54 Adult Jokes: The 2012 “Pre-Apocalypse & Invisible Horse” Edition

In 2012, we were living on borrowed time (thanks to the Mayans). Pop culture was dominated by leather-bound novels, K-pop dances, and the first time the Avengers grabbed shawarma. Adult humor shifted from “the world is ending” to “how do I survive the internet’s weirdest year?”.

The 2012 Top 10: The “Last Days & Leather Rooms” Jokes

The Mayan Divorce: A guy tells his wife, “Since the world ends on December 21st, I’m spending our savings on a sports car!” On December 22nd, his wife looks at him and says, “The world is still here, Kevin. But your belongings are currently in the Mayan ruins of our front yard.”
The Gangnam Style Marriage: Why is sex in 2012 like Psy’s music video? Because there’s a lot of yelling, some weird invisible horse riding, and after four minutes, everyone is confused and out of breath.
The 50 Shades of Grey Reality: A woman buys a whip and some handcuffs. Her husband looks at her and says, “Does this mean you’ve finally found a way to make me mow the lawn against my will?”
The Avengers Assembly: “I’m putting together a team!” “Is it to save the world?” “No, it’s to find the remote control and someone who knows how to fix the Wi-Fi without calling tech support.”
The Mars Rover Landing: “We put a rover on Mars!” “That’s amazing! Can it find my keys?” “No, but it can send back high-res photos of rocks while you continue to lose your dignity in the sofa cushions.”
The Skyfall Martini: “I’ll have a Vesper Martini, shaken not stirred.” “You’ll have a lukewarm beer and you’ll finish the laundry, James. You’re not 007, you’re 0-and-3 in your last fantasy football games.”
The Hunger Games Dating: Why is dating in 2012 like the movie? Because you’re fighting for survival in a group of 24 strangers, and the only prize is a loaf of bread and a guy who probably won’t call you back.
The Facebook IPO: “I invested in Facebook today!” “Is it a good deal?” “Well, I traded my financial stability for a ‘Like’ from Mark Zuckerberg. So far, the returns are mostly just ads for cat food.”
The Dark Knight Rises: “I am Gotham’s reckoning!” “No, Dave, you’re just a guy in a tight mask who’s muffled by a sandwich. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
The Tinder Launch: “There’s an app where you just swipe right if you like them!” “That sounds like a great way to get a repetitive strain injury and a lot of rejection at 3 AM.”

The Full 2012 Adult Archive (Items 11–54)

