55 Adult Jokes: The 2003 “In Da Club & P. Sherman” Edition

In 2003, adult humor shifted toward the “Bling” era. If you weren’t joking about Arnold Schwarzenegger running a state, you were quoting Finding Nemo in the bedroom (with varying results). It was the year we learned that “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way” was easier to remember than our own wedding anniversary.

The 2003 Top 10: The “Bling & Blue Tang” Jokes

1. The Finding Nemo Bedroom: A guy tries to be cute and whispers “Just keep swimming” to his wife. She looks at him and says, “If you don’t find my lost motivation in the next five minutes, this ‘tank’ is going to be closed for maintenance.”
2. The 50 Cent Vibe: “Go shorty, it’s your birthday!” “Actually, Bill, it’s our mortgage payment due date, and you’ve spent the ‘club’ money on a spinning hubcap for a minivan.”
3. The Governor-nator: Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor. A guy tells his wife, “I’m the Governor of this house!” She says, “Great. Then I’m the Special Interest Group that’s about to veto your request for a new flat-screen TV.”
4. The iTunes Store: “I spent $100 on iTunes today!” “For 100 songs?” “No, I bought one song and 99 mistakes because I didn’t know how the ‘one-click’ button worked.”
5. The Matrix Reloaded: “Our marriage is like the Matrix sequels.” “Deep and philosophical?” “No, it’s over-complicated, nobody understands the ending, and there’s way too much leather involved for a Tuesday.”
6. The Old School Date: “We’re going streaking through the quad!” “No, Frank, we’re going to Bed Bath & Beyond if we have time. Put your pants on.”
7. The Pirates of the Caribbean: “Why is a husband like Jack Sparrow?” “Because he’s always looking for rum, he’s technically ‘lost at sea’ in his own garage, and he has a chest full of ‘treasures’ that are actually just old car parts.”
8. The MySpace Profile: “I’m in your Top 8!” “That’s nice, honey, but I’m your wife. I should be in your Top 1 or you’re going to be sleeping in the ‘General Public’ section.”
9. The Terminator 3: “I’ll be back.” “Yeah, you said that two hours ago when you went to get milk. Where’s the milk, Arnold?”
10. The Hilton-Richie Life: “I’m ‘The Simple Life’!” “No, you’re just simple. Now help me figure out why the DVD player is smoking.”

The Full 2003 Adult Archive (Selected Items 11–55)

