52 Adult Jokes: The 2005 “Viral Clips & Stage-5 Clingers” Edition

In 2005, adult humor was all about the “cringe” and the “crash.” If you weren’t joking about Brad and Jen’s breakup, you were trying to upload a blurry video of your drunk uncle to this new site called YouTube. It was the year we learned that “Rule #1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind” was much easier to follow than “Rule #1: Don’t check your work emails at dinner.”

The 2005 Top 10: The “Unfiltered & Unhinged” Jokes

1. The Tom Cruise Couch: A guy starts jumping on his sofa and screaming “I’m in love!” His wife looks at him and says, “Unless you’re planning to buy me a mansion in Telluride, get off the furniture before you break a spring and your dignity.”
2. The Wedding Crashers Rule: “I’m a Stage-5 Clinger!” “No, Harold, you’re just unemployed and you’ve been living in my guest room for three weeks. There’s no open bar here.”
3. The YouTube Launch: A man tells his wife, “I’m going to be a YouTube star!” She says, “Great. I’ll film you mowing the lawn. It’ll be the first time anyone has seen you do it in high definition.”
4. The Brangelina Scandal: Why is our marriage like the 2005 tabloids? Because everyone is choosing sides between Team Jen and Team Angelina, and I’m just trying to figure out who’s making dinner.
5. The Blackberry Addiction: “Is that a Blackberry in your hand or are you just ignoring me?” “It’s a ‘Crackberry’, honey. I can’t stop. I just received an email from a guy I don’t like about a project I don’t understand.”
6. The 40-Year-Old Virgin: “I’m ‘waxing my chest’ like Steve Carell!” “Why?” “I want to feel something! Also, the excess hair was starting to mess with the Wi-Fi signal.”
7. The Star Wars Episode III: “Our love life is like Reign of the Sith.” “Action-packed?” “No, it’s mostly just me complaining about sand and then everything ends in a fiery disaster.”
8. The Batman Begins: “I’m Batman.” “No, you’re a guy in a bathrobe who’s afraid of the dark and currently eating a cold slice of pizza at 3 AM.”
9. The MySpace Song: “I picked a new profile song!” “Is it romantic?” “No, it’s James Blunt’s ‘You’re Beautiful’. Now every time you visit my page, you can feel slightly uncomfortable for four minutes.”
10. The Brokeback Mountain: “I wish I knew how to quit you!” “You can start by quitting the PlayStation 2 and coming to bed, it’s 2 AM.”

The Full 2005 Adult Archive (Selected Items 11–52)

