52 Adult Jokes: The 2007 “Touchscreens & Total Meltdowns” Edition

In 2007, adult humor evolved. We stopped “poking” people on Facebook and started “scrolling” through our lives. It was the year of the Netflix streaming launch (the beginning of the end for Blockbuster) and the realization that if Britney could make it through 2007, we could make it through our mid-life crisis.

The 2007 Top 10: The “Multi-Touch & Martini” Jokes

1. The iPhone Prayer: A guy gets the first iPhone and calls it the “Jesus Phone.” His wife asks, “Can it perform miracles?” He says, “It already has—it’s been ten minutes and I haven’t even noticed you’re talking to me.”
2. The Britney Support: “If Britney can handle 2007 with a pair of hair clippers and an umbrella, I can handle this PowerPoint presentation without crying. Probably.”
3. The Mad Men Style: A man starts wearing a suit to bed and demands an Old Fashioned. His wife says, “You’re not Don Draper, Dave. You’re a middle-manager from Scranton with a mortgage and a slight gluten intolerance.”
4. The Netflix Streaming: “Netflix lets you watch movies instantly online!” “Is the quality good?” “No, it’s a blurry mess that cuts out every five minutes, but at least I don’t have to talk to the teenager at the video store.”
5. The Facebook Feed: “Why is everyone’s life so perfect on the News Feed?” “Because nobody posts a photo of themselves eating cereal over the sink while crying about their 401(k).”
6. The No Country for Old Men: “I feel like the guy with the cattle gun.” “Because you’re a cold-blooded assassin?” “No, because I’m confused by the ending of this decade and I really need a haircut.”
7. The Halo 3 Launch: “Finish the fight!” “I’ll ‘finish the fight’ as soon as I finish this pizza and my wife stops asking me to ‘participate in the family’.”
8. The Kindle Reveal: “I got an e-reader! It holds 1,000 books!” “How many have you read?” “Zero, but the screensaver of Mark Twain looks really sophisticated.”
9. The Bee Movie: “According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.” “According to all known laws of physics, you shouldn’t be able to fit into those pre-marriage jeans, but here we are.”
10. The Transformers Love: “Our relationship is like a Michael Bay movie.” “Action-packed?” “No, it’s just a lot of loud noises, explosions, and I’m pretty sure the plot was written by a 12-year-old.”

The Full 2007 Adult Archive (Selected Items 11–52)

