52 Adult Jokes: The 2009 “Blue People & Bad Decisions” Edition

In 2009, adult humor was divided between the escapism of Avatar and the brutal reality of The Hangover. We learned that “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” unless you have a Facebook account—then it stays on your Wall forever. It was the year of the Kanye vs. Taylor incident and the realization that we were all just one bad night away from finding a tiger in our bathroom.

The 2007 Top 10: The “Three-Dimensional & Unforgettable” Jokes

1. The Avatar Connection: A guy tries to connect his ponytail to his wife’s hair. She looks at him and says, “If you’re trying to ‘bond’ with me, try doing it with a vacuum cleaner and a romantic dinner, not by acting like a blue alien who’s been in the sun too long.”
2. The Hangover Reality: “I feel like Zach Galifianakis.” “Funny and eccentric?” “No, I just woke up with a missing tooth, a strange baby in the closet, and a strong suspicion that I’ve ruined my life.”
3. The Bitcoin Genesis: “I just bought 500 Bitcoins for the price of a pizza!” “You’re an idiot, Dave. Why buy invisible internet money when you could have had extra pepperoni? That stuff will be worthless by 2010.”
4. The Kanye Moment: A husband interrupts his wife’s story about her day. “Yo, honey, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but the neighbor’s lawn is one of the best looking lawns of all time!”
5. The FarmVille Addiction: “I need to go home, my crops are dying!” “Is there a drought?” “No, I haven’t logged into Facebook for three hours and my virtual eggplants are wilting. My life is in shambles.”
6. The Paranormal Activity: “I think our house is haunted!” “No, that’s just the sound of the economy groaning under the weight of your new shoe collection. Go back to sleep.”
7. The Tiger in the Bathroom: Why is marriage like The Hangover? Because you wake up every morning wondering how you got here, who all these people are, and why there’s a wild animal (the mother-in-law) in the kitchen.
8. The Lady Gaga Style: “I’m wearing a dress made of raw steak!” “Is it high fashion?” “No, it’s just my way of telling the neighbor’s dog that I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level.”
9. The Up Movie: “I’m going to tie 10,000 balloons to our house and fly away!” “Great, but can you wait until after you take out the trash? The HOA has rules about floating properties.”
10. The Unfriending: “I unfriended your mother on Facebook.” “Why?!” “Because she ‘liked’ my status about wanting a quiet night and then commented with a 400-word recipe for meatloaf. It was a digital mercy killing.”