11. The Wedding Crasher Special: “I’m here for the ‘Crab Cakes and Football’!” “Sir, this is a funeral. Please put the shrimp down.”
12. The Office (US) Debut: “My boss is exactly like Michael Scott.” “Funny?” “No, he’s cringe-inducing and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what my job title is.”
13. The King Kong Remake: “Our anniversary dinner was like the movie.” “Grand and epic?” “No, it was three hours too long and involved a giant beast screaming at the waiter.”
14. The Mr. & Mrs. Smith: “We should be more like Brad and Angelina.” “Secret assassins?” “No, just really good looking and living in a house where everything is white and expensive.”
15. The Guitar Hero: “I’m a rock god!” “You’re clicking a plastic toy while wearing sweatpants. The only thing you’re headlining is the ‘Disappointing Husband’ tour.”
16. The How I Met Your Mother: “This night is going to be legendary!” “The last time you said that, we ended up at a 24-hour pharmacy buying heartburn medication.”
17. The Million Dollar Baby Part 2: “I’m ‘Mo Chuisle’!” “Stop speaking Gaelic, Frank. You’re from Ohio.”
18. The YouTube Commenter: “I’m leaving a comment on a video!” “Is it constructive?” “No, I’m arguing with a 12-year-old about the historical accuracy of a cartoon.”
19. The Chronicles of Narnia: “I found a magical world in the back of the closet!” “That’s not Narnia, that’s just the pile of laundry you promised to fold last Tuesday.”
20. The Walk the Line: “I walk the line!” “Is that why you’re stumbling after three craft beers?”
21. The Harry Potter 4: “The Goblet of Fire!” “Is that what you call the spicy chili you ate for lunch?”
22. The MySpace Top 8 Drama: “Why did you move your sister to #1?” “Because she’s the only one who doesn’t tag me in embarrassing photos from 1999.”
23. The Sin City: “I’m a hard-boiled detective.” “No, you’re just a guy who forgot his umbrella and is now soaking wet and grumpy.”
24. The Madagascar Movie: “I like to move it, move it!” “Then move your feet off the coffee table, I just cleaned it.”
25. The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: “I found a Golden Ticket!” “Is it for a factory tour?” “No, it’s a parking ticket from the mall.”
26. The Grey’s Anatomy: “I’m a doctor!” “Watching three episodes back-to-back doesn’t make you a surgeon. Put the butter knife down.”
27. The War of the Worlds: “The tripods are coming!” “No, that’s just the neighbor’s lawnmower. Calm down, Tom Cruise.”
28. The Stealth Movie: “I’m invisible to radar!” “You’re invisible to the kids too, but that’s mostly because you’re hiding in the garage.”
29. The Fantastic Four: “I’m the Human Torch!” “No, you’ve just got a bad sunburn from falling asleep at the pool.”
30. The Wedding Date: “I hired a professional to be my date.” “Why?” “I wanted someone who wouldn’t ask me about my five-year plan during the appetizers.”
31. The Memoirs of a Geisha: “I have many secrets.” “Like where you hid the last slice of cake? Because I already found it.”
32. The Into the Blue: “I’m a treasure hunter!” “Looking for spare change in the couch cushions is a hobby, not a career.”
33. The Serenity Movie: “I’m a space cowboy!” “You’re a middle-manager with a sci-fi obsession. Get in the car.”
34. The Dukes of Hazzard Remake: “I’m sliding over the hood!” “You just dented the Camry and ripped your jeans. Was it worth it?”
35. The Hustle & Flow: “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” “You’re a librarian, Gerald. Eat your salad.”
36. The Constant Gardener: “I’m tending to my plants.” “They’re plastic, and you’re still overwatering them.”
37. The Flightplan: “I’ve lost my daughter on this plane!” “She’s right there in seat 4B, you just had your noise-canceling headphones on too loud.”
38. The Domino Movie: “I’m a bounty hunter!” “The only thing you’ve ‘captured’ lately is a cold.”
39. The Saw II: “Oh yes, there will be blood.” “It’s just a shaving nick, stop being so dramatic.”
40. The Zathura: “We’re playing a board game that’s actually real!” “Is it the one where the loser has to pay the taxes?”
41. The Chicken Little: “The sky is falling!” “No, that’s just the housing bubble people keep talking about. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”
42. The Fun with Dick and Jane: “We’re turning to a life of crime!” “Let’s start by sneaking our own snacks into the movie theater.”
43. The MySpace Layout: “I spent six hours coding my profile!” “And it still looks like a clown exploded on a computer screen. Good job.”
44. The iPod Video: “I can watch movies on my tiny screen!” “Why? You’re literally squinting so hard you’re going to need glasses by 2006.”
45. The Digital Camera 8MP: “The resolution is amazing!” “Now I can see every wrinkle and regret on my face in perfect detail.”
46. The Xbox 360 Launch: “The graphics are so realistic!” “Yeah, the Red Ring of Death looks like a real emergency.”
47. The Sudoku Craze: “I’m doing a puzzle!” “Is it a crossword?” “No, it’s a grid of numbers that makes me feel smart until I realize I put two 4s in the same row.”
48. The Million Dollar Baby Exit: “I’m going out on top!” “You’re just going to the bathroom, Clint. Relax.”
49. The YouTube Buffering: “This video is 10 seconds long and it’s taken four minutes to load. The future is frustrating.”
50. The Kanye West Vibe: “I’m the greatest artist of all time!” “You’re humble-bragging about a stick-figure drawing, Kanye. Calm down.”
51. The 2005 Exit: “Why was 2005 so loud?” “Because it was the year we realized that everyone with a camera was a potential threat to our reputation.”
52. The New Year’s 2006: “My resolution is to spend less time on YouTube and more time in reality… as soon as this ‘Evolution of Dance’ video finishes.”