68 Observational One-Liners: The 2009 Blue-Screen Era

Step into 2009 – the year of the Angry Birds obsession, the launch of Windows 7 (which actually worked!), and the moment we all realized that FarmVille was a full-time job. It was the era of the Black Eyed Peas dominating the charts for half a year and the summer when we all realized that “I’m on a Boat” was the ultimate lifestyle goal. Here is the observational archive of 2009.

The 2009 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Avatar Spectacle: I just spent three hours wearing heavy plastic glasses to watch 10-foot-tall blue people ride dragons. I’m not sure about the plot, but I’m 100% sure I need an aspirin for this 3D headache.
2. The Kanye VMA Moment: I’ve never seen a microphone grabbed so fast. Now, every time someone starts a sentence, I’m afraid Kanye is going to pop out and tell me Beyoncé did it better.
3. The Bitcoin Birth: Someone just told me about “digital gold” created by a guy who doesn’t exist. I’ll stick to my real money, thanks—this “Bitcoin” sounds like a prank for IT guys.
4. The FarmVille Addiction: I just got a notification at 3 AM that my virtual corn is withering. I’ve never farmed a day in my life, but I’m ready to lose sleep over a digital cow.
5. The Angry Birds Fever: I spent my entire commute launching grumpy red birds at green pigs with a slingshot. This is what peak human productivity looks like in 2009.
6. The Black Eyed Peas Lockdown: “I Gotta Feeling” and “Boom Boom Pow” have been Number 1 for 26 weeks. I think they’ve officially bought the Billboard charts and moved in.
7. The Hangover Logic: This movie taught me that if you wake up with a tiger in your bathroom and a missing tooth, you’ve probably had a pretty good night in Vegas.
8. The Windows 7 Relief: After years of Vista asking me if I’m sure I want to move my mouse, Windows 7 is like a breath of fresh air. It actually does what I tell it to do!
9. The Twilight: New Moon Sadness: Edward left, Jacob took his shirt off, and millions of teenagers (and their moms) just collectively lost their minds.
10. The “I’m on a Boat” Anthem: The Lonely Island made a song that makes me feel like a billionaire even when I’m just sitting in a plastic dinghy in a pond.

