49 Lawyer Jokes: The 2007 “iPhone Launch & Smart Billing” Edition

In 2007, the world went “Smart,” and the legal profession went “Mobile.” With the iPhone launch, the “office” became a glass rectangle in a lawyer’s pocket. It was the year of the writers’ strike (legal battles over “new media”), the final Harry Potter book (the ultimate intellectual property lock-down), and the realization that “there’s an app for that”—even if the app is just a stopwatch for billable minutes.

The 2007 Top 10: The “App Store Pre-Alpha” Classics

1. The iPhone Launch: Why did the lawyer cry when he saw the first iPhone? Because he realized he could no longer use “I was away from my desk” as an excuse for not responding to a subpoena.
2. The Touchscreen Logic: Why did the lawyer love the touchscreen? Because “swiping” a client’s bank account felt more natural than clicking a mouse.
3. The Harry Potter Finale: Why did the lawyer sue J.K. Rowling? For “intentional infliction of emotional distress” caused by the death of Dobby (and the lack of a formal probate hearing).
4. The Mad Men Influence: Why did the lawyer start wearing a fedora in 2007? He thought it made his “unethical strategy sessions” look like “vintage 1960s charm.”
5. The Writers’ Strike: Why did the lawyer represent the striking writers? Because he saw a chance to bill for “creative interpretation of a blank page.”
6. The Britney Spears Umbrella: Why did the lawyer represent the umbrella? He argued that it was a victim of “unauthorized paparazzi-assisted battery.”
7. The Facebook Platform: Why were lawyers happy when Facebook opened up to everyone? Because more users meant more people “checking in” at places where they were supposed to be “sick in bed.”
8. The Halo 3 Launch: Why did the lawyer buy Halo 3? To practice “defending the galaxy” while billing for “strategic conflict resolution research.”
9. The Ratatouille Defense: Why did the lawyer represent the rat? He argued that “anyone can cook” is a legally binding occupational licensing waiver.
10. The Kindle Launch: Why did the lawyer buy a Kindle? So he could carry 1,000 law books to the beach and still claim he was “technically in the library.”

The Full 2007 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The First App Concept: What was the first app a lawyer thought of? “iBill”—it just runs in the background and sends an invoice every time you breathe near the phone.
12. The MySpace Ghost Town: Why did the lawyer leave MySpace? Because even the “ambulance chasers” realized the ambulances had moved to Facebook.
13. The Transformers Movie: Why did the lawyer love Transformers? Because he also specializes in things that are “more than meets the eye” (like his hidden fees).
14. The Wikipedia Ban: Why did the lawyer sue his local high school? For banning Wikipedia, which was his primary source for “expert testimony.”
15. The Bluetooth Evolution: Why did the lawyer upgrade his earpiece? So people would think he was a “high-powered executive” instead of a guy talking to his cat about a slip-and-fall.
16. The No Country for Old Men: Why did the lawyer like the movie? Because Chigurh’s coin toss was still more predictable than a 2007 jury verdict.
17. The Netflix Streaming: Why did the lawyer hate the launch of Netflix streaming? Because he couldn’t charge a “late fee” for a digital file.
18. The Bee Movie Suit: Why did the lawyer represent the bees? To file a class-action suit against humanity for “unauthorized honey extraction without a royalty agreement.”
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the iPhone user? He was afraid they’d “Google the law” before he had a chance to misinterpret it for them.
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “Leap Second”? Because he felt that extra second was a “gift from time” that he forgot to invoice.
21. The Office Gossip: Why did the lawyer sue the water cooler? For “gross negligence” in the quality of the rumors it provided.
22. The Spider-Man 3 Suit: Why did the lawyer represent the black suit? He argued it was a “symbiotic partnership” that Peter Parker breached without a 30-day notice.
23. The Coffee To-Go: Why did the lawyer sue the sleeve on the cup? For “failing to provide a sufficient barrier against a 3rd-degree burn to his billable ego.”
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Smartphone Retainer”? Because the money disappears just as fast as the battery life on a 1st-gen iPhone.
25. The Lab Rat (07 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Mobile Addiction” study? Because the lawyers tried to bill the scientists for every “push notification” they received.
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer argue that “Time is relative”? He was trying to prove that his 90mph was actually 55mph in a different “billable dimension.”
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a scanner to the reading of the will? To digitize the “last wishes” and add a “processing fee” for each byte.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the iPhone? Because he proved he was the only one with the “technical aptitude” to unlock the secrets of the marriage.
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer start using a “Front-facing” mirror? To practice his “I am shocked by this evidence” face for the new era of high-def courtrooms.
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “iPhone Blue” font? He wanted the client to think the bill was an official Apple update.
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer have two iPhones? One for the “Good Cop” calls and one for the “I’m going to sue your entire family” calls.
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a stylus? Just in case he needed to sign a “release form” in the afterlife.
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent charging his phone? “Infrastructure and power-grid maintenance consultation.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern happy? He was told he was an “iLawyer,” which meant he had to hold the partner’s iPhone while the partner took a nap.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Zune” to court? To prove that “failure to launch” is a real thing.
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a “Tilt-shift” lens to the settlement? To make the other side’s demands look “tiny and insignificant.”
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my iPhone 100% waterproof? I need to be able to sue people while I’m in the shower.”
38. The 2007 Legacy: What’s the most 2007 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why a ‘Twitter’ isn’t a bird and why it can’t be used as a character witness.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “App Store developer.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “Vibrate” mode? Because he wants everyone in a 5-mile radius to know his billable rate just went up.
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “GPS” to court? To show the witness that they were “lost in their own lies.”
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For having “Free Books” that competed with his “Paid Advice.”
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “iPhone 1” patents? “A very rich person who still uses a Nokia for security.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “Consultation on the other side’s liability.”
45. The Juno Defense: Why did the lawyer represent the teenager in Juno? He argued that “Sarcasm” is a protected legal language under the 1st Amendment.
46. The Pirates 3 Case: Why did the lawyer love At World’s End? Because he also feels like he’s in a “Locker” whenever he has to do pro bono work.
47. The iPhone Update: Why did the lawyer sue Apple for the first software update? He claimed it “erased his billable memories.”
48. The Facebook Wall: Why did the lawyer sue a wall? He thought it was a Facebook wall and tried to post a “cease and desist” on it.
49. The 2007 Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2007? Because it was the year the “Billable Hour” became “The Billable Millisecond” thanks to mobile internet.