62 Observational One-Liners: The 2007 Tech & Tumble

Step into 2007 – the year of the “Jesus Phone” launch, the birth of the hashtag, and the moment we all realized that a yellow foam finger and Soulja Boy were going to dominate the dance floor. It was the era of the Crysis PC benchmark, the final Harry Potter book release, and the summer when Transformers made us look at our cars with a mix of hope and suspicion. Here is the observational archive of 2007.

The 2007 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The iPhone Reveal: Steve Jobs just showed a phone that is also an iPod and an “internet communicator.” I’m looking at my BlackBerry trackball with pure, unadulterated pity.
2. The Britney Spears Umbrella: 2007 is the year we realized that if Britney can survive 2007, we can survive a Tuesday morning meeting without enough coffee.
3. The Netflix Streaming Debut: I can now watch movies directly on my computer screen instead of waiting for a red envelope. The only downside is my internet speed makes every movie look like a collection of 40 moving pixels.
4. The Crank That (Soulja Boy) Dance: I’ve spent three hours trying to “Superman that ho” in my living room, and the only thing I’ve accomplished is knocking over a floor lamp.
5. The Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: I spent ten years reading these books, and it all ended with a forest walk and a nineteen-year flash-forward. I feel old and magical at the same time.
6. The Transformers Sound: That “chk-chk-chk-chk” noise is the only thing I want to hear when I unlock my Honda Civic. Sadly, it still just sounds like a dying starter motor.
7. The Halo 3 Finish: “Finish the Fight.” I’ve spent so much time on Xbox Live this year that I’ve started seeing blue triangles every time I look at a dark hallway.
8. The No Country for Old Men Hair: Javier Bardem has the scariest bowl cut in the history of cinema. I’m never complaining about my barber again.
9. The Facebook Wall: Suddenly, everyone is “writing on my wall” like we’re back in ancient Egypt, except instead of hieroglyphics, it’s just blurry photos from a frat party.
10. The Ratatouille Dream: A movie that convinced us all that a rat in the kitchen is actually a culinary genius and not a reason to call the health inspector.

The Full 2007 Archive (Extended List)

