52 Adult Jokes: The 1996 “Tabloid Scandals & Late Night TV” Edition

The 1996 Top 10: The “Prime Time & Uncensored” Jokes

1. The Clinton Golf Game: Bill Clinton is golfing with a friend. He hits a ball into the woods. He finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. “I’ll give you one wish,” the genie says. Bill says, “Make the Middle East peaceful.” The genie looks at the map and sighs, “That’s impossible. Anything else?” Bill says, “Okay, make Hillary stay out of the headlines for a week.” The genie pauses and says, “Let me see that map again.”
2. The Olympic Effort: A guy is watching the 1996 Atlanta Olympics with his wife. He says, “I wish I could be like those athletes—performing at my peak for just 10 seconds and having the whole world cheer.” She looks at him and says, “Honey, you already do the first part. You just need to work on the audience.”
3. The AOL Connection: Why is dating in 1996 like America Online? You spend forty minutes trying to get a connection, and just when things get interesting, your mom picks up the phone and kicks you off.
4. The Mission Impossible: A man tells his doctor, “My wife and I have a ‘Mission: Impossible’ sex life.” The doctor says, “That sounds exciting!” The man replies, “Not really. Every time we try, the tape self-destructs before I can finish the briefing.”
5. The Braveheart Bedtime: A guy comes home in a kilt after seeing Braveheart. He shouts at his wife, “They may take our lives, but they will never take… OUR FREEDOM!” She looks up from her book and says, “Fine. You’re sleeping on the couch. Enjoy your freedom.”
6. The Tech Support: A woman calls a 1996 tech support line. “My husband hasn’t spoken to me in weeks since he got that new Pentium chip.” The tech asks, “Is he looking at the monitor or the tower?” She says, “Neither, he’s looking at the ‘New Folder’ he labeled ‘Tax Receipts’ that requires a 12-digit password.”
7. The Divorce Lawyer: A man goes to a lawyer and says, “I want a divorce. My wife is a ‘historical’ mess.” The lawyer says, “You mean ‘hysterical’?” The man says, “No, historical. She brings up every mistake I made since 1982.”
8. The Macarena Marriage: Why is a bad marriage like the Macarena? You do a lot of repetitive hand motions, turn around in a circle, and at the end of the night, you’re still exactly where you started—only more embarrassed.
9. The Tabloid Truth: A guy buys a tabloid with the headline: “Alien Steals Man’s Virility.” He shows it to his wife and says, “See! I told you it wasn’t my fault!” She says, “The alien must have been very disappointed with the loot.”
10. The Viagra Update: A guy in the 1996 clinical trials says, “Doctor, this pill is like a miracle! I feel like a 20-year-old stallion!” The doctor asks, “And your wife?” The guy says, “She’s fine, but the neighbor’s fence is starting to look really attractive.”

The Full 1996 Adult Archive (Selected Highlights)

