53 Adult Jokes: The 2000 “New Dawn & Hanging Chads” Edition

In 2000, adult humor shifted. We survived Y2K, only to get stuck in the Florida recount. If you weren’t making jokes about Al Gore’s “lockbox” or George W. Bush’s “strategery,” you were probably busy checking your Nokia 3310 or watching the first season of Survivor wondering why anyone would volunteer to be that miserable for money.

The 2000 Top 10: The “Recount & Reality Check” Jokes

1. The Florida Bedroom: A guy tells his wife, “I want a recount of last night.” She asks, “Why?” He says, “I’m sure there was at least one more ‘vote’ for my performance, but I think I’m dealing with some hanging chads.”
2. The Sims Logic: Why is playing The Sims better than a real marriage? Because in the game, if your spouse starts complaining, you can just delete the door and wait for the problem to resolve itself.
3. The Al Gore Lockbox: Al Gore says to his wife, “I’m putting our romance in a lockbox.” She sighs, “Great. Now I’ll never find the key and it’ll probably just sit in the attic for four years.”
4. The Survivor Date: A guy takes a girl on a first date to a deserted park. She asks, “Is this romantic?” He says, “No, it’s a trial. If you can start a fire and catch a rat in 20 minutes, I’ll consider giving you a hidden immunity idol.”
5. The Nokia 3310: Why is the new Nokia like a husband? It’s indestructible, has a very simple interface, and the only thing it’s actually good for is playing Snake.
6. The Bush-ism: George W. Bush is asked about his sex life. He says, “It’s a matter of strategery. We have to ensure the ‘homeland security’ is tight before we launch any ‘pre-emptive strikes’.”
7. The PlayStation 2: A man buys a PS2 on launch day. His wife asks, “Was it worth $300?” He says, “Honey, it has an Emotion Engine. It’s the only thing in this house that claims to understand how I feel.”
8. The Reality TV Marriage: “Our marriage is like Big Brother.” “Exciting?” “No, I’m being watched 24/7 by a bunch of cameras I didn’t install, and every week someone tries to evict me from the master bedroom.”
9. The Viagra 2.0: A guy takes a pill and waits. His wife asks, “Is it working?” He says, “I don’t know, I think the results are still being contested in a Palm Beach courtroom.”
10. The Y2K Leftovers: “What are we having for our anniversary dinner?” “The same thing we’ve had since January: Y2K survival beans and a side of disappointment that the world didn’t end.”

The Full 2000 Adult Archive (Selected Items 11–53)

11. The Napster Lawsuit: “I tried to download a girlfriend on Napster.” “Lars Ulrich showed up and sued me for copyright infringement before I could even get to the ‘first base’ file.”
12. The Cast Away: Why did the guy love the movie Cast Away? Because it’s the story of a man who lives in total silence for four years and his only friend is a volleyball. Every husband’s dream.
13. The Dot-Com Crash: “My portfolio is like my love life. It peaked in March, and now it’s worth about three cents and a stale bagel.”
14. The Gladiator: “Are you not entertained?!” “No, dear, I’m just trying to figure out how you spent $400 at the mall in an hour.”
15. The Bluetooth: “I have a new Bluetooth headset.” “Why?” “So people think I’m talking to a client when I’m actually just arguing with myself about my life choices.”
16. The Google IPO: “Should we invest in Google?” “No, who needs a search engine when I have a wife who knows exactly where I was and what I did in 1994?”
17. The X-Men: Why are husbands like the X-Men? They have weird habits, they live in a basement, and they’re terrified of a woman in leather (their mother-in-law).
18. The Millionaire: “Who wants to be a millionaire?” “Me, so I can afford the exit fee on this marriage.”
19. The Hanging Chad #2: A guy is at a bar. He asks a girl, “Are you a Florida ballot? Because I’d like to spend all night inspecting your holes.”
20. The GPS: “I got a GPS for my car!” “Does it help?” “Yeah, now a robotic woman tells me I’m wrong instead of my wife. It’s much more polite.”

