81 Observational One-Liners: The 2008 Superhero Surge

Step into 2008 – the year the App Store opened its doors, Iron Man launched a cinematic empire, and the world economy decided to take an unscheduled vacation. It was the era of the Lady Gaga explosion, the obsession with Twilight vampires, and the moment we all realized that a “hashtag” was more than just a pound sign on a telephone. Here is the observational archive of 2008.

The 2008 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Iron Man Reveal: Tony Stark stood in front of the press and said, “I am Iron Man,” and just like that, my next ten years of cinema attendance were decided for me.
2. The Dark Knight “Why So Serious?”: I’ve spent the whole year trying to do a gravelly Joker voice, and the only result is that I’ve developed a permanent sore throat and lost several friends.
3. The MacBook Air Envelope: Steve Jobs pulled a laptop out of a manila envelope. Now I’m looking at my thick PC laptop like it’s a suitcase from the 1920s.
4. The App Store Fever: I just downloaded an app that makes my phone look like a glass of beer. I paid 99 cents for it. I am officially living in the future of useless entertainment.
5. The Twilight Sparkle: 2008 is the year we learned that vampires don’t burst into flames in the sun; they just look like they’ve been rolled in craft glitter.
6. The Lady Gaga “Poker Face”: A girl in a blue leotard with a lightning bolt on her face just changed pop music, and I’m still trying to figure out what a “disco stick” is.
7. The Wall-E Silence: I spent the first 40 minutes of a movie watching a robot stack trash in total silence, and it was more emotional than any conversation I’ve had this year.
8. The Beijing Olympics: I spent two weeks watching Michael Phelps win more gold than a pirate, and now I feel guilty for getting winded while walking to the microwave.
9. The Twitter Hashtag: Someone told me to put a # before my words. Now #everything #looks #like #this and I’m not sure #why.
10. The Economic Reality: My bank account in 2008 is currently a “Before” picture in a documentary about why you shouldn’t invest in things you don’t understand.