The Full 2009 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Poker Face” Mystery: Lady Gaga is still the queen of the radio, and I’m still trying to figure out if she’s saying “p-p-p-poker face” or something much more suggestive.
12. The Michael Jackson Farewell: The “This Is It” rehearsals showed us what could have been, and the whole world spent the summer doing the moonwalk in tribute.
13. The District 9 Realism: Aliens arrived, but instead of blowing up the White House, they just moved into a slum and started liking cat food. Most realistic sci-fi ever.
14. The “Party in the U.S.A.”: Miley Cyrus has a dream and a cardigan, and suddenly we’re all putting our hands up when they play her song.
15. The Uncharted 2 Graphics: I just watched Nathan Drake hang off a train dangling over a cliff. I’m not playing a game; I’m playing a movie.
16. The “Fireflies” Owl City: 10 million fireflies? That’s a lot of bugs. But the song is so catchy I’ll allow the infestation.
17. The Paul Blart: Mall Cop Power: Kevin James proved that a Segway is the ultimate vehicle for justice.
18. The “Bad Romance” Rah-Rah: Gaga in a bathtub with a sparkler bra. 2009 music videos have officially reached “peak weird” and I love it.
19. The Up Balloon Dream: Disney made me cry in the first ten minutes of a movie about a flying house. I’ll never look at a balloon the same way again.
20. The “Empire State of Mind”: Jay-Z and Alicia Keys created the official anthem for anyone who has ever visited New York for 48 hours.
21. The Zombieland Rules: Rule #1: Cardio. Rule #2: Double Tap. I’m applying these to my trip to the grocery store on a Saturday morning.
22. The “You Belong With Me” Video: Taylor Swift in glasses is “uncool,” and Taylor Swift in a prom dress is “cool.” 2009 logic is very simple.
23. The Modern Family Debut: Finally, a show that proves every family is a mockumentary waiting to happen.
24. The “TiK ToK” Ke$ha: She brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack. I brush mine with toothpaste and still feel worse than she does.
25. The Sherlock Holmes (RDJ): Sherlock is now a bare-knuckle boxer who talks really fast. It’s “Elementary,” but with more punching.
26. The “Whatcha Say” Jason Derulo: He sampled Imogen Heap and now I can’t hear a serious conversation without wanting to sing “Mmm, whatcha say…”
27. The Paranormal Activity Terror: I spent $15 to watch a door close by itself and now I can’t sleep without a nightlight.
28. The “Sexy Bitch” David Guetta: Akon is on this too. 2009 is the year the “DJ as a Superstar” era officially began.
29. The Inglourious Basterds “Gorlami”: Brad Pitt trying to speak Italian is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a war movie.
30. The “Use Somebody” Kings of Leon: The official song for when you’re feeling “indie” but you’re actually at a corporate retreat.
31. The Parks and Recreation Start: Amy Poehler is trying to fill a pit. I’m sure this will be a very successful seven-season journey.
32. The “Down” Jay Sean: Lil Wayne is on this track. Is Lil Wayne on every single song in 2009? Yes. Yes, he is.
33. The Glee Phenomenon: Suddenly, everyone in high school is bursting into song. It’s like 1996, but with more Auto-Tune and Journey covers.
34. The “Single Ladies” Parody: Every guy on YouTube is wearing a leotard and trying to do the Beyoncé dance. Some things cannot be unseen.
35. The 2012 Movie Panic: John Cusack is driving a limo through a collapsing Los Angeles. I’m checking my calendar for December 2012 with a bit of sweat.
36. The “Blah Blah Blah” Ke$ha: 3OH!3 is on this. 2009 is a very “neon-electro-pop” year.
37. The Star Trek Reboot: Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. They made Star Trek cool for people who don’t know what a phaser is.
38. The “Right Round” Flo Rida: He sampled Dead or Alive and made a song that is 100% designed for spinning in a computer chair.
39. The He’s Just Not That Into You: A movie that basically told every single person in 2009 to stop overthinking their text messages.
40. The “Obsessed” Mariah: She dressed up as Eminem in the video. The celebrity feuds of 2009 are high-level theater.
41. The Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: A world where it rains cheeseburgers. Finally, a weather forecast I can get behind.
42. The “Good Girls Go Bad”: Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl has a pop song. 2009 is the year of the TV-to-Pop crossover.
43. The Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: It’s getting dark, people are dying, and everyone is still very worried about who is dating whom at Hogwarts.
44. The “Meet Me Halfway”: More Black Eyed Peas. They are the background music to my entire life this year.
45. The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: More explosions, less plot, and a giant robot that looks like it’s made of kitchen appliances.
46. The “LoveGame” Gaga: She’s asking if I want to take a ride on her disco stick. I’m still not sure what that is, but the beat is 10/10.
47. The Public Enemies Style: Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. It’s the only movie that made me want to wear a fedora and carry a Tommy gun.
48. The “Replay” Iyaz: My girl’s like a melody in my head. And this song is like a melody that won’t leave my head for three years.
49. The Coraline Eyes: A beautiful stop-motion movie that gave me a permanent fear of buttons.
50. The “Knock You Down”: Keri Hilson, Kanye, and Ne-Yo. It’s like a 2009 R&B dream team.
51. The Fast & Furious (4): They dropped the “The” and brought back Vin Diesel. The family is back together, and they’re still driving too fast.
52. The “Sweet Dreams” Beyoncé: A song that sounds like it was recorded in a spaceship in the year 2099.
53. The Taken (Still Talking): I’m still quoting Liam Neeson every time someone takes my pen at work.
54. The “Waking Up in Vegas” Katy: She’s still the queen of the “California Gurl” aesthetic, even when she’s in Nevada.
55. The X-Men Origins: Wolverine: We finally saw how he got the claws. Also, they sewed Deadpool’s mouth shut? Who thought that was a good idea?
56. The “Million Dollar Bill” Whitney: The queen is back with a Whitney-sized hit.
57. The Paul Blart Segway: I tried one at the mall; I fell over in 4 seconds. Kevin James makes it look easy.
58. The “Evacuate the Dancefloor”: Cascada is back to remind us that 2009 is 50% German techno-pop.
59. The Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: They’re still making these, and I’m still watching them for the squirrel.
60. The “Hotel Room Service”: Pitbull just told me to “forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room.” Mr. Worldwide has arrived.
61. The Julie & Julia Butter: A movie that convinced me I could cook like Julia Child as long as I use four pounds of butter per meal.
62. The “According to You” Orianthi: The official song for every girl who is done with her boyfriend’s bad attitude.
63. The G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: Channing Tatum in a power suit. 2009 is the year of the “toy-to-movie” pipeline.
64. The “Run This Town”: Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye. The 2009 trifecta of power.
65. The 2012 Maya Calendar: I’ve started a “Pre-Apocalypse” savings account, just in case the Mayans were right.
66. The “Hey, Soul Sister” (Wait, that’s 2010): Train is already warming up the ukulele.
67. The 2009 MacBook Pro: It has a “unibody” design. It’s so sleek I’m afraid to touch it with my human fingers.
68. The 2009 Optimism: We’ve got Windows 7, Angry Birds, and the highest-grossing movie of all time. Surely the 2010s will be the best decade yet.