53 Adult Jokes: The 2011 “Arrow to the Knee & Royal Fever” Edition

In 2011, adult humor moved from the cinema to the “Cloud.” If you weren’t joking about Pippa Middleton’s dress, you were probably busy shouting “Fus Ro Dah!” at your laundry pile. It was the year of the Planking craze and the realization that Game of Thrones was about to make us very nervous about attending weddings.

The 2011 Top 10: The “Majestic & Mythical” Jokes

1. The Skyrim Excuse: “I used to be a romantic husband like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.” “No, Kevin, you just took a seat on the couch and haven’t moved since Bethesda released the game. Get up.”
2. The Royal Wedding Pressure: A wife tells her husband, “Look at how William looks at Kate!” The husband replies, “If I had a billion-dollar budget and a palace, I’d look at a sandwich like it was a princess too.”
3. The Siri Introduction: “Siri, do you love me?” “I am not programmed for human emotion, but I can find you the nearest divorce lawyer in 0.4 seconds. Would you like me to call one?”
4. The Game of Thrones Dating: Why is dating in 2011 like Game of Thrones? Because it’s full of betrayal, everyone you like dies (or ghosts you), and winter is always coming—usually in the form of your ex’s cold heart.
5. The Planking Craze: A guy is lying face down on the dinner table. His wife asks, “Are you okay?” He says, “I’m planking! It’s the latest trend!” She says, “In 1995 we called that ‘being drunk’. Get off the table.”
6. The Charlie Sheen “Winning”: “I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA!” “No, Dave, you have a slight caffeine addiction and a mortgage. You’re not winning, you’re just loud.”
7. The Bridesmaids Reality: Why is marriage like the movie Bridesmaids? Because it’s mostly just a group of people arguing over a dress and someone having a nervous breakdown in the middle of a French restaurant.
8. The Harry Potter Finale: “The boy who lived… is finally an adult.” “Yeah, and just like every other adult in 2011, he’s probably wondering how he’s going to pay off his Gringotts loans with a degree in Defense Against the Dark Arts.”
9. The Netflix Qwikster Fail: “I’m splitting my personality like Netflix!” “So you’re going to be twice as expensive and half as useful?” “Exactly. It’s a bold business move.”
10. The Minecraft Obsession: “I spent all night building a house!” “In the suburbs?” “No, in a world made of cubes. I even have a virtual dog.” “That’s nice, but the real dog needs a walk and our real house has a leak.”

The Full 2011 Adult Archive (Items 11–53)