11. The iPhone Battery: Why is the 2007 iPhone like a bad boyfriend? It’s sleek, expensive, but it dies right when you need it and you can’t change the battery without a professional.
12. The Knocked Up Movie: “I’m having a mid-life crisis!” “No, you’re just having a ‘Seth Rogen’ moment where you realize you’re an adult but you still want to buy a bouncy castle.”
13. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians: “I’m starting a reality show!” “Who would watch it?” “People who want to see a man struggle with a lawnmower for 45 minutes.”
14. The Ratatouille Dream: “I have a rat in my hat that tells me how to cook!” “No, you just have terrible hygiene and the takeout is late.”
15. The Juno Jibe: “I’m being quirky and indie!” “You’re 40 and you’re playing a hamburger phone. It’s not a lifestyle, it’s a cry for help.”
16. The Superbad Party: “I’m McLovin!” “No, you’re ‘Mc-Lonely’ if you don’t stop quoted Jonah Hill at this funeral.”
17. The Mad Men Part 2: “I need a secretary.” “You have a Post-it note on your forehead. Start there.”
18. The 300 Part 2: “Tonight we dine in hell!” “Actually, we’re dining at Applebee’s because I have a coupon.”
19. The I Am Legend: “I’m the last man on Earth!” “You’re just the last man in the bar, and the lights are flashing. Go home.”
20. The Spider-Man 3: “I’m doing the ‘Emo Peter Parker’ dance!” “Please stop. Even the neighbors are embarrassed for our property value.”
21. The iPhone Keyboard: “I can’t type on this glass!” “That’s okay, Auto-correct will just change your ‘I love you’ to ‘I live you’ or ‘I lice you’ anyway.”
22. The Gossip Girl: “XOXO, Gossip Girl.” “Dave, stop reading my text messages, it’s weird.”
23. The Mad Men Drink: Why do men in 2007 love Don Draper? Because he makes alcoholism and adultery look like a high-end fragrance ad.
24. The Bee Movie Part 2: “Ya like jazz?” “No, I like silence and the fact that the kids are finally asleep.”
25. The Shrek the Third: “Our marriage is like the third Shrek movie.” “A classic?” “No, it’s a cash grab that’s lost its original charm.”
26. The Harry Potter 7 Book: “I’m reading the last book!” “Don’t spoil it!” “Spoiler: Everyone gets old and has kids, just like us but with more owls.”
27. The Guitar Hero 3: “I’m a rock star!” “You’re playing ‘Through the Fire and Flames’ on ‘Easy’ and your wrist is already cramping. Sit down.”
28. The Big Bang Theory: “Bazinga!” “If you say that one more time after making a terrible joke, I’m filing for a ‘Bazinga-divorce’.”
29. The iPhone Apps: “There’s an app for that!” “Is there an app that does the laundry and tells my mother-in-law to go home?” “Not yet.”
30. The Mad Men Office: “I’m having a meeting.” “With who?” “With my inner demons and a glass of scotch.”
31. The Hairspray Remake: “You can’t stop the beat!” “I can stop the credit card though, so put that dress back.”
32. The Bourne Ultimatum: “I remember everything!” “Then why did you forget the milk?”
33. The Simpsons Movie: “Spider-pig, Spider-pig!” “Stop singing that to the cat, he’s terrified.”
34. The Mad Men Smoke: “I’m starting a smoking habit for the aesthetic.” “You have asthma, Kevin. Put the candy cigarette down.”
35. The Paranormal Activity: “I felt a cold breeze!” “That’s just the draft from the window I asked you to fix in 2005.”
36. The Enchanted Movie: “I’m waiting for true love’s kiss!” “I’m waiting for you to mow the lawn. Let’s see who wins.”
37. The Mad Men Suit: “I look sharp.” “You look like a door-to-door insurance salesman from the 60s who’s about to have a nervous breakdown.”
38. The iPhone Touch: “Look, I can pinch to zoom!” “Great, now you can see your receding hairline in much more detail.”
39. The Pirates 3: “At World’s End!” “That’s exactly where I feel like I am when the Wi-Fi goes out.”
40. The Mad Men Nap: “I’m ‘working’ on the couch.” “Don Draper didn’t drool on the pillow during his power naps.”
41. The I’m a Celeb: “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!” “You’re in a Target checkout line, stop being dramatic.”
42. The iPhone Reveal: “It has a 2-megapixel camera!” “Wow, now my grainy photos will look slightly less like a crime scene.”
43. The Mad Men Lunch: “I’m going for a 3-martini lunch.” “You work at a daycare, Steve. No you’re not.”
44. The National Treasure 2: “I’m finding the City of Gold!” “Start by finding the remote under the couch cushions.”
45. The Mad Men Secretary 2: “Is that a New York accent?” “No, I just have a cold and I’m trying to sound mysterious.”
46. The iPhone Price: “It’s $599!” “For a phone?” “It’s an iPod, a phone, and an internet communicator!” “It’s a divorce, that’s what it is.”
47. The Mad Men Hat: “Bring back the fedora!” “Unless you’re Indiana Jones, please don’t.”
48. The Bee Movie Ending: “I’m suing the human race!” “Start by suing the guy who sold you that extended warranty for the car.”
49. The iPhone Status: “Sent from my iPhone.” “The 2007 version of ‘I’m richer than you’.”
50. The Mad Men Era: “The 60s were so cool.” “Yeah, except for the lack of internet and the casual lead poisoning.”
51. The 2007 Exit: “Why was 2007 so chaotic?” “Because half the world was shaving their heads and the other half was trying to figure out how to ‘slide to unlock’.”
52. The New Year’s 2008: “My resolution is to spend less time on my iPhone and more time… oh wait, I just got a notification. Nevermind.”