54 Bar Jokes: The 2011 “Royal Wedding & Skyrim” Edition

In 2011, you couldn’t escape the “Hipster” takeover. Bars started serving drinks in mason jars, and if your bartender didn’t have a handlebar mustache and a waistcoat, was it even a real bar? It was the year of Game of Thrones season one, the “Planking” craze, and people losing hundreds of hours of their lives to a dragon-slaying simulator called Skyrim.

The 2011 Top 10: The “Arrow in the Knee” Jokes

1. The Skyrim Guard: A guy walks into a bar with an arrow sticking out of his leg. The bartender asks, “What happened?” The guy sighs, “I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee… and now I just want a mead.”
2. The Royal Wedding: A guy walks into a bar wearing a fascinator and a morning suit. The bartender asks, “Waiting for the Queen?” The guy says, “No, I just wanted to see if I could get a drink faster than Pippa Middleton gets followers.”
3. The Mason Jar: A guy orders a beer. The bartender hands him a glass jar with a lid. The guy asks, “Am I drinking a lager or am I supposed to pickle some cucumbers in this?”
4. The Planking: A guy is lying face down, stiff as a board, across the bar counter. The bartender says, “Sir, you can’t plank here.” The guy muffled, “I’m not planking, I’m just incredibly drunk.”
5. The Game of Thrones: A guy walks in and yells, “WINTER IS COMING!” The bartender says, “We know, Ned. You’ve said it every day since April. Have a scotch and sit down.”
6. The Siri: A guy holds his iPhone 4S to his mouth and says, “Siri, where is the nearest bar?” Siri says, “You are literally leaning on it, Dave. Look up.”
7. The Charlie Sheen: A guy walks in and orders a drink called “Tiger Blood.” The bartender gives him a shot of tequila and a handful of glitter and says, “Winning!”
8. The Snapchat: A guy takes a photo of his drink and says, “In ten seconds, this photo will disappear!” The bartender says, “In ten seconds, that drink will be gone too, and you’ll still owe me $8.”
9. The Rebecca Black: It’s Friday night. A guy starts singing, “Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday!” The bartender hands him the bill and says, “Which seat can you take? The one outside.”
10. The Minecraft: A guy starts punching the wooden bar top. The bartender asks, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m trying to gather resources to build a craft beer!”

The Full 2011 Bar Archive (Selected High-Quality List)

11. The Artisan Ice: “Why is my ice a perfect sphere?” “Because it was hand-carved by a guy who studied sculpture in Florence. That’ll be $3 extra.”
12. The Breaking Bad: A guy walks in wearing a yellow hazmat suit and says, “I’m the one who knocks!” The bartender says, “Actually, the door was open, Walter. Just sit down.”
13. The Pinterest: A woman tries to pay with a picture of a DIY cocktail she saw online.
14. The Adele: A girl starts singing “Someone Like You” at the end of the bar. The bartender says, “I wish nothing but the best for you too, but please stop crying into the pretzels.”
15. The Occupy Wall Street: A guy sits on the floor of the bar and refuses to move. The bartender says, “You can’t occupy the draft line, man. Move to the 99% area by the bathroom.”
16. The Steve Jobs Tribute: A guy places a single apple on the bar and drinks in silence.
17. The Thor: A guy tries to lift a heavy beer mug and fails. He says, “I am not worthy!” The bartender says, “No, you’re just weak. Try a light beer.”
18. The Captain America: A guy walks in and says, “I’ve been asleep for 70 years!” The bartender says, “Then you definitely missed happy hour.”
19. The LMFAO: A guy walks in with a shuffle and says, “Party Rock is in the house tonight!” The bartender says, “I’m sorry for party rocking, but I’m cutting you off.”
20. The Google+: A guy walks into a bar and yells, “Does anyone want to join my circle?!” No one answers.
21. The Bridesmaids: A group of women walk in and one yells, “IT’S A MEXICAN FOOD STANDOFF!” The bartender hides the tacos.
22. The Drive (Movie): A guy sits at the bar wearing a satin scorpion jacket and doesn’t say a word for 40 minutes.
23. The Angry Birds Rio: “Why are there parrots in the bar?” “It’s a tie-in promotion, don’t ask.”
24. The Dubstep: The music starts goes WUB WUB WUB. A guy starts vibrating. The bartender asks, “Seizure or dancing?” The guy says, “Skrillex!”
25. The Mustache Wax: A hipster’s mustache falls into his foam. He treats it like a national tragedy.
26. The Bitstrip: A guy shows the bartender a cartoon of himself at a bar. The bartender says, “It’s as annoying in 2D as it is in real life.”
27. The Kindle Fire: A guy tries to warm his hands on his tablet.
28. The Moneyball: A guy starts using complex statistics to decide which beer has the best “on-base percentage” for getting him drunk.
29. The Black Mirror: A guy stares at his phone screen and says, “This is so dark.” The bartender says, “Turn the brightness up, then.”
30. The Hugo: A guy asks for a “mechanical” cocktail.
31. The Puss in Boots: A guy tries to look at the bartender with giant, adorable eyes to get a free drink. The bartender says, “Nice try, Antonio. Still $6.”
32. The Tintin: A guy walks in with a quiff and a white dog. The bouncer says, “The dog stays, the quiff goes.”
33. The Melancholia: A guy says, “A planet is going to hit us!” The bartender says, “Well, better finish that bottle of wine before it does.”
34. The Super 8: A guy films the bar with an old camera and says, “It’s about the lens flare!”
35. The Midnight in Paris: A guy walks out of the bar and expects to be in the 1920s. He’s just in a parking lot in New Jersey.
36. The Fast Five: A guy orders five shots and tries to drag a safe behind his car.
37. The Hangover Part II: “Same joke, different city.” “Same beer, different glass.”
38. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes: A monkey walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Caesar! How’s the revolution?” Caesar says, “Ape… want… IPA.”
39. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: A girl starts hacking the bar’s POS system.
40. The Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: A guy tries to climb the outside of the bar with sticky gloves. He falls into a bush.
41. The Contagion: A guy sneezes. The whole bar clears out in 4 seconds.
42. The Immortals: A guy asks for “God-like” service. The bartender ignores him for an hour.
43. The Jägerbomb: Still the only thing that hasn’t changed since the 90s.
44. The Moscow Mule: “The copper mug makes it taste like 1941.” “And it costs like 2011.”
45. The Old Fashioned: “Double the bitters, double the pride.”
46. The White Russian: A guy says, “The Dude is immortal.”
47. The Cosmopolitan: “Is it dead yet?” “Not as long as there are reruns.”
48. The Gin and Tonic: A guy asks for “Artisanal Tonic.” The bartender gives him a glass of quinine and a slap.
49. The Margarita: “Saltier than a guy who lost his Bitcoin password.”
50. The Craft Revolution: “I only drink beers that were whispered to by monks.”
51. The Dark and Stormy: “Like the news from the Eurozone.”
52. The Closing Time: “Last call! Go home and check your Google+ notifications… all zero of them!”
53. The 2011 Ending: “Next year the Maya say the world ends!” “Good,” says the bartender, “I need a vacation.”
54. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2012, I’m going to spend more time in the real world… or at least get a better filter for my photos.”