11. The “Umbrella” Rihanna: “Ella, ella, ey, ey, ey.” It’s been raining for six months straight in my head thanks to this song.
12. The Superbad “McLovin”: I just tried to buy a soda with a fake ID that says “McLovin.” It didn’t work, and the cashier didn’t even appreciate the cultural reference.
13. The “Stronger” Kanye: Harder, better, faster, stronger. Kanye sampled Daft Punk and made me feel like a futuristic gladiator while sitting on the bus.
14. The Juno Vocabulary: “Philo-sophical.” Suddenly every teenager is talking like a 40-year-old screenwriter with a penchant for indie folk music.
15. The “Big Girls Don’t Cry”: Fergie is crying in a music video, and I’m crying because I still can’t spell “Fergalicious” without checking a dictionary.
16. The BioShock “Would You Kindly”: A video game taught me that I am a puppet to anyone who uses a polite phrase. I’m never doing a favor for my boss again.
17. The “Apologize” Timbaland Remix: It’s too late to apologize… but it’s never too late for Timbaland to add a “yeah” and a beatbox track to a ballad.
18. The 300 “This is Sparta!” Remixes: I’ve seen 400 different YouTube videos of Leonidas kicking people into holes to the beat of techno music.
19. The “Beautiful Girls” Sean Kingston: He sampled “Stand By Me” and made a song about suicidal ideation sound like a tropical vacation. 2007 was weird.
20. The I Am Legend Desolation: Will Smith and a dog in a deserted New York. It’s the ultimate movie for introverts who hate traffic.
21. The “Bubbly” Colbie Caillat: The official song of every “Pinterest-style” bedroom that hasn’t been invented yet.
22. The Spider-Man 3 Emo Dance: Tobey Maguire with a fringe and a hip thrust. It’s the exact moment the superhero genre decided to take a very strange detour.
23. The “Glamorous” Fergie (Still): G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. I’m still spelling it out loud at the grocery store.
24. The Portal “The Cake is a Lie”: I spent ten hours solving physics puzzles only to be told that my dessert was a fabrication. I’ve never been more betrayed by a computer.
25. The “Hey There Delilah”: A guy with an acoustic guitar just told a girl in New York that he loves her, and now every college campus has “that guy” on a bench.
26. The Pirates 3 Plot: I watched three hours of pirates and I still have no idea why the giant lady turned into a thousand tiny crabs.
27. The “Grace Kelly” Mika: He can be brown, he can be blue, and he’s definitely the only person who can hit those notes without shattering glass.
28. The Bourne Ultimatum Shaky Cam: I love Jason Bourne, but I feel like I’ve been in a washing machine for two hours after watching this movie.
29. The “Buy U a Drank” T-Pain: Auto-tune is no longer a tool; it’s a lifestyle. T-Pain is the robot king of 2007.
30. The Knocked Up Realization: Seth Rogen proved that you can get the girl even if your primary hobby is “sitting on a sofa.”
31. The “Rehab” Amy Winehouse: Her voice is from the 60s, her style is from a comic book, and her talent is from another planet.
32. The Assassin’s Creed Hood: I’ve started walking around with my hood up, trying to “blend in” with crowds. People just think I’m suspicious.
33. The “Girlfriend” Avril: “Hey! Hey! You! You! I don’t like your girlfriend!” Avril is back to remind us that she’s still a punk-pop menace.
34. The Simpsons Movie: It took 20 years, but we finally got a movie. “Spider-Pig” is the peak of 2007 comedy.
35. The “Wake Up Call” Maroon 5: Adam Levine is still singing about relationship drama, and I’m still listening to it while doing laundry.
36. The Bee Movie Script: Jerry Seinfeld is a bee who sues the human race. 2007 was the year of “Why not?” in movie pitches.
37. The “Whine Up” Kat DeLuna: 2007 is very concerned with vertical movement in the club.
38. The Ghost Rider Leather: Nicolas Cage is a flaming skeleton. It’s the only movie that looks exactly like a teenager’s notebook doodles.
39. The “Makes Me Wonder”: Another Maroon 5 hit. They are the official managers of the 2007 radio waves.
40. The Enchanted Transformation: Amy Adams proved that a Disney princess can survive New York, as long as she has cockroaches to help with the cleaning.
41. The “Clumsy” Fergie: She’s still spelling things, and she’s still falling in love. It’s a consistent brand.
42. The Live Free or Die Hard: Bruce Willis just took down a helicopter with a car. 2007 is the year of “Physics? What physics?”
43. The “No One” Alicia Keys: Her voice is so powerful she doesn’t even need a beat, but the “wwoooo-oooo-oooo” is stuck in my head anyway.
44. The Crysis Benchmark: “But can it run Crysis?” The only question that matters to PC gamers who just spent $2,000 on a graphics card.
45. The “Wait for You” Elliott Yamin: The American Idol machine is still churning out ballads that I’ll definitely sing at karaoke.
46. The 3:10 to Yuma Intensity: Christian Bale and Russell Crowe. It’s the only movie that made me want to wear a cowboy hat and look stoic in the rain.
47. The “The Way I Are” Timbaland: He’s still whispering, and I still don’t care about his bank account as long as the beat is good.
48. The Hairspray Remake: John Travolta in a dress and Zac Efron in a suit. 2007 is the year of the “Feel-Good Musical.”
49. The “Party Like a Rockstar”: I’m “totally dude-ing” and “rockstar-ing” despite being at a desk job with a lukewarm coffee.
50. The American Gangster Style: Denzel Washington makes being a criminal look like a masterclass in corporate management.
51. The “Teardrops on My Guitar”: This Taylor Swift girl is singing about a guy named Drew, and I have a feeling she’s going to write a lot more songs about guys.
52. The there Will Be Blood “Milkshake”: “I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!” The most aggressive way to talk about oil rights ever.
53. The “Paralyzer” Finger Eleven: The official song for when you want to feel like a rock star while driving to a suburban mall.
54. The Ocean’s Thirteen Coolness: They’re back, they’re in Vegas, and they’re still cooler than I’ll ever be even if I win the lottery.
55. The “Cyclone” Baby Bash: T-Pain is on this too. T-Pain is the glue holding 2007 together.
56. The Stardust Magic: A movie with a falling star, Robert De Niro as a sky pirate, and a very confused Charlie Cox. It’s a hidden gem.
57. The “The Sweet Escape”: Gwen Stefani and Akon. 2007 is the peak of the “Woo-hoo! Yee-hoo!” vocal hook.
58. The Walk Hard Parody: Dewey Cox just ruined every musical biopic I’ve ever seen and I’m perfectly okay with that.
59. The “Ayo Technology”: 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, and Timbaland. It’s like a meeting of the 2007 Board of Directors.
60. The Cloverfield Teaser: No title, just a headless Statue of Liberty. I’ve never been so hyped for a movie that makes me want to vomit from motion sickness.
61. The Kindle Launch: Amazon says I can carry a thousand books on a gray screen with a keyboard. I still prefer the smell of paper, but the “instant delivery” is tempting.
62. The 2007 Optimism: We’ve got the iPhone, we’ve got the hashtag, and the Transformers are real. Surely the next year will be just as stable and profitable.