The Magic Mike Move: A husband tries to strip for his wife. She stops him and says, “Unless you can make the mortgage disappear, put your pants back on, you’re scaring the dog.”
The YOLO Lifestyle: “I’m doing 100 mph because YOLO!” “The cop didn’t care about your philosophy, Kevin. He cares about your suspended license.”
The Pinterest Wedding: “I’ve planned my dream wedding on Pinterest!” “But we’ve been married for ten years.” “I know, this is for the husband I’m replacing you with if you don’t fix the sink.”
The Instagram Foodie: “Why are you taking a photo of your salad?” “I want the internet to think I’m healthy!” “Your followers know you’re at a drive-thru, Dave. They can see the paper bag.”
The Prometheus Mystery: “I didn’t understand the movie.” “Don’t worry, honey. I don’t understand our tax returns either, but we both know they’re a disaster.”
The London Olympics: “I’m training like an Olympian!” “Sleeping for 12 hours and eating nothing but nuggets isn’t ‘The Usain Bolt Method’.”
The Ted Movie: “I wish my teddy bear could talk!” “He’d probably just tell me about the time you forgot our anniversary in 2008.”
The 50 Shades Phase: “I’m reading the second book!” “Is it better?” “No, it’s just more synonyms for ‘inner goddess’ and a lot of expensive hardware.”
The Gangnam Style Office: “Why is the boss doing that dance?” “He thinks it makes him relatable. It actually just makes us want to quit.”
The iPad Mini: “It’s smaller and lighter!” “So is my will to live every time you buy a new gadget we don’t need.”
The Hobbit Hike: “I’m going on an adventure!” “The grocery store isn’t Middle-earth, put your shoes on.”
The Brave Movie: “I want to change my fate!” “Start by changing the oil in the car, that’s a fate I can get behind.”
The Wii U Launch: “It has a screen on the controller!” “Great, now you can ignore me while looking at your hands.”
The Call of Duty: Black Ops II: “I’m a soldier of the future!” “In the future, can you mow the lawn? Because in the present, it’s a jungle.”
The Grumpy Cat: “I feel like that cat.” “Because you’re cute?” “No, because I hate everyone and everything today.”
The Twilight Finale: “The saga is finally over!” “Thank God. Now can we go back to being adults who don’t care about glittery vampires?”
The 21 Jump Street: “I’m going undercover at a high school!” “You’re 40. You’d be the creepy guy in the parking lot within five minutes.”
The Avengers Shawarma: “Let’s go get shawarma!” “We’re in Ohio, Dave. The best I can do is a taco from the gas station.”
The Looper Logic: “I’m meeting my future self!” “Tell him I hope he’s richer than you are, because this current version is broke.”
The Wreck-It Ralph: “I’m gonna wreck it!” “You already ‘wrecked it’ when you tried to fix the garbage disposal yourself.”
The Life of Pi: “I’m on a boat with a tiger!” “No, you’re on the sofa with a cat and you’ve been watching Animal Planet for six hours.”
The Les Misérables: “I’m dreaming a dream!” “Dream about doing the laundry, maybe then it’ll actually happen.”
The Pitch Perfect: “I’m joinin’ an a cappella group!” “You’re 45. The only ‘harmony’ I want is peace and quiet.”
The Snow White and the Huntsman: “Who is the fairest of them all?” “The woman who doesn’t ask me questions while I’m trying to watch the game.”
The Men in Black 3: “I’m traveling back to 1969!” “Why? To see your original hairline?”
The Hotel Transylvania: “I’m a vampire dad!” “You’re a human dad who needs to stop making ‘blah blah blah’ noises.”
The Bourne Legacy: “I’m a new kind of agent!” “An agent of chaos? Because you just spilled coffee on the rug.”
The Taken 2: “They’ve taken me again!” “It’s just your mother-in-law calling, Liam. Pick up the phone.”
The Flight Movie: “I’m a pilot!” “You’re a guy who fell asleep in a recliner with a beer. Land the plane, Denzel.”
The Sinister Movie: “I found some old film reels!” “Those are just our wedding videos. Put them back, they’re too scary.”
The Dictator: “I am the supreme leader!” “Go lead the trash to the curb, Your Excellency.”
The Magic Mike Part 2: “I’m working on my ‘routine’.” “You’re stretching because your back hurts. Don’t lie to me.”
The 50 Shades Tie: “Why are you wearing a tie in the bedroom?” “To show my dominance.” “You look like you’re late for a job interview you won’t get.”
The Gangnam Workout: “I’m doing the horse dance for cardio!” “You’ve been doing it for 30 seconds and you’re already asking for an inhaler.”
The Silver Linings Playbook: “I’m looking for the silver lining!” “The silver lining is that the internet didn’t crash on December 21st so I can still shop online.”
The Django Unchained: “I’m a bounty hunter!” “Go hunt for the missing sock in the dryer, Django.”
The Paranormal Activity 4: “The Xbox Kinect is tracking ghosts!” “No, it’s just tracking your lack of movement for the last four hours.”
The Zero Dark Thirty: “I’m on a mission!” “The mission to find your keys? Because you’ve been at it for twenty minutes.”
The Argo Movie: “Argo f*** yourself!” “Is that your answer to ‘What’s for dinner?’“
The Mayan Aftermath: “I survived the apocalypse!” “Great. Now survive the credit card bill you racked up ‘prepping’ for it.”
The Anna Karenina: “Our life is a Russian tragedy.” “No, it’s just cold outside and we’re out of vodka.”
The 2012 Exit: “Why was 2012 so loud?” “Because it was the year we realized the world wasn’t going to end, but we still had to go to work on Monday.”
The New Year’s 2013: “My resolution is to stop doing the Gangnam Style… in public.”
The 50 Shades Final: “I’m finished with the book!” “Thank God. Can we have our bedroom back now, or do I still need a safe word for a sandwich?”