43 Oscars Jokes: The 2013 “Argo, J-Law’s Trip & The Day-Lewis Hat Trick” Edition

In 2013, the 85th Academy Awards proved that Hollywood loves a comeback story and a good stumble. It was the year Ben Affleck won Best Picture after the Academy “forgot” to nominate him for Director, Jennifer Lawrence turned a trip on the stairs into a high-fashion moment, and Daniel Day-Lewis became the first man to win three Best Actor trophies, probably by actually becoming a statue for six months.

The 2013 Red Carpet Top 10: “Dior & Drama”

1. The Jennifer Lawrence Fall: Why did Jennifer Lawrence trip on her way to the stage? Because her Dior dress was so beautiful it decided to have a moment of its own, and because winning an Oscar is the only thing that can make a girl forget how gravity works.
2. The “Argo” Revenge: Why did Ben Affleck look so happy? Because winning Best Picture without a Best Director nomination is the ultimate Hollywood way of saying, “You missed a spot, but I still got the gold.”
3. The Seth MacFarlane “Boobs” Song: Why was the opening so controversial? Because Seth MacFarlane decided the best way to celebrate the world’s most talented actresses was to list every time they forgot to wear a shirt on camera.
4. The Daniel Day-Lewis History: Why did he win his third Oscar? Because he spent a year living in a log cabin and refusing to use a cell phone just to prove that Abraham Lincoln is the only Republican Hollywood actually likes.
5. The “Life of Pi” Visuals: Why did Ang Lee win Best Director? Because he managed to make a movie about a boy and a digital tiger in a boat more realistic than the actual traffic on the 101 freeway.
6. The Adele Performance: Why did “Skyfall” win Best Song? Because Adele is the only person who can make a 007 theme sound like she’s personally breaking up with every person in the audience.
7. The Anne Hathaway “Les Mis” Win: Why was her win so expected? Because she “dreamed a dream” of winning an Oscar and then cut off all her hair to make sure the Academy knew she wasn’t kidding.
8. The Quvenzhané Wallis Purse: Why was the 9-year-old the star of the carpet? Because she carried a puppy-shaped purse and had more poise than actors who have been in the business since the silent era.
9. The Christoph Waltz Double: Why did he win another Supporting Oscar? Because Quentin Tarantino is the only director who can make a German dentist/bounty hunter sound like the most charming man in the universe.
10. The “Brave” Victory: Why did Pixar win again? Because the Academy decided that a Scottish girl with curly hair is more “Art” than a video game villain (Wreck-It Ralph fans are still salty).

The Full 2013 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. The Michelle Obama Appearance: Why did the First Lady present Best Picture? To prove that in 2013, even the White House wanted a piece of the Argo glory.
12. The Best Original Screenplay: Why did Quentin Tarantino win for Django Unchained? Because he’s the only person who can write 500 pages of dialogue and make “D-J-A-N-G-O” the most important lesson in spelling.
13. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did Argo win? For turning a fake movie production into a real escape mission, which is basically what every Hollywood producer does every Monday.
14. The Best Costume Design: Why did Anna Karenina win? Because 19th-century Russian fur and lace are the official “Oscars Uniform.”
15. The Best Makeup Win: Why did Les Misérables win? Because making beautiful actors look like they haven’t showered in three years is the peak of the craft.
16. The Best Art Direction: Why did Lincoln win? Because they found enough wood and oil lamps to make it feel like the 1860s, even though it was filmed in Virginia.
17. The Best Cinematography: Why did Claudio Miranda win for Life of Pi? Because he managed to film a movie that was 90% water without getting the audience seasick.
18. The “Ted” Appearance: Why was a CGI bear on stage? To prove that Mark Wahlberg’s best friend is a raunchy stuffed animal with better comedic timing than most human presenters.
19. The Best Sound Mixing: Why did Les Mis win? Because they recorded the singing live on set, which is the Hollywood equivalent of doing a tightrope walk without a net.
20. The Best Sound Editing (The Tie!): Why did Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty both win? Because the Academy couldn’t decide if they liked the sound of a spy car or a helicopter better, so they just gave everyone a trophy.
21. The Best Visual Effects: Why did the Life of Pi team get cut off by the Jaws music? Because the Academy hates it when the “nerds” try to talk about the reality of the industry for more than 45 seconds.
22. The Best Film Editing: Why did Argo win? Because it’s the only movie that makes a bureaucratic meeting in a conference room feel like a heart attack.
23. The Best Original Score: Why did Life of Pi win? Because the music was the only thing that kept us from realizing the tiger wasn’t actually there.
24. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why did Amour win? Because the Academy loves a movie that makes them contemplate their own mortality for two hours.
25. The Best Documentary Feature: Why did Searching for Sugar Man win? To prove that you can be a legend in South Africa and a construction worker in Detroit at the same time.
26. The Best Animated Short: Why did Paperman win? Because it’s the most romantic thing to ever happen involving a paper airplane and a subway station.
27. The Best Live Action Short: Why did Curfew win? Because dance-offs in bowling alleys are the future of independent cinema.
28. The Honorary Award for Hal Needham: Why? Because after jumping off buildings for 50 years, the stuntman finally got an Oscar he didn’t have to bleed for.
29. The Best Documentary Short: Why did Inocente win? To show that art can come from the most difficult places, even if you’re homeless in San Diego.
30. The Shirley Bassey Performance: Why was she there? To show Adele that a 76-year-old can still sing “Goldfinger” and make the room shake.
31. The Barbra Streisand Tribute: Why did she sing “The Way We Were”? Because the Academy missed the 70s, and Babs is the only person who can make “Memories” sound like a legal mandate.
32. The 50 Years of Bond Montage: Why? Because the Academy realized that James Bond has been to more Oscars ceremonies than most of the people in the room.
33. The Jennifer Lawrence “Shampoo Bottle” Speech: Why was it so funny? Because she admitted she was just happy the stairs didn’t win.
34. The Joaquin Phoenix Nomination: Why was he there for The Master? To prove that he can look intensely uncomfortable in a tuxedo for four hours and still be the best actor in the room.
35. The Best Supporting Actress Race: Why did Sally Field lose? Because the Academy decided that Anne Hathaway’s “I Dreamed a Dream” was the official crying quota for 2013.
36. The Best Art Direction: Why did Lincoln win? Because it turns out that 1865 is the most “Oscar-worthy” year in American history.
37. The Kristen Stewart Appearance: Why was she on crutches? To prove that being a movie star is a contact sport, especially when there are photographers around.
38. The Channing Tatum & Charlize Theron Dance: Why? To remind the audience that some people are just unfairly talented and attractive.
39. The Best Animated Feature Race: Why did Pirates! Band of Misfits lose? Because the Academy still isn’t sure if stop-motion is “Real” or just very slow magic.
40. The Governor’s Ball: Why was the food so “Presidential”? Because after Lincoln and Argo, serving anything that wasn’t American-made felt like a security risk.
41. The Seth MacFarlane Hosting Style: Why did people compare him to a “Snarky Waiter”? Because he served the jokes cold and didn’t care if you left a tip.
42. The Meryl Streep Presenter Bit: Why was she there? To hand the trophy to Daniel Day-Lewis, because only a Queen is allowed to crown a King.
43. The 2013 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night the underdog director won Best Picture, a star fell (literally) and rose again, and the 2013 Oscars proved that Hollywood is just a big, dramatic family that loves a good “Argo f*** yourself!”