11. The Modern Man: In the 70s, men wanted to be like James Bond. In 1996, they just want to be like their computers: have a big hard drive and stay up all night without crashing.
12. The 90s Diet: “I’m on the ‘Election Diet.’ I eat everything the politicians say, and then I lose my appetite for four years.”
13. The Laptop: Why is a 1996 laptop like a boyfriend? It’s heavy, expensive, the battery dies right when you need it, and it’s obsolete in six months.
14. The Marriage Counselor: Counselor: “Do you have a mutual climax?” Husband: “No, we have a Mutual Fund. It’s the only thing we both get excited about once a month.”
15. The Independence Day: A guy says to his wife, “I feel like the aliens in that movie.” She asks, “Powerful and mysterious?” He says, “No, I just spent two hours trying to get into your mother ship and got blown up.”
16. The Resume: “My wife says I have a ‘dial-up’ personality.” “What does that mean?” “It takes me ten minutes to get started and I make a loud, screeching noise the whole time.”
17. The Screen Saver: A guy’s wife catches him staring at a blank screen. “What are you doing?” “I’m watching my ‘Virtual Girlfriend’ screen saver.” “But it’s just a picture of a beach.” “Exactly. She’s quiet and she doesn’t mind if I have a beer.”
18. The First Date (1996 Edition): “Do you have a cell phone?” “Yes.” “Do you have an email address?” “Yes.” “Do you have a personality?” “I’m downloading one now, it’s at 42%.”
19. The Gym: A guy joins a gym to impress a girl. He asks the trainer, “Which machine should I use to get her attention?” The trainer points to the ATM in the lobby.
20. The Viagra Warning: The new pill comes with a warning: If your ‘excitement’ lasts more than four hours, call your doctor. A guy says, “If it lasts four hours, I’m calling the local newspaper and the Guinness Book of World Records!”
21. The Pilot: A pilot’s wife says, “You love that plane more than me!” He says, “That’s not true. The plane has a ‘Quiet’ switch and an autopilot. You have neither.”
22. The Secretary: “My new secretary is like a 14.4k modem. She’s pretty to look at, but it takes her an hour to download a memo.”
23. The Catholic Couple: They had 10 kids. Someone asked the husband, “Don’t you know what causes that?” He said, “Sure I do, but I’m an old-fashioned guy. I prefer the original version to the digital one.”
24. The Window: Why did the man name his ‘equipment’ Windows 95? Because it looks great in the brochures but takes forever to boot up in the bedroom.
25. The Bar: A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “Doesn’t that bother you?” The guy says, “Yeah, it’s driving me nuts!”
26. The Anniversary: For their 10th anniversary, he bought her a ’96 Corvette. She asked, “Where’s the rest of it?” He said, “The rest of what?” She said, “The diamond ring that was supposed to be in the glove box!”
27. The Pager: A guy’s pager goes off during dinner. He looks at it and sighs. His date asks, “Work?” He says, “No, my wife. She just paged ‘911-BED-0-0’. I think she’s trying to tell me the ‘server’ is down.”
28. The Ghost: A guy dies and comes back as a ghost to haunt his wife. He sees her with another man. He tries to scream, but then remembers: “Wait, I’m dead! This is the most peace and quiet I’ve had in years!”
29. The Parrot Part 3: The guy from 1995 still has the parrot. He gets a new girlfriend. The parrot looks at her and says, “Wow, Steve! You finally upgraded to the Pentium model! More memory, but still no ‘Soft-Ware’!”
30. The Boss’s Wife: The boss says, “I’m a self-made man.” His wife whispers to the secretary, “It’s a pity he didn’t call in a professional for the design.”
31. The Cruise: A couple is on a cruise. The husband says, “The ocean is so deep and vast.” The wife says, “Just like your wallet when the bill comes, dear.”
32. The Tattoo Shop: A guy wants a tattoo of a 56k modem on his chest. The artist asks why. “Because I want people to know I’m fast, but I still make a weird noise when I’m connecting.”
33. The Wedding Vows: “I take thee to be my lawfully wedded wife… until the internet connection gets faster or a newer model comes out.”
34. The Blind Date: “How was he?” “He was like a ‘Skip Ad’ button, but in real life I couldn’t find where to click.”
35. The Fridge: Why is a beer better than a woman? A beer doesn’t get jealous when you have another beer.
36. The Candidate: A politician’s wife says, “If you win, will you be faithful?” He says, “Honey, let’s not get carried away. I’m trying to run a country, not a miracle service.”
37. The Bed: Why do men like to sleep on the left side? Because that’s where the remote control is usually kept.
38. The Coffee: “I like my women like I like my 1996 coffee: Hot, strong, and not available at Starbucks yet.”
39. The Software: A guy complains to his friend, “My wife is like ‘Trial-Ware’. She was great for 30 days, but now she keeps asking for a registration fee.”
40. The Newspaper: A man reads: “10% of men have had an affair.” He tells his wife, “I’m in the 90%!” She says, “Yeah, the 90% that haven’t been caught yet.”
41. The Speed Trap: A guy gets pulled over. Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Guy: “I was trying to get home before the Viagra wore off!” Cop: “Carry on, son. Godspeed.”
42. The Mirror: A man stands naked in front of a mirror and says, “Look at that! 180 pounds of pure dynamite!” His wife says, “Too bad the fuse is so short.”
43. The Dog: Why is a dog better than a wife? If you lock a dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour, which one is happy to see you when you open it?
44. The Office: “My boss is like a diaper. Always on my ass and usually full of it.”
45. The Talk Show: A woman goes on Jerry Springer. “My husband is cheating on me with our computer!” Jerry asks, “How?” She says, “He spends more time clicking her mouse than mine!”
46. The Lightbulb: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just sit in the dark and complain that the woman hasn’t done it yet.
47. The Lawyer: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks your blood at night.
48. The Goldfish: “I bought a goldfish and named it ‘Wife’.” “Why?” “Because every time I come home, its mouth is moving but I can’t hear a word it’s saying.”
49. The Jungle: Two guys are in the jungle. A lion appears. One guy starts putting on sneakers. The other says, “You can’t outrun a lion!” The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the lion, I just have to outrun you!”
50. The Doctor: “Doc, I’m addicted to the 1996 internet.” “I’ll give you some pills.” “Can I download them?”
51. The Marriage Secret: “We never go to bed angry. We stay up all night and fight until the sun comes up.”
52. The Exit: A man at his wife’s funeral is asked, “Any last words?” He leans over the casket and whispers, “Is the TV remote in there with you? I can’t find it anywhere.”