetic: A movie that looks like a comic book and makes me feel like I need to wash my face with black-and-white soap.
21. The “Feel Good Inc.” Laugh: The Gorillaz are back with a windmill and a creepy laugh that is the soundtrack to my 2005 commute.
22. The War of the Worlds Tripods: That “BWAAAAA” sound is the scariest thing I’ve ever heard coming from a giant mechanical tripod.
23. The “We Belong Together” Comeback: Mariah Carey has officially reclaimed her throne and she’s doing it in a wedding dress in the rain.
24. The Chronicles of Narnia Wardrobe: I’ve checked the back of my closet three times this week. Still just coats and a bag of old batteries.
25. The “Pon de Replay” Debut: A girl from Barbados named Rihanna just arrived, and she wants the DJ to turn the music up. I think she might be famous someday.
26. The King Kong Length: Peter Jackson spent three hours on an island with a giant ape. It’s like Lord of the Rings, but with more bugs and less jewelry.
27. The “Mr. Brightside” Still Playing: It’s 2005 and this song is still the king of the dance floor. It’s never leaving, is it?
28. The Madagascar “Move It”: I have a dream that one day I will go five minutes without hearing a lemur sing about moving his body.
29. The “Bad Day” Daniel Powter: The official anthem of every person who just spilled coffee on their keyboard.
30. The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Johnny Depp looks like a very stylish dental hygienist, and the Oompa Loompas are everywhere.
31. The “Don’t Phunk with My Heart”: The Black Eyed Peas are back, and they’re very concerned about the emotional integrity of their relationships.
32. The Walk the Line Performance: Joaquin Phoenix is so good as Johnny Cash that I’ve started wearing black and singing in a deep voice to my cat.
33. The “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (Still): I’m still walking alone. My shadow is still the only one that walks beside me.
34. The Devil Rejects Chaos: Rob Zombie made a movie that makes me want to take a very long shower and move to a gated community.
35. The “Beverly Hills” Weezer: Rivers Cuomo is singing about where he wants to be, and I’m just trying to be somewhere with better reception.
36. The How I Met Your Mother Legend: It’s “legen—wait for it—dary!” I’m sure we’ll find out who the mother is by the end of next season.
37. The “Wake Me Up When September Ends”: Every year, on October 1st, we all check to see if Billie Joe Armstrong is finally awake.
38. The Hitch Rules: Will Smith taught me that 90% of a kiss is your job, and 10% is hers. I tried it; she was waiting for the other 10% for a long time.
39. The “Lose Control” Missy Elliott: The beat is so fast it’s basically an aerobic workout for my ears.
40. The Memoirs of a Geisha Visuals: A beautiful movie that made me want to buy more silk and learn how to walk gracefully (I failed).
41. The “Photograph” Nickelback: “Look at this photograph!” Every time I see it, it makes me laugh—mostly at Chad Kroeger’s hair.
42. The Dukes of Hazzard Remake: Jessica Simpson in denim shorts. That is the entire plot of the movie.
43. The “Fix You” Lights: Coldplay is here to guide you home and ignite your bones. It’s very dramatic for a Tuesday afternoon.
44. The Doom Movie: They put a first-person shooter scene in the movie! It’s like watching someone else play a video game, which is apparently the future of entertainment.
45. The “SOS” Rihanna: She sampled Soft Cell and now I’m stuck in a loop of 80s nostalgia and 2005 pop.
46. The Fantastic Four Costumes: Blue spandex and a guy made of rocks. 2005 is the year of the “okay” superhero movie.
47. The “Check on It” Beyoncé: She’s in an all-pink room and the song is stuck in my head like digital glue.
48. The Hostal Fear: I’m never going to Europe. Or staying in a hotel. Or meeting new people.
49. The “Dirty Little Secret” All-American Rejects: Everyone has one, and in 2005, it’s usually that you actually like this song.
50. The Sky High Premise: A high school for superheroes. It’s like Mean Girls, but with more flying and less pink.
51. The “Hung Up” Madonna: She sampled ABBA and she’s dancing in a leotard at 47. Madonna is a time traveler.
52. The Munich Intensity: Steven Spielberg made a movie about revenge that is so tense I forgot to eat my popcorn for two hours.
53. The “Since U Been Gone” (Still): Kelly Clarkson is the queen of the 2005 radio. You cannot hide from the high notes.
54. The Saw II Needle Pit: I’ve never cringed so hard in a cinema. I think my soul left my body for a second.
55. The “Temperature” Sean Paul: I still don’t know 80% of the lyrics, but I know the “gal” is definitely “hot.”
56. The Jarhead Boredom: A war movie where nothing happens, which is apparently exactly what war is like.
57. The “Unwritten” Natasha Bedingfield: “Feel the rain on your skin!” The official anthem of every hair commercial in 2005.
58. The Pride & Prejudice (Keira Knightley): A lot of walking in misty fields and looking deeply yearning. It’s very British.
59. The “My Humps” Tragedy: “What you gon’ do with all that junk?” The Black Eyed Peas have officially run out of lyrics, but it’s still a hit.
60. The Xbox 360 Launch: I just saw the graphics on Gears of War. I can see individual drops of sweat. The future is too real.
61. The “Because of You” Tears: Kelly Clarkson is making me cry in my car again. It’s a weekly ritual now.
62. The Mr. & Mrs. Smith Chemistry: Brad and Angelina. We all know what’s happening, and the movie is just a two-hour excuse for them to look cool.
63. The “Run It!” Chris Brown: A 16-year-old just arrived to tell us that he’s the new prince of R&B.
64. The Stealth Movie: A movie about a sentient jet plane. It was as bad as it sounds, but the explosions were nice.
65. The “Stickwitu” Pussycat Dolls: The name of the group is weird, the song is a ballad, and I’m confused by the 2005 pop landscape.
66. The 2005 Optimism: We have YouTube, the iPod Nano, and a new Batman. Surely things will only get simpler from here.