11. The iCloud Mystery: “I put all my photos in The Cloud!” “Where is it?” “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure hackers have a better view of our vacation than I do.”
12. The Pippa Middleton Dress: Why did every man watch the Royal Wedding? Because they were waiting for a sequel to the bridesmaid’s dress that never came.
13. The Occupy Wall Street: “I’m occupying the living room!” “Is it a protest?” “No, I’m just too lazy to find a job and I’ve decided that the remote control belongs to ‘The 99%’.”
14. The Adele Effect: “Why are you crying in the car?” “I’m listening to ‘Someone Like You’.” “You’re 40 and you’re married to me! Who are you looking for?” “A version of you that remembers to buy milk!”
15. The Google+ Launch: “I’ll invite you to my Circle!” “Is it like Facebook?” “Yes, but it’s a circle where nobody talks and we all just stare at each other until we go back to Twitter.”
16. The Moneyball Logic: “I’m using statistics to manage our marriage.” “And?” “According to my on-base percentage, I should be allowed to watch the game while you do the laundry.”
17. The Dragon Tattoo: “My wife got a dragon tattoo.” “Is she edgy now?” “No, she just looks like she had a unfortunate accident with a Sharpie and a Gothic font.”
18. The 50/50 Movie: “The doctor says I have a 50/50 chance.” “Of surviving?” “No, of remembering our anniversary after this third beer.”
19. The Kindle Fire: “My tablet is on fire!” “Literally?” “No, it’s just the new Kindle Fire. It’s the only thing in this house that’s ‘hot’ right now.”
20. The Thor Abs: “I want to look like Thor!” “Then stop eating like Volstagg and start swinging a hammer at those home repairs you promised.”
21. The Tintin 3D: “I’m going on a grand adventure!” “No, you’re just a middle-aged man with a quiff and a dog that’s smarter than you.”
22. The Rebecca Black “Friday”: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” “If you sing that one more time, your Saturday is going to be spent in the emergency room.”
23. The X-Men: First Class: “I’m a mutant with special powers!” “Being able to smell a pizza delivery from three blocks away is not a superpower, Kevin.”
24. The Captain America: “I’m a man out of time!” “No, you’re just a guy who still uses a VCR and thinks the internet is ‘a passing fad’.”
25. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes: “The monkeys are taking over!” “No, those are just the kids with their new iPads. Same energy, though.”
26. The Black Mirror Start: “I’m watching a show about how tech ruins us.” “On your iPhone while sitting next to your MacBook?” “The irony is not lost on me.”
27. The Kardashian Divorce: “Kim was married for 72 days!” “That’s not a marriage, that’s a long-term parking permit.”
28. The Pinterest Launch: “I’m pinning recipes I’ll never cook!” “Why?” “It makes me feel like a gourmet chef while I’m eating this frozen burrito.”
29. The Instagram Filters: “Everything looks so ‘Vintage’!” “It’s 2011. Why does your lunch look like it was photographed in a dust storm in 1972?”
30. The Hugo Movie: “I’m obsessed with clockwork!” “Then fix the grandfather clock in the hall instead of playing with those gears.”
31. The Midnight in Paris: “I want to go back to the 1920s!” “Why? So you can have polio and no Wi-Fi? Stay in 2011.”
32. The Fast Five: “This time it’s about family.” “Every movie since 2001 has been ‘about family’, Vin. Just drive the car.”
33. The Angry Birds Rio: “Now the birds are in Brazil!” “Great, now they can be digitally frustrated in a tropical climate.”
34. The Super 8: “It’s a mystery!” “The only mystery is why we paid $15 for popcorn to watch a lens flare for two hours.”
35. The Horrible Bosses: “I want to kill my boss!” “Don’t we all? Now finish that spreadsheet and keep dreaming.”
36. The Friends with Benefits: “Can we just be ‘Friends with Benefits’?” “We’re married. The ‘Benefit’ is that I don’t sue you for half the house.”
37. The Crazy, Stupid, Love: “I’m Ryan Gosling!” “No, you’re the Steve Carell part of the movie—the part before the makeover.”
38. The Contagion Movie: “I’m washing my hands every five minutes!” “Are you sick?” “No, I just watched a movie that told me touching a doorknob is a death sentence.”
39. The Real Steel: “I’m controlling a robot boxer!” “Is it for sport?” “No, I’m hoping it can handle the kids while I take a nap.”
40. The Puss in Boots: “Look at my eyes…” “The big eyes won’t get you out of the ‘dog house’ this time, Steve.”
41. The Immortals: “I’m a Greek god!” “You’re a Greek tragedy with a dad bod. Put your shirt on.”
42. The Mission Impossible 4: “I’m climbing the Burj Khalifa!” “You got dizzy on a stepladder yesterday. Sit down, Tom.”
43. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: “I’m a dark, mysterious hacker.” “You’re a guy in a hoodie who forgot his Facebook password again.”
44. The War Horse: “I have a deep bond with my horse!” “We live in a one-bedroom apartment. Where are you keeping it?”
45. The Muppets Return: “Am I a man or am I a Muppet?” “Judging by how often you let your mother pull the strings, I’d say Muppet.”
46. The Sherlock Season 2: “I’m a high-functioning sociopath!” “No, you’re just rude and you spend too much money on long coats.”
47. The Temple Run: “I’m running for my life from demon monkeys!” “You’ve been sitting on the toilet for 30 minutes playing that. Your legs are asleep.”
48. The Spotify Launch (US): “I have all the music in the world!” “Are you listening to something new?” “No, I’m listening to the same 80s playlist for the 4,000th time.”
49. The Snapchat Launch: “The photos disappear in 10 seconds!” “Why would I want that?” “In case you send something you regret at 2 AM, Harold.”
50. The Minecraft Creepers: “I heard a ‘Ssss’ sound!” “Is it a monster?” “No, it’s just the gas leak I’ve been telling you to fix.”
51. The Breaking Dawn Part 1: “The vampire baby is coming!” “Is it scary?” “It’s CGI and it looks like a haunted doll. Let’s watch something else.”
52. The 2011 Exit: “Why was 2011 so epic?” “Because we spent half the year planking and the other half shouting at dragons.”
53. The New Year’s 2012 Resolution: “My resolution is to survive the Mayan Apocalypse… and finally beat that one level in Angry Birds.”