61 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2011 “Siri & Snapchat” Edition

In 2011, we started talking to our iPhones, and Siri started talking back—though she was still more polite than your mother-in-law. It was the year of Game of Thrones, the launch of Snapchat, and the world saying goodbye to Steve Jobs. For the mother-in-law, this meant her critiques could now be set to “auto-reply,” and her presence was as permanent as a Lannister debt.

The 2011 Top 10: The “Voice Control & Royal Wedding” Classics

1. The Siri: I asked Siri, “Is there anyone more critical than you?” Siri replied, “I’ve checked your call logs; your mother-in-law is currently leading by a landslide.”
2. The Snapchat: My mother-in-law loves Snapchat. She says it’s perfect because her “disappointed face” disappears after 10 seconds, but the emotional trauma stays for a lifetime.
3. The Royal Wedding: We watched Prince William get married. My mother-in-law leaned over and said, “Now that is how you plan a wedding. Yours looked like a rehearsal for a garage sale.”
4. The Game of Thrones: I told my mother-in-law that “Winter is Coming.” She said, “Winter is already here, and it’s sitting in your living room asking for a cup of tea.”
5. The iCloud: I explained the iCloud to her. She said, “So all my grievances are stored in a giant digital cloud? Good, I was worried I might run out of paper.”
6. The Minecraft: My son is playing Minecraft. My mother-in-law said, “Building a house out of dirt? It’s nice to see he’s following in his father’s architectural footsteps.”
7. The Kindle Fire: She got a Kindle Fire. She said it’s appropriately named because it’s the only thing she wants to use to “roast” my personality.
8. The Netflix: She discovered Netflix streaming. Now she doesn’t have to wait for the mail to find a new movie that reminds her of why she didn’t want us to get married.
9. The Planking: I found my mother-in-law planking on the kitchen counter. I asked what she was doing. She said, “I’m practicing being as rigid and useless as your work ethic.”
10. The Google+: She joined Google+. She says it’s the perfect social network because, just like her advice, nobody is actually using it but her.

The Full 2011 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Voice Recognition: She tried to use voice-to-text. The phone just kept typing “Help me” over and over again.
12. The Temple Run: She’s obsessed with Temple Run. She says the monkeys chasing the explorer remind her of the debt collectors chasing my “get-rich-quick” schemes.
13. The Siri (Part 2): She asked Siri for directions to my heart. Siri replied, “Make a U-turn; you’ve been heading toward ‘Judgment’ for 30 years.”
14. The Flat Screen: She says our TV is so slim it “lacks the authority of a heavy cathode ray tube.”
15. The Laptop: She asked if my MacBook Air is “light enough to carry your ego.”
16. The E-mail Attachment: She sent me a Zip file. It was just a compressed list of every time I’ve forgotten to take the bins out.
17. The Garden: She told the petunias they were “living on borrowed time.”
18. The Flip Phone snapping: She finally got an iPhone 4S. She says she misses the “snap,” so she just snaps her fingers at me instead.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually illegal to carry it onto an airplane.
20. The Sitcom: She says Modern Family is “too optimistic.” “In a real modern family, the son-in-law would be in the garage,” she noted.
21. The Cleaning: She brought a specialized “dust-detecting” LED light to the guest room.
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Special Siri-Narrated” version of our wedding video.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his bird feeder was “encouraging a handout culture.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the SUV has “passive-aggressive sensors.” I told her they’re currently in the passenger seat.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “How to return a son-in-law to the store without a receipt.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” “I can see the exact moment you stopped trying,” she complained.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of War.” She told the librarian it was “a bit too pacifist for her taste.”
28. The Mirror: She doesn’t use a mirror; she uses the reflection in my terrified eyes.
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more focus” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started vibrating when she tried to take a “shortcut through a historical monument.”
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Smile” emoji look like a threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a cabbage because it was “unnecessarily round.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “prepared with a sense of tradition or just a sense of duty.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2011 is “trying too hard to be dramatic.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 5. The son-in-law still doesn’t realize I’ve hidden his car keys in the dishwasher.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “End Call” feel like a slap.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own zip code.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his crust was “spiritually bankrupt.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 70 degrees is “the temperature of a failed state.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that your best?” He’s definitely on her payroll.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon complaining.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a gargoyle.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “translucency was a sign of a weak character.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s being tracked by weather satellites.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the beach. She said the sand was “too unorganized.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2012 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The Words with Friends: She keeps beating me at Words with Friends. Her favorite word is “Disappointment” (double letter score).
60. The Angry Birds (Part 2): She says the Green Pigs remind her of my side of the family—unnecessarily round and always in the way.
61. The 2011 Wrap-Up: She said 2011 was a year of “growth.” Mostly growth of her list of reasons why I’m wrong.