64 Bar Jokes: The 1996 “Microbrewery & Martini Mania” Edition

In 1996, bar conversations revolved around two things: whether the new “Craft Pale Ale” actually tasted better than Budweiser, and why everyone suddenly wanted to drink Martinis like James Bond. The jukebox was still playing Alanis Morissette, but the first, bulky cell phones were starting to appear in bars, attracting more attention than free peanuts.

The 1996 Top 10: The “Craft & Cosmopolitan” Jokes

1. The IPA Snob: A man walks into a new microbrewery and asks, “Is this beer hoppy?” The bartender says, “Sir, if I put any more hops in this, it would hop right off the counter and out the door.”
2. The Martini Order: A guy walks into a trendy lounge and orders a Martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or a lemon twist?” The guy says, “Just keep the gin coming until I look like I know what I’m doing.”
3. The Microbrewery: A guy walks into a bar and asks, “What’s your most complex beer?” The bartender hands him a glass of water and says, “It’s a deconstructed cloud. Very artisanal.”
4. The James Bond: James Bond walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I know, I know… shaken, not stirred.” Bond looks at him and says, “Actually, I don’t care. I just lost my car in a chase.”
5. The Cell Phone: A guy’s massive 1996 cell phone rings at the bar. He answers it and yells, “I’m in a bar!” Everyone else in the bar yells, “We know! We can hear you from here!”
6. The Olive: An olive falls out of a Martini and rolls across the floor. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t do that here!” The olive says, “Sorry, I’m just trying to find a pit to stop in.”
7. The Craft Beer Flight: A guy orders a ‘flight’ of beers. After the third sample, he looks at the bartender and says, “I feel like I’ve taken off, but I’m not sure where we’re landing.”
8. The Dirty Martini: A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Dirty Martini.” The bartender says, “How dirty?” The guy says, “Make it look like it was dropped in a puddle on the way here.”
9. The Homebrewer: A guy tells the bartender, “I started making my own beer at home.” The bartender asks, “How is it?” The guy says, “My wife left me and the cat moved out, but the carbonation is perfect.”
10. The Gin & Tonic: A guy walks into a bar and orders a Gin and Tonic. The bartender says, “We only use craft tonic made from hand-picked quinine.” The guy says, “Great, I’ll take a beer.”

