65 Bar Jokes: The 2009 “Hangover & Avatar” Edition

In 2009, the bar was a place of high-concept escapism. If you weren’t talking about the 3D graphics of Pandora, you were trying to piece together what happened the night before while looking for a missing tiger in the bathroom. It was the year of the “Selfie” (though we didn’t call it that yet), the rise of FarmVille notifications on Facebook, and the peak of the “Autotune” era in bar music.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Wolfpack & Blue People” Jokes

1. The Hangover: A guy walks into a bar with a tiger on a leash and a missing tooth. The bartender asks, “Las Vegas?” The guy says, “I don’t know, I just woke up in the meat locker and found this cat.”
2. The Avatar: A guy walks in painted entirely blue and tries to connect his ponytail to the beer tap. The bartender says, “Sir, this is a Guinness, not the Tree of Souls. Sit down.”
3. The Bitcoin: A guy tries to pay for a beer with a piece of paper that says “1 Bitcoin.” The bartender says, “I don’t take imaginary internet gold. Give me five real dollars.”
4. The Kanye VMA: A guy interrupts a girl’s drink order and says, “Yo, I’m happy for you, but this IPA is the best beer of all time!” The bartender says, “Imma let you finish your drink outside, Kanye.”
5. The FarmVille: A guy’s phone pings. He says, “Hold on, I have to go harvest my virtual corn or my neighbors will think I’m a bad farmer.” The bartender says, “You’re a bad customer. Order a drink.”
6. The Uncharted 2: A guy tries to climb the liquor shelf. The bartender says, “You’re not Nathan Drake, and there’s no treasure up there, just dusty vermouth.”
7. The Black Eyed Peas: “I gotta feeling… that tonight’s gonna be a good night!” The bartender says, “I have a feeling you’re going to be singing that until I cut you off.”
8. The Michael Jackson Tribute: The jukebox plays “Thriller” for the tenth time. Everyone in the bar starts doing the dance. The bartender says, “He’s gone, but the royalties are living forever.”
9. The Lady Gaga: A girl walks in wearing a dress made of cocktail napkins. The bartender says, “Nice outfit. Just don’t sit too close to the candles.”
10. The Angry Birds: A guy starts throwing peanuts at a stack of glasses. The bartender asks, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m playing the new game on my phone! I’m trying to get the green pig!”

The Full 2009 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Appletini: “The hangover is coming, but the drink is sweet.”
12. The New Android: A guy shows off his Motorola Droid. The bartender says, “Does it do anything besides make that ‘DROID’ noise?”
13. The Twilight: New Moon: A guy walks in and takes his shirt off. The bartender says, “Put it back on, Jacob. This isn’t a forest.”
14. The Slumdog Millionaire: “How did you know the answer to the pub quiz?” “I grew up in the slums of Mumbai… and I have Wikipedia.”
15. The Twitter 2009: “I’m tweeting my sandwich.” “No one cares, Dave.”
16. The Up Movie: A guy ties fifty balloons to his bar stool and waits to float away.
17. The Sherlock Holmes: A guy looks at his glass and says, “Elementary, my dear bartender. This gin is cheap.”
18. The Jersey Shore: A guy walks in with a spray tan and orange skin. The bartender asks, “Gym, tan, or laundry?” The guy says, “Just shots.”
19. The Kindle 2: A guy reads a digital book and says, “It’s like paper but expensive!”
20. The Windows 7: A guy says, “I’m finally upgrading!” The bartender says, “To a better beer? Please say yes.”
21. The Paranormal Activity: A guy says the bar is haunted. The bartender says, “That’s just the sound of the plumbing and your conscience.”
22. The Glee: A group of people start a choreographed song about their drinks.
23. The Modern Family: A guy says, “My family is so complicated.” The bartender says, “That’s why I’m here. Drink up.”
24. The Parks and Rec: A guy orders a “Snake Juice.” The bartender gives him a shot of tequila and says, “Good luck tomorrow.”
25. The Justin Bieber: A 15-year-old with a swoopy haircut tries to get in. The bouncer says, “Baby, baby, baby, no.”
26. The Ke$ha: A girl brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack. The bartender says, “That’s unhygienic and a waste of good whiskey.”
27. The Susan Boyle: A guy starts singing beautifully. The bartender says, “I didn’t expect that from a guy in a stained t-shirt.”
28. The Facebook Like: A guy puts a “Like” sticker on his empty glass.
29. The Words with Friends: A guy spends twenty minutes trying to spell “Zymurgy” on his phone.
30. The Foursquare: “I’m the Mayor of this bar!” “The Mayor still has to pay for his drinks, pal.”
31. The Craft Beer Rise: “Is this local?” “It was brewed in the basement. You can’t get more local than that.”
32. The Red Bull: “Still giving you wings?” “No, just a twitchy eye.”
33. The Stella Artois: “The official beer of 2009 sophistication.”
34. The Corona: “Find your beach… in a recession.”
35. The Guinness: “The settle is the best part.” “The drinking is the best part, hurry up.”
36. The Tequila: A guy takes a shot and thinks he’s in The Hangover.
37. The Whiskey Sour: “As sour as the unemployment rate.”
38. The Manhattan: “A classic for a modern world.”
39. The Sidecar: “Does this come with a side of 3D glasses?”
40. The Rusty Nail: “Tough as the 2009 economy.”
41. The Dark and Stormy: “Like the plot of Inception… wait, that’s next year.”
42. The Sex on the Beach: “Can we rename it ‘Pandora on the Beach’?” “No.”
43. The Kamikaze: “To the end of the decade!”
44. The B-52: “Light it up like a viral video.”
45. The Mimosa: “The only way to survive a 2009 Sunday.”
46. The Sangria: “Fruit salad for adults.”
47. The Margarita: “Saltier than a guy whose FarmVille crops died.”
48. The Draft Beer: “Reliable, cold, and not digital.”
49. The Coaster: A guy tries to use it as a touchpad.
50. The Bar Snack: “Are these peanuts 3D?” “No, they’re just peanuts.”
51. The Ice Cube: “I’m the only thing here not affected by the internet.”
52. The Bottle Opener: “The most important tech in the room.”
53. The Bar Stool: “Reserved for the guy who still has a Blackberry.”
54. The Neon Sign: “Bud Light: The glow of the decade.”
55. The Karaoke: A guy sings “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. He doesn’t know the words, so he just says “Mum-mum-mum-mah.”
56. The Pool Table: “I’m going to win this for the Wolfpack!”
57. The Bouncer: “You’re too blue to come in.” “It’s just paint!” “I don’t care, you’ll ruin the upholstery.”
58. The Bartender’s Tip: “I take real money, not FarmVille coins.”
59. The Vodka Tonic: “Simple and clear, like a 1080p screen.”
60. The Rum and Coke: “The Captain survived the decade.”
61. The Wine List: “I’ll have the red. The color of my bank account.”
62. The Closing Time: “Last call! Go home and delete your browser history!”
63. The 2009 Ending: “Next year is 2010! The future is finally here!”
64. The Ghost of 1999: A guy says, “Remember when we were worried about Y2K?” The bartender says, “Now we just worry about our data usage.”
65. The Final Toast: “To a decade of weird phones, social networks, and really good beer!”