40 Oscars Jokes: The 2019 “Green Book, Shallow Stares & Queen’s Opening” Edition

In 2019, the 91st Academy Awards proved that you don’t actually need a host if you have the music of Queen and a very intense piano duet. It was the year Green Book drove away with the top prize, Olivia Colman gave the most charmingly shocked speech in history, and Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper looked at each other so hard that half of the internet felt like they were intruding on a private date.

The 2019 Red Carpet Top 10: “Pink Gowns & Piano Benches”

1. The No-Host Experiment: Why was there no host? Because after the Kevin Hart drama, the Academy realized that a giant statue of a bald man is much less likely to tweet something controversial from 2011.
2. The “Shallow” Performance: Why did Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sit so close at the piano? Because they wanted to make sure that everyone watching at home felt 100% more lonely than they did five minutes before the song started.
3. The Olivia Colman Surprise: Why was her Best Actress win for The Favourite so great? Because she blew a raspberry at the teleprompter and proved that being a Queen is fun, but winning an Oscar is “hilarious.”
4. The “Green Book” Controversy: Why did it win Best Picture? To prove that in 2019, Hollywood still loves a road trip movie where everyone learns a lesson while eating fried chicken in a Cadillac.
5. Rami Malek’s “Bohemian” Win: Why did he win Best Actor? Because he proved that if you wear prosthetic teeth and do enough research on Freddie Mercury, the Academy will “Will Rock You” all the way to the stage.
6. The Billy Porter Tuxedo-Dress: Why was his outfit the star of the carpet? Because he decided that choosing between a suit and a gown is for people who don’t have enough velvet in their lives.
7. The Marvel Breakthrough: Why did Black Panther win 3 Oscars? To prove that Wakanda Forever isn’t just a salute—it’s a legitimate strategy for winning technical awards.
8. Mahershala Ali’s Second Win: Why did he win again so fast? Because he’s the only man who can make sitting in the back of a car and looking thoughtful look like a masterclass in supporting acting.
9. The Spike Lee Jump: Why did Spike Lee jump into Samuel L. Jackson’s arms? Because after 30 years, he finally got a competitive Oscar and realized that Sam is the only person tall enough to catch that much joy.
10. The Spider-Verse Victory: Why did Into the Spider-Verse win Best Animated Feature? Because the Academy realized that one Spider-Man is good, but six Spider-People and a pig is an Oscar-winning party.

The Full 2019 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. The Queen Opening: Why did Adam Lambert perform? To remind everyone that the Oscars are basically just a very expensive karaoke night with better lighting.
12. The Best Director Win: Why did Alfonso Cuarón win for Roma? Because he’s the only man who can film his own childhood in black and white and make it look more expensive than a Marvel movie.
13. The Best Original Screenplay: Why did Green Book win? For showing that friendship is the best “GPS” for navigating 1960s America.
14. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did BlacKkKlansman win? Because Spike Lee proved that the truth is often more ridiculous—and more powerful—than fiction.
15. The Best Costume Design: Why did Black Panther win? Because Ruth E. Carter created a world of fashion that made every other superhero movie look like they shopped at a thrift store.
16. The Best Makeup Win: Why did Vice win? Because turning Christian Bale into Dick Cheney is the ultimate “Special Effect” for a human face.
17. The Best Art Direction: Why did Black Panther sweep the visuals? Because the “Afrofuturism” aesthetic is officially the coolest thing to happen to cinema in a decade.
18. The Best Cinematography: Why did Roma win? Because it’s the only movie that makes washing a driveway look like a religious experience.
19. The Best Sound Mixing: Why did Bohemian Rhapsody win? Because the sound of Live Aid is the only thing that can make an entire theater feel like they’re in a stadium.
20. The Best Sound Editing: Why did the Queen biopic sweep the audio? Because “Stomp-Stomp-Clap” is the official language of the 2019 awards.
21. The Best Visual Effects: Why did First Man win? Because they made the moon landing look so real that conspiracy theorists had to start a new group chat.
22. The Best Original Score: Why did Ludwig Göransson win? Because the music of Wakanda is the first thing in years that felt like a brand new world.
23. The Best Original Song: Why was “Shallow” a lock? Because it’s the only song that can be sung in a grocery store, a stadium, and a movie, and still make everyone cry.
24. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why did Roma win? Because Netflix finally proved that subtitles are the new “Blockbuster.”
25. The Best Film Editing: Why did Bohemian Rhapsody win? To show that cutting together a concert is the fastest way to an Oscar (even if the internet made memes about the dinner scene).
26. The Best Documentary Feature: Why did Free Solo win? Because watching a man climb a mountain without a rope is the only thing more stressful than waiting for the Best Picture envelope.
27. The Best Animated Feature: Why did the Spider-Man movie win? Because it looked like a comic book came to life and punched the Academy in the face with color.
28. The Honorary Award for Cicely Tyson: Why? Because it took 94 years for the Academy to realize she was the soul of American acting.
29. The Best Live Action Short: Why did Skin win? Because 20 minutes of intense drama is the best way to make the audience feel absolutely terrible before a commercial break.
30. The Best Animated Short: Why did Bao win? Because it’s the only movie that can make you feel guilty about eating a dumpling.
31. The Best Documentary Short: Why did Period. End of Sentence. win? Because the director reminded everyone that “a period should end a sentence, not a girl’s education.”
32. The Melissa McCarthy “Bunny” Outfit: Why did she wear a cape covered in rabbits? To parody The Favourite and prove that she’s the only person who can keep a straight face while holding a puppet.
33. The Keegan-Michael Key Entrance: Why did he fly in like Mary Poppins? To show that even without a host, someone still has to come from the ceiling.
34. The Best Supporting Actress Race: Why did Regina King win? Because her performance in If Beale Street Could Talk was the quietest, most powerful thing in the room.
35. The Bradley Cooper Snub: Why wasn’t he nominated for Best Director? Because the Academy decided that being a movie star, a singer, and a director was just too much for one person to handle in a year.
36. The Best Production Design: Why did Wakanda win? Because building a secret African paradise is more work than building a house in the suburbs.
37. The Best Sound Editing: Why was the rock movie so technical? Because you have to get the “Freddie” voice just right.
38. The Governor’s Ball: Why was the food so “Vegan-Friendly”? Because Hollywood was starting to realize that the planet is as fragile as a first-time director’s ego.
39. The Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Bit: Why were they the first presenters? To show the Academy that they basically were the hosts, just without the title.
40. The 2019 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night the music played, the “Shallow” stare broke the internet, and the 2019 Oscars proved that even without a host, the show must—and will—go on.