50 Adult Jokes: The 2006 “High Five & Micro-Blogging” Edition

In 2006, adult humor was a mix of “Very Nice!” catchphrases and trying to explain to your spouse why you were sending “tweets” to strangers. It was the year we learned that Pluto was no longer a planet (a great metaphor for many men’s standing in their own homes) and that a Wii Remote could easily end up embedded in your television screen.

The 2006 Top 10: The “Glorious Nation & Short Bursts” Jokes

1. The Borat Bedroom: A guy puts on a lime-green mankini and shouts, “High five! I like!” His wife looks at him and says, “If you don’t take that off and put on a restraining order against yourself, I’m calling the police. It is NOT ‘very nice’.”
2. The Twitter Launch: “I’m micro-blogging my life!” “What does that mean?” “It means I tell the world I’m eating a sandwich in 140 characters or less, so they can ignore me faster than you do.”
3. The Pluto Demotion: “I feel like Pluto.” “Small and cold?” “No, I was a major player in this house for nine years, and now I’ve been downgraded to a ‘dwarf’ with no voting rights.”
4. The Departed Logic: “Are you a cop?” “Are you a cop?” “I’m your wife, Frank. I’m asking if you remembered to buy the milk, not if you’re wearing a wire for the FBI.”
5. The Wii Injury: “I have ‘Wii Elbow’.” “From playing tennis?” “No, from trying to hit a virtual baseball and accidentally punching the lampshade and your mother’s favorite vase.”
6. The Snakes on a Plane: “I’m tired of these snakes on this plane!” “Calm down, Samuel. It’s just a 12-hour flight to visit your in-laws and those ‘snakes’ are just your nieces asking for candy.”
7. The Devil Wears Prada: “Why is your boss like Miranda Priestly?” “Because she expects me to find an unpublished manuscript and a Starbucks latte during a hurricane, and all I get is a judgmental look at my shoes.”
8. The Daniel Craig Bond: “I’m the new 007. I’m gritty and realistic.” “Honey, the only thing ‘gritty’ about you is the sand in your shoes from the kids’ sandbox. Go wash up.”
9. The MySpace vs. Facebook: “I’m leaving MySpace for Facebook.” “Why?” “Because on Facebook, I don’t have to deal with auto-playing heavy metal every time I want to see if my ex is still miserable.”
10. The Rocky Balboa: “I’m making a comeback!” “You’re 60, Adrian. The only thing you’re ‘going the distance’ with is the walk to the mailbox.”

The Full 2006 Adult Archive (Selected Items 11–50)