11. The 7-Year Itch: “We’ve been married since 1996.” “So you have the 7-year itch?” “No, I have the ‘7-year-I-forgot-where-I-put-my-sanity’ itch.”
12. The Love Actually: Why is marriage like that movie? Because there are ten different stories going on at once, and half of them involve someone crying in a bedroom while Joni Mitchell plays.
13. The Kill Bill: “My wife is like Uma Thurman.” “A deadly assassin?” “No, she has a list of people she needs to settle scores with, and I’m at the top of the list for leaving the toilet seat up.”
14. The Da Vinci Code: “I’m reading a thriller!” “What’s the secret?” “Apparently, if you look closely at our wedding photos, you can see a hidden code that predicts exactly when we stopped having fun.”
15. The Bluetooth Headset 2.0: Why did men love Bluetooth in 2003? Because it was the only way to look like a high-powered executive while actually just talking to their mother about her hip surgery.
16. The Bad Santa: “I’m feeling like Billy Bob Thornton.” “Drunk and cynical?” “No, I just really want to know where the sandwiches are.”
17. The Bruce Almighty: “If I were God for a day, I’d change everything!” “Start with the leaky faucet and we’ll see if you get promoted to ‘Archangel’.”
18. The School of Rock: “I’m starting a band!” “You’re 40, Kevin. The only ‘rock’ in your life is the one in your gallbladder.”
19. The Elf Movie: “I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins!” “Finally, an honest self-assessment.”
20. The Lost in Translation: “I feel a deep, spiritual connection to you.” “That’s just the whiskey talking, Bob. Let’s go back to the hotel.”
21. The 50 First Dates: “Every day is a new start with you!” “That’s because you have the short-term memory of a goldfish and you keep forgetting where you parked the car.”
22. The 2 Fast 2 Furious: “I’m too fast for you!” “Yeah, and I’m too furious that you finished the pizza without me.”
23. The How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: “I’m following the movie’s advice!” “You’ve been doing that for ten years, Brenda. It’s working.”
24. The Bad Boys II: “We ride together, we die together!” “I’m just going to the grocery store, calm down.”
25. The Hulk Movie: “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!” “I don’t like you when you’re hungry either, so eat your cereal.”
26. The Daredevil: “I’m a man without fear!” “Then go tell your mother we’re not coming for Christmas.” “…I’m a man with some fear.”
27. The Charlie’s Angels 2: “Full Throttle!” “Is that your life motto or just the sound your snoring makes?”
28. The American Wedding: “Our wedding was so romantic.” “Honey, the best man passed out in the cake and your uncle tried to start a ‘U-S-A’ chant during the vows.”
29. The Mystic River: “We have deep secrets.” “The only secret here is who ate the last donut, and I can see the powdered sugar on your shirt.”
30. The Underworld: “I’m a vampire!” “No, you’re just a night owl who’s addicted to the Discovery Channel.”
31. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: “I’m part of an elite group!” “The fantasy football league doesn’t count, Steve.”
32. The Gigli Movie: “Our relationship is like Gigli.” “A beautiful romance?” “No, a critical disaster that everyone wants to stop talking about.”
33. The Freaky Friday: “I wish we could swap bodies!” “No thanks, I don’t want to know what it feels like to have back pain at 9 AM.”
34. The Holes Movie: “I’m digging a hole!” “Is it for the new pool?” “No, it’s for my dignity after that karaoke performance.”
35. The S.W.A.T.: “Special Weapons and Tactics!” “Is ‘Tactics’ your plan for getting out of doing the laundry?”
36. The Italian Job: “I’m a master thief!” “Then how come you can never find your keys?”
37. The Intolerable Cruelty: Why is divorce like the movie? Because the lawyers get the mansion and you get the George Clooney haircut.
38. The Scary Movie 3: “Everything is a parody!” “Especially your attempt at cooking dinner tonight.”
39. The Daddy Day Care: “I’m a modern father!” “Sitting on the couch while the kids draw on the dog isn’t ‘day care’, Dave.”
40. The Matrix Revolutions: “Everything that has a beginning has an end.” “Does that include this conversation? Because I’m tired.”
41. The Phone Booth 2: “I’m still in the booth!” “Hang up, the roaming charges are higher than the ransom!”
42. The 50 Cent Part 2: “Many men wish death upon me.” “No, it’s just the neighbors wishing you’d turn down that bass.”
43. The Black Eyed Peas: “Where is the love?” “It’s in the fridge, right behind the mayo where you never look.”
44. The OutKast: “Hey Ya!” “Hey No! I told you to fix the sink three days ago!”
45. The Beyonce: “I’m ‘Crazy in Love’!” “You’re just crazy, but I love you anyway.”
46. The Sean Paul: “Get Busy!” “I’m trying, but the dial-up is still connecting!”
47. The Evanescence: “Bring me to life!” “I’ll bring you a coffee, that’s the best I can do.”
48. The Justin Timberlake: “I’m bringing sexy back!” “Wait, where did it go? Did you lose it at the mall again?”
49. The Christina Aguilera Part 2: “I’m a ‘Fighter’!” “Then fight the urge to buy another handbag.”
50. The Kelly Clarkson Part 2: “Miss Independent!” “Except for when you need me to kill a spider.”
51. The Linkin Park: “In the end, it doesn’t even matter!” “It matters to the credit card company, trust me.”
52. The 2003 Exit: “Why was 2003 so loud?” “Because it was the year we realized bling was temporary, but debt was forever.”
53. The New Year’s 2004: “My resolution is to spend more time in ‘The Club’ and less time in the emergency room for my ‘back issues’.”
54. The iPod Mini: “It’s smaller!” “So is my patience for your new gadgets.”
55. The MySpace Top 1: “Who is your #1 friend?” “The guy who invented pizza delivery, obviously.”