The Full 2008 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Single Ladies” Hand Move: Beyoncé just gave every person on a dance floor a workout routine that involves a lot of hand-flipping and invisible rings.
12. The Tropic Thunder “Full Tropic”: Robert Downey Jr. played a guy playing a guy disguised as another guy. My brain is still trying to untangle the layers.
13. The “Lollipop” Lil Wayne: He’s using auto-tune like a robot with a sugar rush, and it’s the only song playing in every car with tinted windows this summer.
14. The Kung Fu Panda “Skidush”: Jack Black as a panda is my spirit animal, mostly because our physical conditioning is exactly the same.
15. The “I Kissed a Girl” Debut: Katy Perry arrived with a cherry chapstick and a hit song that made every parent in suburbia very nervous.
16. The Step Brothers “Prestige Worldwide”: I’ve started asking people if they have “room for activities” every time I see a piece of furniture.
17. The “Bleeding Love” Leona Lewis: She’s been bleeding love for six months on the radio. Someone please give her a bandage and a new playlist.
18. The Taken “Particular Set of Skills”: Liam Neeson made me terrified of ever answering the phone while on vacation.
19. The “Viva La Vida” Chimes: Coldplay is singing about old castles and kings, and I’m just trying to pay my rent in a modern apartment.
20. The Indiana Jones Fridge: I just watched an 80-year-old man survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator. Science is amazing in 2008.
21. The “Disturbia” Rihanna: She’s in a dark room with creepy contacts. Rihanna has officially entered her “Goth-Pop” phase.
22. The Pineapple Express Smoke: A movie that made me realize that Seth Rogen and James Franco are the only people I want to be stuck with in a crisis.
23. The “Low” Flo Rida: Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. The official uniform of 2008, despite being highly impractical for actual weather.
24. The Cloverfield Shaky Cam: I left the theater with a headache and a deep suspicion of giant monsters attacking Manhattan.
25. The “American Boy” Estelle: Kanye is on this too. Kanye is the guest of honor for the entire year 2008.
26. The Sex and the City Movie: Four years later, they’re back. They’re still wearing shoes that cost more than my car, and I’m still watching.
27. The “No Air” Jordin Sparks: Chris Brown and Jordin are singing about suffocation, and it’s the most dramatic ballad of the year.
28. The Mamma Mia! Karaoke: Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA is a choice that I’m still trying to process.
29. The “Paper Planes” M.I.A.: Cash registers and gunshots as a beat. It’s the coolest song of the year, even if I don’t know what she’s actually saying.
30. The Forgetting Sarah Marshall Puppet: A breakup movie with a Dracula musical performed by puppets. 2008 was a great year for creativity.
31. The “Love in This Club”: Usher is back, and he’s still very interested in the romantic potential of a VIP section.
32. The Hancock Anti-Hero: Will Smith is a grumpy superhero who drinks. Finally, a relatable person with powers.
33. The “Bust It Baby Pt. 2”: Ne-Yo and Plies. 2008 is a very smooth year for R&B collaborations.
34. The Gran Torino Growl: Clint Eastwood spent two hours growling at people on his lawn, and I’ve never respected a porch more.
35. The “Womanizer” Britney: She’s back, she’s dancing in a sauna, and she’s reclaiming her crown.
36. The Slumdog Millionaire Tension: I’ve never been so stressed about a game show in my life. Jai Ho!
37. The “Sex on Fire” Kings of Leon: The official song for every person who thinks they’re an “indie” fan but only knows this one chorus.
38. The Quantum of Solace Speed: A Bond movie that moves so fast I’m not even sure if James Bond was actually in it.
39. The “So What” Pink: She’s a rockstar, she’s got her rock moves, and she doesn’t need you. 2008 is the year of the empowered breakup.
40. The Marley & Me Warning: I went in for a cute dog movie and I came out a shell of a human being.
41. The “Better in Time”: More Leona Lewis. She’s very patient about the healing process of a broken heart.
42. The Bolt Dog: A dog who thinks he’s a superhero. It’s basically The Truman Show but for Labradors.
43. The “4 Minutes” Madonna: She teamed up with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. It’s like a 2008 summit of pop royalty.
44. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Brad Pitt gets younger while I feel older just watching a three-hour movie.
45. The “Mercy” Duffy: She sounds like she’s from 1964 and I’m perfectly okay with that.
46. The Twilight Baseball: The most intense game of baseball ever played by people who look like they’ve never seen a sun in their lives.
47. The “Heartless” Kanye: He’s using more auto-tune and he’s very sad. 2008 is the year of “808s & Heartbreak.”
48. The Iron Man “Burger” Scene: Tony Stark’s first request after escaping a terrorist cell is a cheeseburger. I’ve never related to a billionaire more.
49. The “Just Dance” Gaga: She just told me to “spin that record, babe,” and I’ve been spinning ever since.
50. The Vicky Cristina Barcelona: A movie that made me want to go to Spain and be involved in a complicated love triangle (I just went to Spain and got a sunburn).
51. The “Whatever You Like” T.I.: He can buy me anything I want. I’ll take a 2008 gas price reduction, please.
52. The Wanted “Curve the Bullet”: I spent twenty minutes trying to flick my wrist while throwing a tennis ball. I just hit my own leg.
53. The “Hot N Cold” Katy Perry: She’s singing about indecisive guys, and I’m singing about my indecisive internet connection.
54. The High School Musical 3: They’re graduating! Finally, we can all move on from the singing lockers.
55. The “Closer” Ne-Yo: He’s coming closer, and the beat is getting more “Euro-dance.” 2008 is shifting the sound.
56. The Milk Bravery: Sean Penn proved that one person can change the world, provided they have enough courage and a great haircut.
57. The “Shake It” Metro Station: Miley Cyrus’s brother is in a band, and the song is stuck in my head like industrial glue.
58. The Dark Knight “Pencil Trick”: I’ve never seen a room go so quiet in a cinema. I’m never sitting near a pencil again.
59. The “Shattered (Turn the Car Around)”: O.A.R. is the official band of every college student with a backwards hat in 2008.
60. The Madagascar 2 Moto Moto: “I like ’em big, I like ’em chunky.” The internet is going to have a field day with this hippopotamus.
61. The “Pocketful of Sunshine”: Natasha Bedingfield is back, and she’s been stuck in my head since I saw that movie about the smart girl.
62. The Burn After Reading Stupidity: Brad Pitt in a gym suit being an idiot is the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.
63. The “Live Your Life”: T.I. and Rihanna. “Ay-ay-ay-ay.” It’s the anthem of 2008 optimism in a shaky economy.
64. The Speed Racer Visuals: It’s like someone threw a bucket of neon paint at my eyes. I loved every second of the seizure.
65. The “Green Light” John Legend: André 3000 is on this. It’s smooth, it’s funky, and it’s the best song for a Friday night.
66. The 21 Blackjack Logic: A movie that convinced me I could win at Vegas by doing math. I lost $50 in ten minutes.
67. The “Crush” David Archuleta: The American Idol runner-up has a voice like silk and every teenage girl is currently swooning.
68. The Role Models “LRping”: I now know what LARPing is, and I’m 40% tempted to go to the park with a foam sword.
69. The “One Step at a Time”: Jordin Sparks is giving us life advice. I’m currently on step zero: waking up.
70. The Get Smart Shoe Phone: Steve Carell made me want to call people using my sneakers.
71. The “Handlebars” Flobots: I can ride my bike with no handlebars. I tried; I can now also ride in an ambulance with no dignity.
72. The Eagle Eye Paranoia: Every digital screen is watching me. I’ve started wearing a tin foil hat in the living room.
73. The “Addicted” Saving Abel: The official song of every guy who thinks he’s a “bad boy” but still calls his mom every Sunday.
74. The Yes Man Philosophy: Jim Carrey said “yes” to everything. I tried it and now I’m the proud owner of three MLM subscriptions and a pet goat.
75. The “Labels or Love” Fergie: The Sex and the City theme. Fergie is the queen of the 2008 soundtrack.
76. The Revolutionary Road Sadness: Leo and Kate are back together, and they’re miserable. It’s like Titanic, but without the iceberg to end the suffering.
77. The “Dangerous” Kardinal Offishall: Akon is on this. Akon is the T-Pain of the second half of 2008.
78. The Seven Pounds Sacrifice: Will Smith is making me cry again. This is becoming a yearly tradition.
79. The “Love Story” Taylor Swift: She’s Juliet, he’s Romeo, and we’re all going to be singing this at every wedding for the next decade.
80. The 2008 Netbook: It’s a tiny, slow laptop that barely works, but it fits in my bag. I’m sure this won’t be replaced by tablets in two years.
81. The 2008 Optimism: We’ve got Iron Man, the App Store, and a new era of pop. Surely 2009 will be the year everything gets back to normal.