The Full 1996 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Stout: A guy orders a stout so thick the bartender has to serve it with a fork.
12. The Wheat Beer: A lemon slice walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get in the Hefeweizen, you’re late.”
13. The Shaker: Why did the bartender break up with the cocktail shaker? Because the relationship was too unstable.
14. The Garnish: A maraschino cherry walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve food.” The cherry says, “I’m not food, I’m an accessory!”
15. The Bitter: A man orders a Bitter. After one sip, he starts complaining about his taxes. The bartender says, “Wow, that beer works fast.”
16. The Vermouth: A guy says, “Just show the Martini the bottle of Vermouth. Don’t actually pour it.”
17. The Bartender’s Advice: “Never trust a man who drinks a warm beer in a cold glass.”
18. The Yuppie: A yuppie walks into a dive bar and asks for a wine list. The bartender hands him a napkin with “Red or White” written on it.
19. The Draft: Why did the beer go to the doctor? Because it had a bad draft.
20. The Yeast: Two yeast cells walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your culture here.”
21. The Glassware: A guy asks, “Why is this beer in a tall, skinny glass?” The bartender says, “It’s on a diet.”
22. The Happy Hour: A guy walks in at 5:01 PM. The bartender says, “Happy Hour is over.” The guy says, “That was the fastest hour of my life.”
23. The High-End Bar: A guy asks for the cheapest drink. The bartender hands him a glass of ice and says, “Wait for it to melt.”
24. The Cosmopolitan: A guy orders a Cosmo. The bartender asks, “Are you waiting for your three friends from New York?”
25. The Brewery Tour: A guy goes on a brewery tour and falls into a vat of beer. He says, “It wasn’t all bad, I got out three times to use the bathroom.”
26. The Tequila: Tequila walks into a bar. The bartender says, “No, last time you were here, clothes started disappearing.”
27. The On the Rocks: A guy orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender puts actual pebbles in the glass. “It’s the new natural trend,” he explains.
28. The Coaster: A guy starts eating his cardboard coaster. The bartender says, “That’s not a cracker.” The guy says, “I wondered why it was so bland.”
29. The Tab: A guy asks to keep his tab open. The bartender says, “Sure, but your credit card just sighed.”
30. The Microbrew Name: A guy orders a “Hop-pocalypse Now.” The bartender says, “Good choice. It’s bitter, just like the movie.”
31. The Lager: A lager walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re looking a bit pale.”
32. The Umbrella Drink: A guy orders a drink with a tiny umbrella. It starts raining in the bar. He’s the only one who stays dry.
33. The Non-Alcoholic: A guy orders a non-alcoholic beer. The bartender says, “Why? Did your car tell you to?”
34. The Over-Hopped: A guy takes a sip of an IPA and his face turns inside out. The bartender says, “Ah, you found the ‘notes of citrus’.”
35. The Distiller: A distiller walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I like your spirit.”
36. The Bar Stool: A guy says to the bar stool, “Is this seat taken?” The stool says, “No, but I’ve been supporting people like you all night.”
37. The Cider: A guy orders a cider. The bartender asks, “Hard or soft?” The guy says, “Hard. I’ve had a long day.”
38. The Mixologist: A guy calls himself a ‘mixologist’. The bartender says, “Cool, I’m a liquid technician.”
39. The Pint Glass: Why was the pint glass so happy? Because it was always full of itself.
40. The Keg: A keg of beer rolls into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re already rounded, you don’t need another.”
41. The Pre-Internet Bet: Two guys are arguing about a movie. They look at the bartender. The bartender says, “I’m a bartender, not IMDb. That doesn’t exist yet.”
42. The Dark Beer: A guy orders a beer so dark it absorbs the light from the neon sign.
43. The Salt: The salt shaker says to the tequila, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”
44. The Lime: A lime wedge says, “I’m only here to make the beer look like it’s on vacation.”
45. The Tip Jar: The tip jar says, “Tipping is like beer—it makes everyone feel better.”
46. The Foam: A guy complains about too much foam. The bartender says, “That’s not foam, that’s the beer’s personality.”
47. The Bar Towel: The bar towel says, “I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe.”
48. The Chaser: A guy orders a shot and a chaser. The chaser is just the bartender running after him to pay the bill.
49. The Red Wine: A guy orders red wine in a biker bar. The room goes silent. He says, “It’s for my… wound?”
50. The Mocktail: A guy orders a mocktail. The bartender gives him a glass of water and mocks him.
51. The Pilsner: Why did the Pilsner go to school? To get a little more head.
52. The Whiskey: A whiskey walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re aged well.”
53. The Ice Cube: An ice cube walks into a bar. By the time he orders, he’s just a puddle. The bartender says, “Slow service, huh?”
54. The Ginger Ale: A ginger ale walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve soft drinks.” The ginger ale says, “I have a bit of a kick!”
55. The Bourbon: A bourbon orders a bourbon. The bartender says, “That’s a bit redundant.”
56. The Bar Nut: A peanut walks into a bar and is a-salted.
57. The Mirror Again: A guy sees his reflection in the mirror and says, “I’ll have what he’s having.”
58. The Closing Time: The bartender yells, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!” A guy says, “My home is where the beer is.”
59. The Shot: A shot of vodka walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re gone in a flash.”
60. The Wine Cooler: A guy orders a wine cooler. The year 1996 sighs in relief.
61. The Bouncer: The bouncer tells a guy, “You’re too drunk to come in.” The guy says, “I’m too drunk to walk away, so we have a stalemate.”
62. The Beer Garden: A guy asks, “Where is the beer garden?” The bartender says, “Out back, but don’t pick the flowers, they’re actually cans.”
63. The Anniversary: A couple is at a bar for their anniversary. The wife says, “Let’s drink to 10 years!” The husband says, “I’ll drink to that… and the beer.”
64. The 1996 Tech: A guy tries to pay with a floppy disk. The bartender says, “Wrong kind of liquid assets.”