42 Oscars Jokes: The 2018 “Shape of Water, Fish Love & The Jet Ski Prize” Edition

In 2018, the 90th Academy Awards celebrated nearly a century of cinema by giving the top prize to a movie where a woman falls in love with a swamp creature. It was the year Jimmy Kimmel offered a jet ski to whoever gave the shortest speech, Frances McDormand demanded an “Inclusion Rider,” and we all learned that if you want to win an Oscar, you should probably talk to a fish.

The 2018 Red Carpet Top 10: “Gills & Gowns”

1. The Fish Love Victory: Why did The Shape of Water win Best Picture? Because after 90 years, the Academy finally decided that a silent janitor and a divine fish-man are the most stable couple in Hollywood.
2. The Jet Ski Incentive: Why did Jimmy Kimmel bring a Jet Ski on stage? To prove that the only thing actors love more than a gold statue is the chance to look cool on a motorized watercraft they will never actually use.
3. Frances McDormand’s Standing O: Why did she ask every female nominee to stand up? To show the world that if you give women the microphone, they’ll use it to demand better contracts and more snacks.
4. The “Get Out” History: Why did Jordan Peele win Best Original Screenplay? Because he managed to turn a weekend with the in-laws into the most terrifying and accurate social commentary of the century.
5. Gary Oldman’s Transformation: Why did he win Best Actor for Darkest Hour? Because he proved that if you put on enough latex to become Winston Churchill, the Academy is legally obligated to give you a trophy.
6. Allison Janney’s “I Did It All By Myself” Joke: Why was her speech so funny? Because after seven Emmys and an Oscar, she knows that the only person you really need to thank is your own talent (and maybe a parrot).
7. The “Dunkirk” Technical Sweep: Why did Christopher Nolan win so many sound awards? Because he’s the only man who can make a ticking clock sound like a life-or-death emergency for two hours straight.
8. Kobe Bryant’s Oscar: Why did a basketball legend win for Dear Basketball? To prove that once you’ve conquered the NBA, the only thing left to do is make everyone cry with a five-minute cartoon.
9. The 90-Year Montage: Why did they show so many old clips? To remind us that while the movies change, the sight of a person in a tuxedo crying because they won a statue is a timeless human tradition.
10. The “Coco” Performance: Why did everyone have “Remember Me” stuck in their heads? Because Disney-Pixar has a secret lab where they create melodies specifically designed to make adults weep in public.

The Full 2018 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. The Guillermo del Toro Double: Why did he win Director and Picture? To show that “Monsters” are just “People” who haven’t had their coffee yet.
12. The Best Supporting Actor: Why did Sam Rockwell win for Three Billboards? Because playing a misguided cop with a redemption arc is the “Fast Pass” to an Oscar win.
13. The Best Original Screenplay: Why was Jordan Peele’s win so loud? Because everyone in the room realized they had been “in the sunken place” for far too long.
14. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did James Ivory win at 89? To prove that you’re never too old to write a beautiful story about peaches and first loves.
15. The Best Costume Design: Why did Phantom Thread win? Because Mark Bridges made dresses so beautiful that Daniel Day-Lewis actually decided to retire afterward.
16. The Best Makeup Win: Why did Darkest Hour win? Because turning Gary Oldman into Churchill required more chemistry than a high school science lab.
17. The Best Art Direction: Why did The Shape of Water win? Because they made a 1960s laboratory look like the most romantic place on Earth.
18. The Best Cinematography: Why did Roger Deakins finally win after 14 nominations? Because the Academy realized that if they didn’t give him a statue for Blade Runner 2049, he might actually stop making everything look perfect.
19. The Best Sound Mixing: Why did Dunkirk win? Because you could hear every wave, every bullet, and every beat of Hans Zimmer’s heart.
20. The Best Sound Editing: Why did the war movie sweep? Because the sound of “Stress” is very difficult to record, but they nailed it.
21. The Best Visual Effects: Why did Blade Runner 2049 win? Because they made a holographic woman look more real than most of the people in the front row.
22. The Best Original Score: Why did Alexandre Desplat win? Because he gave the fish-man a flute theme that made us all want to move to the ocean.
23. The Best Original Song: Why did “Remember Me” win? Because it’s the only song that can make a grandmother and a grandson cry at exactly the same time.
24. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why did A Fantastic Woman win? Because Chile reminded the world that being yourself is the most heroic thing you can do.
25. The Best Film Editing: Why did Dunkirk take it? Because cutting three different timelines into one coherent movie is the ultimate mental gym workout.
26. The Best Documentary Feature: Why did Icarus win? To prove that a documentary about biking can accidentally uncover the biggest sports scandal in Russian history.
27. The Best Animated Feature: Why was Coco a lock? Because it’s the only movie that makes “The Land of the Dead” look like a vacation destination.
28. The Honorary Award for Donald Sutherland: Why? Because after 50 years of being the coolest man in cinema, they realized he didn’t have a single Oscar to his name.
29. The Best Live Action Short: Why did The Silent Child win? To show that sign language is a beautiful way to win a gold statue.
30. The Best Animated Short: Why did Dear Basketball win? Because Kobe’s jump shot is just as good in 2D.
31. The Best Documentary Short: Why did Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 win? Because every Californian in the audience felt that title in their soul.
32. The Rita Moreno Dress: Why did she wear the same dress from 1962? To prove that she is an ageless queen and that high-quality fabric lasts longer than most Hollywood marriages.
33. The Gal Gadot “Movie Theater” Bit: Why did they go to the cinema next door? To remind the stars that real people eat popcorn and don’t wear $10,000 suits to watch movies.
34. The Best Supporting Actress Race: Why did Laurie Metcalf lose? Because Allison Janney’s “Icy Mother” was the official mood of the 2018 awards.
35. The Meryl Streep 21st Nomination: Why? Because at this point, the Academy just nominates her to make sure she has a good seat for the show.
36. The Best Production Design: Why did the fish movie win? Because green tiles and water tanks are the new “Modern Chic.”
37. The Best Sound Editing: Why was Dunkirk so technical? Because it made us feel every vibration of a Spitfire engine.
38. The Governor’s Ball: Why was the food so “Aquatic”? Because after The Shape of Water, serving anything that wasn’t from the sea felt like a missed opportunity.
39. The Jimmy Kimmel “Envelope” Joke: Why did he mention the 2017 mistake? To make sure that Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway didn’t have a heart attack when they came back to present Best Picture again.
40. The Mark Hamill Appearance: Why was he there? To remind us that “The Force” is strong, even in a room full of people who think they’re more powerful than Jedi.
41. The Inclusion Rider: Why did everyone Google it? Because Frances McDormand wanted to make sure that the “Status Quo” got a very loud wake-up call.
42. The 2018 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night a “Monster Movie” became the “Best Movie,” a basketball legend became an “Oscar Winner,” and the 2018 Oscars proved that if you keep your speech short, you might just win a Jet Ski.