11. The Talladega Nights: “I’m like Ricky Bobby. I just want to go fast!” “Then hurry up and finish the dishes, I want to go to sleep.”
12. The Justin Timberlake “SexyBack”: “I’m bringing sexy back.” “The ‘Sexy’ you’re talking about has been missing since 1994. Good luck finding the receipt.”
13. The Da Vinci Code Movie: “I’ve discovered a secret in the ‘Last Supper’!” “Is it that the bill wasn’t paid? Because that’s the only mystery I care about.”
14. The YouTube Acquisition: “Google bought YouTube for $1.6 billion!” “Does that mean the videos will load faster?” “No, it just means you’ll see more ads for things you can’t afford.”
15. The 300 Movie: “THIS IS SPARTA!” “No, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru, and you’re holding up the line. Order your Frosty and move on.”
16. The Night at the Museum: “Everything comes to life at night!” “Especially your snoring, which sounds like a T-Rex trying to start a chainsaw.”
17. The Borat Suit: Why did the man wear a grey suit to the wedding? To tell everyone his wife is “number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.” He is now the number one divorcee in the county.
18. The Nintendo Wii: “It’s interactive!” “Yeah, I love the part where I exercise for five minutes and then reward myself with a whole pizza.”
19. The Facebook Open-to-All: “Now anyone can join Facebook!” “Great, now my grandma can ‘poke’ me and ask why I haven’t called her in three weeks.”
20. The Little Miss Sunshine: “We’re going on a family road trip in a yellow van!” “If the clutch breaks, I’m leaving all of you in Arizona.”
21. The Pirates of the Caribbean 2: “I have a jar of dirt!” “Is that your retirement plan, Jack? Because it looks a lot like our backyard.”
22. The Grey’s Anatomy Drama: “I’m having a ‘McDreamy’ moment.” “Unless it involves a McDouble and a nap, I’m not interested.”
23. The Blu-ray vs. HD-DVD: “I’m investing in HD-DVD!” “Congratulations, you just bought the Betamax of the 21st century.”
24. The High School Musical: “We’re all in this together!” “Not when it comes to cleaning the bathroom, we’re not.”
25. The Casino Royale: “I’ll have a Vesper Martini.” “You’ll have a diet soda and you’ll like it, you have work in the morning.”
26. The Twitter Status: “I am… bored.” “In 2006, this is considered groundbreaking journalism.”
27. The Borat Part 2: “My neighbor is a pain in my assholes.” “Stop it, Gary. Mr. Henderson just wanted to borrow your leaf blower.”
28. The Ugly Betty: “I’m embracing my inner Betty.” “You mean you’re wearing braces and a poncho? Please don’t.”
29. The Happy Feet: “I’m dancing like a penguin!” “No, you’re just shuffling to the fridge because you’re too lazy to lift your feet.”
30. The MacBook Pro: “It’s the first Intel Mac!” “Does it mean I can finally open more than three tabs without the fan sounding like a jet engine?” “Almost.”
31. The Cars Movie: “I’m Lightning McQueen! Kachow!” “You’re a minivan with a ‘Baby on Board’ sticker. Calm down.”
32. The Borat Wedding: “I give you my sister! She is very clean!” “Gary, for the last time, stop talking during the toasts.”
33. The Heroes TV Show: “Save the cheerleader, save the world.” “I’d settle for saving the leftovers from your brother, he eats everything.”
34. The Click Movie: “I wish I had a remote that could fast-forward through the boring parts.” “You’d be at your funeral by next Tuesday, Harold.”
35. The Pan’s Labyrinth: “I’m entering a dark fantasy world.” “No, you’re just in the basement trying to find the fuse box.”
36. The Snakes on a Plane 2: “I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” “The edited-for-TV version is much less intimidating, Samuel.”
37. The Blood Diamond: “TIA—This is Africa.” “No, TIM—This is Michigan, and it’s snowing again.”
38. The Borat Humor: “King in the castle! King in the castle!” “Get off the kitchen island, you’re going to break it.”
39. The Apocalypto: “I’m running for my life!” “You’re just late for the bus, relax.”
40. The Amy Winehouse: “They tried to make me go to rehab, I said No, No, No.” “They tried to make you eat a salad, and you said the same thing.”
41. The Twitter 140: “Why only 140 characters?” “Because that’s the exact length of a man’s attention span when his wife is talking about her day.”
42. The Borat Sister: “This is my sister. She is number two prostitute in all of country.” “Sir, this is a family reunion. Please leave.”
43. The Wii Sports: “I’m an athlete now!” “Sweating while sitting on a beanbag doesn’t count as ‘Olympic training’.”
44. The Prestige: “Are you watching closely?” “I’m watching you try to hide that credit card bill behind the toaster. I see it.”
45. The Fergie “Fergalicious”: “My love, my love, my love, my love… she make me go crazy.” “No, the lack of sleep and the 24-hour news cycle is making you crazy.”
46. The Borat Accent: “Is nice!” “No, the burnt toast is not ‘nice’, it’s a fire hazard.”
47. The Departed Part 2: “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe f*** yourself.” “Is that your answer to ‘Will you be home for dinner?’“
48. The Pluto Sadness: “I’m still a planet in my heart!” “Move on, Pluto. Eris is the new cool kid in the Kuiper Belt.”
49. The 2006 Exit: “Why was 2006 so repetitive?” “Because everyone was just quoting Borat and waiting for their Facebook Wall to update.”
50. The New Year’s 2007: “My resolution is to stop saying ‘Very Nice!’… as soon as I finish this last bottle of vodka.”