The Full 2009 Adult Archive

11. The Angry Birds Start: “I’m addicted to throwing birds at pigs!” “Is it a metaphor for your career?” “No, it’s just the only way I can feel accomplishment in 2009 while sitting on the toilet.”
12. The New Moon Fever: “I’m a Team Jacob girl!” “Honey, you’re 45. The only thing you should be ‘Team’ is Team Get-Your-Kids-To-Soccer-On-Time.”
13. The Michael Jackson Tribute: “I’m moonwalking in the kitchen!” “You’re just slipping on the spilled milk you promised to clean up an hour ago. Get a mop, Jackson.”
14. The Sherlock Holmes Style: “I’ve used my powers of deduction.” “And?” “I’ve deduced that if I don’t buy you flowers for our anniversary, my future becomes an unsolved cold case.”
15. The Zombieland Rules: “Rule #1: Cardio!” “Is that why you’re running?” “No, I saw my boss at the mall and I’m trying to avoid a conversation about my ‘sick day’.”
16. The District 9 Jibe: “There are aliens in the garden!” “Those aren’t aliens, Dave. Those are just the relatives you invited for the BBQ and didn’t tell me about.”
17. The Facebook ‘It’s Complicated’: Why did the couple change their status to ‘It’s Complicated’? Because she found his browser history and he found her credit card bill.
18. The Paul Blart Effect: “I’m the king of security!” “You’re a guy on a Segway who got stuck in a revolving door. Relax, Paul.”
19. The Inglourious Basterds: “I’m in the business of killing Nazis!” “You’re in the business of selling insurance, Brad. Put the baseball bat down.”
20. The Slumdog Millionaire Part 2: “I won the jackpot!” “In the lottery?” “No, I found a $20 bill in the pocket of my jeans from last winter. I’m rich!”
21. The Twitter ‘Follow’: “Why are you following your ex on Twitter?” “To make sure she’s still less happy than I am. It’s called ‘Digital Wellness’.”
22. The 2012 Movie Panic: “The world is ending in three years!” “Great, does that mean I can stop contributing to my 401(k) and start buying more wine?”
23. The Glee Craze: “I’m joining a choir!” “You’re 38, Kevin. The only ‘mash-up’ in your life is the potatoes you’re having for dinner.”
24. The Paranormal Activity Part 2: “I caught a ghost on camera!” “That’s just the cat knocking over the cereal at 3 AM. Stop watching scary movies on your phone.”
25. The Star Trek Reboot: “I’m the young James T. Kirk!” “You’re the middle-aged Jim from accounting, and your ‘Enterprise’ is a 2005 Honda Civic.”
26. The Black Eyed Peas Song: “I gotta feeling… that tonight’s gonna be a good night!” “Is it because you finally fixed the dishwasher?” “No, I just like the beat.”
27. The Kindle 2 Launch: “I can read in the sunlight now!” “Are you going to read War and Peace?” “No, I’m going to read 1-star reviews of restaurants I’ve never been to.”
28. The He’s Just Not That Into You: Why is that movie the ultimate 2009 guide? Because it taught us that if he hasn’t poked you back on Facebook, it’s over.
29. The Transformers 2 Logic: “Our marriage has a lot of explosions and giant robots!” “No, it just has a lot of loud arguments and a vacuum cleaner that makes a weird clanking noise.”
30. The Unfriending Part 2: “I unfriended my boss.” “Was it brave?” “No, I did it by accident while trying to ‘like’ a photo of a sandwich. Now I’m terrified.”
31. The Avatar 3D Glasses: “I can see everything in 3D!” “Can you see the laundry basket that’s right in front of you? Because it’s very ‘immersive’.”
32. The FarmVille Drama: “My neighbor didn’t help my farm!” “Is it a feud?” “Yes, I’m going to block his feed and send him a virtual ‘sad cow’ as a warning.”
33. The 500 Days of Summer: “I’m in an indie romance!” “No, you’re just a guy who wears cardigans and listens to The Smiths while staring out the window.”
34. The Modern Family Debut: “We’re just like the show!” “Which part? The dysfunctional one?” “No, the part where we talk to a camera instead of each other.”
35. The iPhone 3GS: “The ‘S’ stands for Speed!” “Can it make my wife get ready faster?” “No, even Apple hasn’t figured out that technology yet.”
36. The Blind Side: “I’m a protector!” “You’re a guy who hides behind the couch when the doorbell rings. Sit down, Sandra.”
37. The G.I. Joe Movie: “Knowing is half the battle!” “And the other half is remembering to buy the bread like I asked you three times.”
38. The Taken Part 2: “I will find you, and I will kill you.” “Is that what you say to the TV remote every night, Liam?”
39. The Cougar Town: “I’m a cougar!” “You’re 32, Jennifer. You’re barely a house cat.”
40. The Bitcoin Regret (2009 Style): “I tried to mine Bitcoin but it made my computer too loud. I stopped. It’s not like it’ll ever be worth anything.”
41. The Fast & Furious 4: “New model, original parts.” “Is that your Tinder bio or a description of your mid-life crisis?”
42. The Bruno Movie: “I’m high fashion!” “You’re wearing socks with sandals, Steve. You’re a fashion crime scene.”
43. The Bride Wars: “Our wedding is a competition!” “With who?” “With everyone we’ve ever met on Facebook, obviously.”
44. The Public Enemies: “I’m a bank robber!” “You’re an overdrawn customer who’s trying to avoid eye contact with the teller.”
45. The Up Movie Part 2: “I’m going on an adventure!” “The grocery store isn’t South America, Kevin. Bring back the eggs.”
46. The Lady Gaga Poker Face: “Can’t read my poker face!” “I can read your ‘I forgot our anniversary’ face from across the street. Nice try.”
47. The Social Network Rumor: “They’re making a movie about Facebook!” “Will it be exciting?” “It’s about guys typing in a room. It’s basically a documentary of my office.”
48. The 2009 Economy: “I found a penny!” “Is it lucky?” “In this market, it’s a diversified portfolio.”
49. The Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: “I wish it rained food!” “It does, every time you eat on the sofa while watching the game.”
50. The Hangover Ending: “We’re the three best friends that anyone could have!” “Until the credit card bill from the strip club arrives, then it’s every man for himself.”
51. The 2009 Exit: “Why was 2009 so blue?” “Between the aliens on Pandora and the Avatar Smurfs, we just ran out of other colors.”
52. The New Year’s 2010 Resolution: “My resolution is to spend more time in reality and less time on FarmVille… but first, I need to harvest these virtual pumpkins.”