21. The Britney Syndrome: “My wife is like ‘Oops!… I Did It Again’.” “What did she do?” “She bought another pair of shoes and played with my heart… and my bank account.”
22. The Scary Movie: Why is marriage like the movie Scary Movie? Because it’s a parody of a romance, everyone is screaming, and the plot makes no sense after the first 20 minutes.
23. The Broadband Dream: “I got broadband internet!” “Is it fast?” “So fast I can see my wife’s divorce lawyer’s email before she even hits ‘send’.”
24. The Weakest Link: A woman tells her husband, “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!” He says, “Does this mean I don’t have to do the dishes?”
25. The Tiger Woods: “I want to be like Tiger Woods.” “A champion golfer?” “No, I just want people to stop talking when I’m trying to focus on my beer.”
26. The What Women Want: A guy gets the power to hear women’s thoughts. After ten minutes, he begs for a lobotomy because “it’s just a constant loop of ‘why is he breathing so loud?'”
27. The Eminem Fan: Why is a 40-year-old dad like Eminem? He’s angry, he’s wearing a hoodie he’s too old for, and his knees are weak, arms are heavy.
28. The Cast Away Part 2: “Why did Tom Hanks talk to a volleyball?” “Because even a ball with a bloody face is a better listener than a spouse after 15 years.”
29. The Destiny’s Child: “I’m a survivor, I’m not gon’ give up!” “Dave, you just survived a trip to the IKEA with your wife. Calm down.”
30. The High Fidelity: “I’m making a ‘Top 5’ list of my exes.” “Why?” “I want to see if there’s a pattern, or if I’m just attracted to disaster.”
31. The How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Why is your mother-in-law like the Grinch? She shows up uninvited, hates joy, and her heart is two sizes too small for your budget.
32. The Meet the Parents: A guy meets his girlfriend’s dad. The dad says, “I have a lie detector.” The guy says, “I have a Nokia with Snake. Let’s see who’s more entertained.”
33. The Razr Vision: “I want a phone so thin it fits in my pocket without a bulge.” “Honey, your wallet is already doing that for you.”
34. The Crouching Tiger: “Our love life is like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” “Graceful and poetic?” “No, there’s a lot of pointless flying and nobody understands what we’re saying.”
35. The Coyote Ugly: Why is it called Coyote Ugly? Because that’s the face you make when you wake up and realize you gave your real phone number to the bartender.
36. The X-Men Part 2: “I’m like Wolverine.” “Because you’re tough?” “No, because I’m short, hairy, and I have a healing factor that only works if I sleep for 12 hours.”
37. The Millionaire Lifeline: A guy is in bed with his wife. He says, “I’d like to use a lifeline.” She asks, “Phone a friend?” He says, “No, ask the audience if I’m supposed to know what ‘fine’ means.”
38. The American Psycho: “My boss is like Patrick Bateman.” “A serial killer?” “No, he just spends two hours talking about business cards and forgets to pay me.”
39. The Gone in 60 Seconds: “That’s my nickname in the bedroom.” “Because you’re fast?” “No, because that’s how long it takes for my wife to fall asleep after the lights go out.”
40. The Snatch: “I love that movie.” “Which one?” “The one where I ask for the remote and my wife snatches it away before I can touch it.”
41. The Charlie’s Angels: “I want three women to follow my every command.” “Sir, this is a Wendy’s, not a 70s TV show reboot.”
42. The Final Destination: Why is dating in 2000 like Final Destination? Because you know something horrible is going to happen, you just don’t know if it’ll be a car crash or a second date.
43. The Space Cowboys: Why are older men like the guys in Space Cowboys? They’re going into a place they don’t understand (the internet) and they’re hoping their equipment doesn’t fail.
44. The Bedazzled: “I made a wish to a beautiful devil.” “And?” “She turned into my wife and asked why I was talking to the toaster.”
45. The Vertical Limit: “Our marriage is at its vertical limit.” “High stakes?” “No, we’re both just hanging by a thread and someone is about to cut the rope.”
46. The Miss Congeniality: “I’m practicing for a pageant.” “Which one?” “The ‘How to survive a 4-hour dinner with the in-laws’ congeniality award.”
47. The Unbreakable: “I’m like Bruce Willis in that movie.” “You can’t be hurt?” “No, I’m just totally confused about the ending of my 20s.”
48. The Road Trip: “Let’s go on a road trip!” “Like the movie?” “Yeah, where we lose our map, our dignity, and our mutual respect by the time we reach Ohio.”
49. The What Lies Beneath: “There’s a ghost in our house.” “No, that’s just the laundry pile that’s been growing since the Florida recount started.”
50. The Hollow Man: “I feel invisible.” “Did you take a serum?” “No, I just walked past my wife while the re-runs of Friends were on.”
51. The Remember the Titans: “I remember when we used to have fun.” “Honey, that was in the previous millennium. Get over it.”
52. The 2000 Exit: “Why is the year 2000 ending?” “Because even the hanging chads eventually had to fall.”
53. The New Year’s 2001: “My resolution is to finally learn how to use the DVD menu without calling my nephew.”